Volume Muted

I feel as though I am going through my days and life with the volume turned down. I thought perhaps I was faking it, but when I really get down to thinking about it... it's me but the volume is so muted that I can hardly recognize who I am on the outside verses who I am on the inside. They do not match up.

What is hard, is that I feel that if I showed people my full volume amplified to it's true setting, they would run for the hills screaming in fear. Thinking drama would surely follow. When in fact that's not always the case. Sometimes it is, if you think emotional disturbance is drama.

It's as if I am confined, like a bird in it's cage to live a life with in what is considered "normal" by others, when there is a whole different world out there brilliant, bright and sometimes even beautiful.

My soul is run by my emotions. My actions follow my emotions. I can not stop that. It's ingrained into me. It's how I function on a cellular level. Denying that is like not being true to myself. But society tells me that if I do everything I desire to through my emotions that I am exiled. Even know I fear posting this as it's shows and reveals too much of myself. It's going too deep. Too far considered by "others".

I have no idea where I got this from. Where I learned it, who knows. But I have this innate sense to be accepted by others in society. When someone doesn't like me or shys away from me, I have this desire to push for them to like me even harder and in turn pushes then away even further. I need to allow myself to let go of those people. Everyone has the right to "not like me" or.. to not be around me. Or have who ever they want in their lives and avoid people who they do not want.

They say all this is a gift.... but it really makes me feel like. I'm not in control of myself. I feel completely out of control. For years.... a decade in fact I've been trying to stay in control and in the box that the world created for me. But the problem is it makes me feel fake and "not real.". I've gotten to the point now... where I am trying to control my external world to help me control my inner world. For example, if I control my husband and tell him to pick up and move his shoes, it causes me less stress to have the shoes put in their place. Or I know exactly where my hair brush belongs. And when it's moved out of place, panic sets in, because it's one more thing I have to think of and put effort into figuring out where I put it last. I keep a regimented lifestyle. It causes me the least stress possible. But I am realizing and getting to a point where I can not control the external and I am only getting disappointed by the results of failed control of my world around me. So THAT folks, tells me I need to figure out myself. I can only be in control of myself .... nothing or no one else but myself. I need to reach a place where I am running my emotions and my emotions are not running me. However, that sounds so...... foreign to me. It sounds impossible....

How am I supposed to change who I've been for so long. And what is even more complex is maybe this is why I haven't reached true happiness and joy. But does that even exist. People act like they have attained it. But I have doubts. I wonder if they are faking it too.. or.... volume is turned up instead of down. I have no idea.

I am nearing 30 now., and I still feel like I don't know what this world is all about. And even worse, I don't know what I am all about.  I'm panicking thinking I am almost 30 and I should have my shit together.And in some ways I am no better then when I was 22 then I am now. In other ways I think I've learned a lot. It's just not enough is all.

Sometimes faking it leads to feeling it

I can not remember if the depression comes at the same time of the year, but this year it has come during the holidays. Which makes everything harder.

This time, is the first time that I am feeling physical pain in my body from the depression. Usually there is an immense amount of discomfort in my chest, pressure, pain, wrenching. But this time not only do I have the chest pain, but this body ache. Like the flu but with no flu. It reminds me of that medication commercial for depression. They say...."depression hurts"... hell yes it does! I wake up with back pain and my shoulders hurt. I guess it's just where I am carrying my stress, and my muscles are telling me I've had enough.

This depression has been about two weeks coming. Negative thoughts, attitude, general bad mood. Then the straw that broke the camel's back finally sent me into a downward spiral. To tell you the truth, I am terrified. These feelings terrify me. I am so scared that things will get worse. I am very fearful of feeling these feelings, and I am sure that this does not help in the healing and recovery process.

