I had to stop and think about this question when my new Psychiatrist asked this to me. I have only thought about what it has taken from me. I dwell on what I have lost from this illness, and I let go what it gave me. I vaguely remember the creativity it gave me when I was younger and not medicated, but after medication, the creativity is basically nill to none. So when he asked me that, I sat there with my jaw open dumb founded. I couldn't think of one thing. Then he perked up and said, "Well most people with bipolar disorder are very creative"... and it sparked my memory of my creative years and how I used to draw and spend time being productive with art and poetry and thinking. Now I think, but it is self destructive and counter intuitive. It doesn't produce growth in such a way that makes a human move forward in life, but only stalls them and makes then tred water. It seems that since I have been on medication not only have I lost interest in creative ideas, but the creative thoughts have disappeared. It's hard to make them reappear. You can't force creativity. But then again, I haven't given them a chance either. I haven't sat down and allowed them to come through. I used to draw animals I loved and animals that were close to me. I now have a dog, who I love dearly, and I have yet to even TRY to draw him. Partly because I am afraid that I won't make it look enough like him and I will be frusterated, and partly because I just don't think i could do it. But whats the harm in trying. And if I try long enough I could get good enough at it that I could make it look like him. I just need to work at it. Not like I don't have enough time on my hands. Right?
But it really has got me thinking about the positive things Bipolar has given me. I think partly it has given me a higher sense of myself. And a higher awareness of other people's feelings and my own feelings. The world around me is heightened for me and more brilliant. Even on medications. Some days it is dull, but other days is it bright. I love those days. Even though they may be short bouts, I still enjoy them. Medication takes it away but I still get them. It makes them fewer and farther between, but also the depression is fewer and farther between and I am thankful for that, and if the mania and euphoria has to go away too, I will accept that. But I believe I am more aware of the world around me and the people in it. I an constantly thinking and connecting deep thoughts and complex emotions and feelings and thought processes to one another. Sometimes I think I make too much of a simple thought. It's hard to explain. And even in this simple explanation of this paragraph I feel it's a complex thought, that I can't even fully explain to you. It's in my head, but I can't fully explain it to my satisfaction. I wish I had a better example. This really is a beautiful thing I have inside my mind I would like to share.
So what has your mental illness given you? I'm curious. What positive thing has it brought you in your life?
