How ironic, how devastatingly sad.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Ultimate Sacrafice
It's the ultimate sacrifice I can make for my possible child, is to not have children.
Cold Harsh Reality
I've been thinking about babies lately. It's been overwhelming my thoughts. I want one, but I'm afraid of the choices I would have to make, both about my illness, and about the baby. I'm terrified of being off my medications, and it's becoming clear to me that I would have to sacrifice my medications to get pregnant and ensure giving birth to a healthy child. There is so much uncertainty to how I would handle this that it scares me. There are also other ways to treat my illness like acupuncture and natural methods of the sorts, but to be honest, I am also afraid of my child turning the ripe age of 18 and finding out they have a mental disorder like myself as well. It would break my heart watching them go through what I went through.
I've been tearful, and crying up at the sight of pregnant woman, and babies. Not really understanding why I've been so emotional about it. However, as I have been really thinking about it today, I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps I should realize that having a baby for me is not the best choice. For me, and for my possible child. It wrecks me inside to think that my illness has taken yet another thing precious to me. And I think that is what is making me so sad. The realization that I can't have children, or shouldn't. And if I did, it would be a poor choice. It just wrenches me to the soul.
Today I am left empty, now my illness has taken potentially the most important thing from my life. A child. A beautiful baby, that would have my eyes and nose. Taken from me and never to be seen.
I prayed last night for God to make the decision for me because I was having trouble making the decision for myself. Perhaps make me infertile, or make my body sick in such a way that would make me impossible to have kids. I wanted him to make the decision for me, so that I wouldn't have to. I would be ok with that. I would be ok if God blatantly told me I could not have children. I would be at peace with that. But to have the option to enhance my family with a baby, and for me to have to make that difficult heart wrenching choice on my own, I am not sure I can. I know that may sound sick, me wishing for something wrong with my body so that I can't have children. But it would take the burden off me. Make it easier.
After talking to my mom about this.... I think I know the answer, but God is not making it for me. He's forcing me to make it. I am asking for a sign, and though there hasn't been one, I think my choice is made up. Perhaps I'll change my mind later. But the COLD HARD FACT... is that I should not have children. Both for my sake, and the possible baby's sake.
This just makes me so sad.... I wish someone could understand what I am going through. To have this illness rob you of everything so precious and dear to you. It never stops, it's always hungry. It takes everything from me.
I've been tearful, and crying up at the sight of pregnant woman, and babies. Not really understanding why I've been so emotional about it. However, as I have been really thinking about it today, I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps I should realize that having a baby for me is not the best choice. For me, and for my possible child. It wrecks me inside to think that my illness has taken yet another thing precious to me. And I think that is what is making me so sad. The realization that I can't have children, or shouldn't. And if I did, it would be a poor choice. It just wrenches me to the soul.
Today I am left empty, now my illness has taken potentially the most important thing from my life. A child. A beautiful baby, that would have my eyes and nose. Taken from me and never to be seen.
I prayed last night for God to make the decision for me because I was having trouble making the decision for myself. Perhaps make me infertile, or make my body sick in such a way that would make me impossible to have kids. I wanted him to make the decision for me, so that I wouldn't have to. I would be ok with that. I would be ok if God blatantly told me I could not have children. I would be at peace with that. But to have the option to enhance my family with a baby, and for me to have to make that difficult heart wrenching choice on my own, I am not sure I can. I know that may sound sick, me wishing for something wrong with my body so that I can't have children. But it would take the burden off me. Make it easier.
After talking to my mom about this.... I think I know the answer, but God is not making it for me. He's forcing me to make it. I am asking for a sign, and though there hasn't been one, I think my choice is made up. Perhaps I'll change my mind later. But the COLD HARD FACT... is that I should not have children. Both for my sake, and the possible baby's sake.
This just makes me so sad.... I wish someone could understand what I am going through. To have this illness rob you of everything so precious and dear to you. It never stops, it's always hungry. It takes everything from me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)