I constantly question if these are normal sadness feelings that "normal" people would have. That is the worst part of this illness.... I have to question my own emotions and feelings. Wondering if they are my own, or my Illness's. Doctor says.... they are my own, only amplified. Humm.. I am not sure I believe that. I have some very dark thoughts and feelings sometimes. How could they be my own? Where did they come from when I was raised in a loving home? Anyways, Doctor says there are many red flags this is not a "normal people sadness"

Here are some red flags, in case you are wondering yourself.
-Loss of appetite
-Loss of willingness to take care of yourself eg; hygiene, diet, and other kinds of care.
-Lack of facial emotion (absence of emotion) I constantly feel like I am "faking" my facial emotion. It's forced. It's a mask you learn to put on for everyone else, so they dont' realize something's wrong with you. Or your different from them. It's a skill learned by those who suffer from depression. It's not a lie, but  a way of coping.
-Anxiety
-Tearful (crying at the drop of a hat or for me it's cancer commercials or those sad animal abuse commercials)


That's just a handful of what I am dealing with at the moment. None of which are fun. One thing I always remind myself of is that "This too shall pass". This will go away. I just have to ride it out. Sometimes with help of medication. Either way, force yourself to get out there and do the things you need to do in order to get well. Sometimes faking it.. leads to feeling it.

No matter how badly you want to. Do NOT be alone with your illness. Do NOT go inside yourself and withdrawl. Force yourself to walk among the living, so that some day, you may become the living again.

What has Bipolar Give You?

I had to stop and think about this question when my new Psychiatrist asked this to me. I have only thought about what it has taken from me. I dwell on what I have lost from this illness, and I let go what it gave me. I vaguely remember the creativity it gave me when I was younger and not medicated, but after medication, the creativity is basically nill to none. So when he asked me that, I sat there with my jaw open dumb founded. I couldn't think of one thing. Then he perked up and said, "Well most people with bipolar disorder are very creative"... and it sparked my memory of my creative years and how I used to draw and spend time being productive with art and poetry and thinking. Now I think, but it is self destructive and counter intuitive. It doesn't produce growth in such a way that makes a human move forward in life, but only stalls them and makes then tred   water. It seems that since I have been on medication not only have I lost interest in creative ideas, but the creative thoughts have disappeared. It's hard to make them reappear. You can't force creativity. But then again, I haven't given them a chance either. I haven't sat down and allowed them to come through. I used to draw animals I loved and animals that were close to me. I now have a dog, who I love dearly, and I have yet to even TRY to draw him. Partly because I am afraid that I won't make it look enough like him and I will be frusterated, and partly because I just don't think i could do it. But whats the harm in trying. And if I try long enough I could get good enough at it that I could make it look like him. I just need to work at it. Not like I don't have enough time on my hands. Right?

But it really has got me thinking about the positive things Bipolar has given me. I think partly it has given me a higher sense of myself. And a higher awareness of other people's feelings and my own feelings. The world around me is heightened for me and more brilliant. Even on medications. Some days it is dull, but other days is it bright. I love those days. Even though they may be short bouts, I still enjoy them. Medication takes it away but I still get them. It makes them fewer and farther between, but also the depression is fewer and farther between and I am thankful for that, and if the mania and euphoria has to go away too, I will accept that. But I believe I am more aware of the world around me and the people in it. I an constantly thinking and connecting deep thoughts and complex emotions and feelings and thought processes to one another. Sometimes I think I make too much of a simple thought. It's hard to explain. And even in this simple explanation of this paragraph I feel it's a complex thought, that I can't even fully explain to you. It's in my head, but I can't fully explain it to my satisfaction. I wish I had a better example. This really is a beautiful thing I have inside my mind I would like to share.

So what has your mental illness given you? I'm curious. What positive thing has it brought you in your life?

Ultimate Sacrafice

It's the ultimate sacrifice I can make for my possible child, is to not have children. 

How ironic, how devastatingly sad.

Cold Harsh Reality

I've been thinking about babies lately. It's been overwhelming my thoughts. I want one, but I'm afraid of the  choices I would have to make, both about my illness, and about the baby. I'm terrified of being off my medications, and it's becoming clear to me that I would have to sacrifice my medications to get pregnant and ensure giving birth to a healthy child. There is so much uncertainty to how I would handle this that it scares me. There are also other ways to treat my illness like acupuncture and natural methods of the sorts, but to be honest, I am also afraid of my child turning the ripe age of 18 and finding out they have a mental disorder like myself as well. It would break my heart watching them go through what I went through.

I've been tearful, and crying up at the sight of pregnant woman, and babies. Not really understanding why I've been so emotional about it. However, as I have been really thinking about it today, I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps I should realize that having a baby for me is not the best choice. For me, and for my possible child. It wrecks me inside to think that my illness has taken yet another thing precious to me. And I think that is what is making me so sad. The realization that I can't have children, or shouldn't. And if I did, it would be a poor choice. It just wrenches me to the soul.

Today I am left empty, now my illness has taken potentially the most important thing from my life. A child. A beautiful baby, that would have my eyes and nose. Taken from me and never to be seen.

I prayed last night for God to make the decision for me because I was having trouble making the decision for myself. Perhaps make me infertile, or make my body sick in such a way that would make me impossible to have kids. I wanted him to make the decision for me, so that I wouldn't have to. I would be ok with that. I would be ok if God blatantly told me I could not have children. I would be at peace with that. But to have the option to enhance my family with a baby, and for me to have to make that difficult heart wrenching choice on my own, I am not sure I can. I know that may sound sick, me wishing for something wrong with my body so that I can't have children. But it would take the burden off me. Make it easier.

After talking to my mom about this.... I think I know the answer, but God is not making it for me. He's forcing me to make it. I am asking for a sign, and though there hasn't been one, I think my choice is made up. Perhaps I'll change my mind later. But the COLD HARD FACT... is that I should not have children. Both for my sake, and the possible baby's sake.

This just makes me so sad.... I wish someone could understand what I am going through. To have this illness rob you of everything so precious and dear to you. It never stops, it's always hungry. It takes everything from me.

Gossip

I feel like I have been creating a gossiping environment. Like I said in my past blog I have made new friends. I feel like I set up open doors to create gossip. Also, with old friend and new situations I feel like the gossip has spread to other older relationships. I know it's me. I know I am creating this type of environment. And I honestly can not keep up with it. I feel like it's a tangled web I am weaving and it's time to unravel the chaos now before it gets too sticky.

Partly because I get paranoid that people are talking about me, or trying to turn my friends against me. Sometimes I worry that someone just is getting sick of gossiping with me. I basically fear that if I don't stop now I could end up harming relationships. Time to put myself in check! Let me just add that the gossip I am dealing is not horrible bad stuff. But it is enough to cause chaos. Any gossip is poison. It just creeps along and then suddenly it will strike you down. It's like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

Knowing that I need to diffuse it all. I simply can not keep up this type of environment for myself.

What a difference a day makes

Well, I'd like to hope everything is all better with some sleep. Well most of it is anyways. Still have the anxiety in the background, but I feel more stable then I did last night. I realize that I am cycling. I don't enjoy it at all. It's exhausting. I spent some time with some girlfriends today and I think that helped get my mind of my internal feelings. However, sometimes I feel like I am, "faking it" what ever it is that I am faking. Life maybe? Putting on a happy face when I feel icky inside? I am not entirely sure, but it doesn't feel authentic sometimes.

I've totally lost track with where I was going with this blog post.

Lets touch on the authentic bit. I strive to be authentic as a person. What you see is what you get. But when I am not doing as well as I would like, I have learned that it's best to "fake it". Put on a mask and go through the motions. You can not sit at home and stare at the walls feeling sorry for yourself. You have to get up get dressed and go outside even if it's to the post office or grocery store. Unfortunately you have to practice at being healthy minded. And it is exactly that Practice. What I don't like most about..."faking it" is that I feel like I am not being authentic to my friends, family, and who ever I am dealing with that day. Except do they really want to hear, "Ya I feel crappy today, just like yesterday and the day before.". It gets old real fast. Lets see how many friends you keep while doing and acting like that?..... so there is my delema. Do they want the real you?? The brutally honest you?. Or should they see the best you that you can manage today and in that moment? I have to tell you that sometimes I slip, and vent to friends about something. Sometimes I get a little "too emotional." about things and get carried away. I then realize I've overstepped. I've gone to far. And once you've gone to far, it's hard to come back.

Well, anyways, my point being I felt better in the morning after a good nights rest. And I went about my day. But now I am feeling scatter brained and even as I type this post I feel like I keep touching on all these different topics. Not really tackling one problem.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Wow, it's been a while!

Firsts things first. I've been doing fantastic. I've never been so stable for so long. It's a blessing and it was a much needed break from all the emotional roller coasters that life brings when having a mental disorder. And I am once again realizing that nothing stays the same, and everything is meant to come to an end. After months of stability, that you can see from my non-posting or blogging, I am dealing with some unreasonable anxiety. I don't yet know the source and I've been putting up with it for about a month and a half. So, I'm realizing that this isn't something that will pass. That it probably is medication. I've learned that when you have an emotion that can not be explained away then it is most likely the illness coming through. It's so hard to tell. It's just so complicated. You are left to second guess your own emotions. Something that is you, and is owned by only you. People can not help you deciphering your emotions. You are all alone when it comes to this. It's your decisions on how you want to interpret your emotions. People such as Doctors, family and friends can only assist you and ask you questions and try to help you through them. But when it comes down to it, it is on your shoulders to figure out what your feeling. This has been the most difficult task of all.

Let me return to what I am feeling. I've had some daily anxiety, and what I mean by anxiety is worry, and muscle tention and contracts such as my hands making fists, thoughts of bad things happening such as a car wreck, night mares, difficulty sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to get back to sleep, fast talking and not being able to keep up with my thoughts when I talk, and I wake up feeling anxious- It lasts all day long.

So considering I've handled this for a month and a half. With only the last week getting to the point of trouble dealing with it. I've done a great job coping. I didn't jump to conclusions and up my dosage on my meds, or call my doctor and freak out and break down in worry. I waited it out and handled it until I felt I needed more help. Even as I read back my description of how I am feeling. It says classic biploar symptoms. Even I can see that. So, I'll give my doctor a call tomorrow and see if I can up my dosage.

Another thing. I've met new friends. I know that sounds funny, and childish, but it's so good for me. I've been honest and open about my illness, and they are accepting me and all of my glory. They are healthy relationship and I find great comfort in the companionship they offer. I can only hope that I bring something to the table for them. I certainly hope it's not one sided.

With making new friends, I find the need to be open about my illness, because I have certain quarks about me that may seem weird sometimes. Even though it explains my problems, it helps them understand where I am coming from. However, when I disclosed this information to a certain friend I didn't realize that I frightened her. She told me tonight that when I first told her I was bipolar that she was scared of me. A mutual friend told her that I had depression and sometimes gets paranoid of friends. I understand why she shared the information about me to this friend. She was trying to help her get to know me. But she said... that she was scared of me because she was worried that if I got mad at her I would say bad things about her. Or perhaps stock her, or basically be nutzo and go crazy. We talked about the stigma that is still thriving in this world and community. How that even now, in 2011 people are still afraid of people with mental illness. I explained to her that my illness did not cause problems to others, that mostly being biploar causes internal issues and everything is drawn inward. Unfortunately there are some people who when you become involved with biploar people, you can stand in the way of the illness, and sometimes can be a victim of it as well. For example. Husbands may suffer because their spouse is not present in life or their relationship. Children suffer sometimes because their mom or dad is going through a down spell of depression and are less active in their children's lives. Friends pull away from friends in order to be alone with their illness. Yes, there are victims of biploar. But the BIGGEST victim of all is the one suffering from Biploar disorder themselves. Knowing my own self... and knowing other people. Most likely the majority of those who are suffering and challenged with bipolar would never hurt a fly. But would harm themselves if given the proper reasons, and chance to do so.

I have always wanted to educate people about mental illness, but have never felt strong enough to do so. But today I felt like I did my part. She obviously trusted me enough to talk about her fears about me with me. And I certainly hope I put some to rest. But it doesn't also take away the fact that I'm hurt that I still scare people with my illness. Just when you think it won't bother people anymore because it's now 2011 and people are more educated someone like Charlie Sheen comes to into the social media spotlight and freak people out again about us.

What is a girl supposed to do? When all the general population hears about bipolar and mental illness is in the news where a Mother drove a car into the river with her 2 small children. Or. Some young adult started a fire in a local mall and burned it down...... all because they were mentally ill.

How do we overcome such stigmas. When they only show the absolute worse of it? Those that are so far gone, and those that did not receive help and medical, that now they have resorted to insanity? I feel like I am fighting the world. And it's an overwhelming impossible fight. And how can I fight the world, when I can barely manage to fight my own fight within myself? Who will be strong enough to fight the world with me?

I will try to keep up again, I know it's been to long with my blog posts. I  hope you haven't forgotten about me as I have not forgotten about you.

Strength

I have realized in the last few months that I have such an infinite amount of strength. The problem is that I choose not to use it all the time. I've been tapping into that strength more and more as I age. And I am beginning to learn to control it. It just amazes me of how strong a person can be.

When I think of myself I think..."weakness"...."incapable"...."failure". However when I really honestly look back in my life I think "Holy crap, I did that???!!!" I mean honestly what person do you know that has a mental illness that is able to maintain a life worth living? Manage medications? Ask for help when they need it? For the most part those with mental health challenges struggle with the most basic of things. Something as simple as gathering with friends. Sure I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are worth keeping and are quality.

So with the struggles I have had, as well as the losses. I realize now that I am strong. I may not be like everyone else, but in and of myself, I am a strong woman.

Loosing another person

I've been battling and accomplishing weight loss. For the past few months, I have been watching nearly everything I eat and monitoring my calories, and types of food I am intaking. I have lost a total of 35 lbs! This is a huge accomplishment for me as I have never lost weight, unless I was sick. I mean seriously 35 lbs in a little over 2 months, thats HUGE! I even picked up running and walking as a past time.

Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.

The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!

I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.

So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought,  "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.

I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.

Quote of the Day - Glitch in my Brain.

Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.11

Jogging through life

I ended up not doing the volunteering with horses. I think it's too much of a commitment for me and I'm still so new at feeling well. I ALWAYS take on too much and then end up letting it all go and falling back into a deep depression. Then not only am I feeling depressed but guilty for not holding up the commitments I made previously. The shame involved with that is centered around failure. Failure can be a crippling experience if you are someone who deals with it often. I do somewhat feel like I failed because I did make "that" call to set up the volunteer thing in motion. But I figured better to keep myself sane then simply busy.

Lately I have been struggling with my body not being able to go as fast as I want it to. Both in life accomplishments, and also while walking. I found that I started to graze at night and eat the amount of an entire meal in snacking. It was taking over my evening life. It was running my nights. It was taking over my life. I tried just about everything and then ended up realizing I was simply bored. I had nothing to do, so I occupied myself with snacking. My mind was going to fast for my body. My body had nothing to to. My physical world was completed for the day. I needed a project. So I borrowed my mother-inlaw's sowing machine and started doing some sowing projects that I've had on my to do list for weeks now. The eating stopped. I also started my walking up in the evening and did a few alterations of keeping busy at night. I do still find myself snacking on a few things but mostly I am in control now. I felt so helpless and so defeated in the beginning and I now realize that it was a simple solution to a big problem.

As for going faster on my walks, I have expressed to a few people who are avid exercisers that my body was simply not ready to do what I wanted and the jogging was hurting my shins, knees, and Achilles tendon. My sister inlaw offered up some advice that was very useful. She recommended that I try doing a walk/jog. Basically I would be jogging in place and move forward slowly and steadily. IT WORKED!. My body held my weight for about just under 1/4 mile. My muscles still got worked out but I could move. I got the mobility my mind wanted. I wanted to go faster. I wanted to run, and get pumped up. My body just couldn't. This gives me more of a challenge then just walking, but not so much pressure that my body is risking injury. I was proud, and happy, and pleased that I had found something that worked for me, and something that I liked. I just wish no one could see me do it! HA!

Oh and P.S. I got the trail running shoes I've been wanting so bad. They have been of great use! :) Go Salomon!

Medication downfall

I am finding that the better I feel emotionally and the more I feel my meds are working, the more I eat. At night I eat. I graze. Salts, then sugars, then salts again. This can go on until I've eaten enough for an entire meal and I feel awful. I do it every night. And I can not stop! I've tried substituting tea, which I love, and then I just eat on top of drinking the tea. I am frustrated because I have been working out but not seeing any products of my labor. I know it's because of my night time grazing. I eat alright through out the day, and have hardly any cravings, but as soon as I finish dinner...... here comes the cravings. It's simply driving me crazy. I even tried getting a watermelon and eating as much as I wanted. I was stuffed, and still wanted something else.

This is what I hate about medication. The side effects. I know this is something that I can't partly control because I have been on other medication where I lose my appetite. I only wished those medications worked as well as this one.

So my choice is to be fat and happy, or skinny and think I'm going to go blind (side effect of facial pain) and not feel as happy but feel alright. Well, I guess I'll chose fat and happy.

The better I feel, the less I write

I don't know why this is, but when my meds are working and I feel good, I write less. I think less. I feel like I am not in my head as much, and I spend more time doing, instead of just thinking. I think it's healthier. I think it makes me happier when I can actually accomplish things instead of circling them around in my brain. It seems they get caught up somewhere in there and never make it out to real life. I sometimes hold on to things and just can't seem to let them go. They just recycle emotions which makes me unhappy and unhealthy.

Anyways, this weeks homework is to let go of the past that causes me upset. I don't know exactly how to do it, but when ever I find myself thinking about the past memories that are painful I am going to push them out and away. Also, I am working on letting go of things that are frustrating today. Little things that are petty, that bother me so much. This is difficult as well.

Part of this has been marinating in my soul for a while also. I have been pondering when I should get baptized again. I want to, but I was unsure of it. I decided this week that it was time. It is time to let go and forgive the past. Move forward and start a new era. And era with Christ in my life and joy that overflows out of myself and onto other people. And even though there will be tough times, I will always remember that God loves me and is with me through it all. His hand print is on everything I do.

I have been doing so well that I also decided to volunteer at a horse rescue. I needed to do something that makes me happy and fills my days with something that allows me to find myself again. I believe this will be such good therapy for me. May1st is the volunteer orientation.

I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but I thought I should at least let you know where I was at in my world.

Bad day

Ugghh, I had a bad dream, which set the stage for a bad day. I hate that they can control me in a way that effects me negatively.

I dreamed that my old job asked me to come back after they already fired me. They said they weren't done with me yet, and thought I still had potential. They were wrong for firing me. I actually thought about going back. But I had to think about how unhappy I was, and the anxiety that place caused me. And I felt somehow empowered with the choice to say, "Thanks but no thanks." I mean they fired me once easily, which means they could do it again with ease. I remember telling her that I wasn't going to change, that my illness was going to be a problem, just like before and that I will still have lots of sick days. More then the average Joe. And she said she knew and I still didn't believe her. And I said no. I would not like to go back. It was not a healthy environment for me.

And then today, we've been on the phone with this particular company. You can't seem to get a hold of anyone that knows anything or can do anything right. It's frustrating to say the least. Today, I didn't pray for patience, because I used all that I had. But instead I pray for a resolution. This has gone on too long, and it's wearing on me.

Today the song of the day is.

Had a bad day -Song by Daniel Powter

What does it mean to have Anxiety?

My homework for counseling this week was to think about anxiety, and what it means to me to have it. I only started to think about it last night, and I have to divulge that I feel overwhelmed even thinking about it. It's a feeling I know well, but why and where it comes from is a complete mystery to me. I think so many things can be a factor that I never bothered to think about where it stems from. It's too big of a thought. It's almost like asking myself where existence came from and discussing God in length. Sometimes it just hurts your brain. I know what I believe about God, but to actually try and "figure" God out, is a complete waste of time because I feel like we'll never touch even a fraction of what He is and can do. Thats how I feel about anxiety.

So know, here I am trying to figure out where anxiety comes from and I feel stumped.

I decided to start with the physical and biological feelings I get when I know "anxiety" is with me.

Feelings:

• Tensed up
• Heart tight and pounding hard
• A sense of dizziness in my chest
• A clamy feeling all over or heat wave all over
• Racing thoughts
• Heart fluttering
• Stomach uneasy
• Mixed emotions - Anger, Sadness, Worry.

What makes me anxious?

-Being in the presents of someone or people who think ill of me.

How do I know they don't like me?

-I don't know for sure. But I "feel it" or "sense" it. Sometimes I am wrong, Actually I am wrong a lot of the times.

Why am I anxious about being around someone who doesn't like me?

-I'm afraid of rejection. I want to run if I am feeling rejected. So I can leave them first before they leave me. I can stay in control, and minimize the pain I feel from loosing the person. I never hardly ever let them form their own opinion. I seem to taint it and skew it so that they end up really not liking me and then in the end rejecting me. I seem to impose these feelings on people.

Do I always leave?

-No. I've been able to keep some relationships going. But the other person has to be committed to standing by me through thick and thin. They have to know that I really am a good person and to stick with me when things get confusing for me. I seem to test them. To see if they really will stay. As if they  have to pass a test. I make the air so uncomfortable that I assume they feel the comfortableness too, eventually leaving me because of the weirdness.

So maybe I create my own anxiety. And if I create my own anxiety, is it possible I can stop it? Can I also stop my relationship problems and confusions? Do I really hold my own key to get out of this vicious cycle or hurt and loss? 

Well.... I am going to leave this for now. It's been a big exploration for me. I think I need to think about some of this.

Diary of a Schizophrenic

I was diagnosed early on to have Schizo affective disorder, and thankfully later on in life I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From what I learned Schizo affective only got much much worse. Like every mental illness they all eventually go further down hill. The hope for a full recovery is so distant. I feel like bipolar is a slightly less diagnosis. But can be just as debilitating. Anyways, when I admitted myself to the Psych Hospital, I kept a journal. I started it just before I went in, and kept it up while I was in there. Here is an entry.
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Diary of a Schizophrenic:

10/21/01
I had yet another episode last night, called my mother and decided I can't do this anymore. I felt like I have not slept. Only 3 hours though. Woke up and couldn't stay put because I would wake my friend who came home to take care of me and help me. The voices continued all night. It was the sound of a party, large, many people talking, no music, just a huge room with many mumblings and conversations. They wouldn't let me hear. As if conspiring to take me over.

Here I am (in the hospital) in my own room inside my, "mental retreat". I feel oddly not alone, yet completely alone. People who are like me, finally. But everyone is in their own world. My heart is pounding, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. I just want to sleep. But I feel like everything is in fast forward with the volume on high. People are nice, but all have their own problems. I want to talk. I feel lonely. Currently looking for a companion I can trust. But I know it is not going to happen. They are all hear because they can't trust themselves either.

The sky is grey and dreary, like my heart. They took a sample of my urine to do tests. So that's nice. Dr.P works here. So when I do see him, on Nov 26th I will have a better idea, of what I don't know yet. I just wish my heart would stop beating so hard and fast, and my head would stop hurting.

I feel safe kind of. I feel like giving everyone a hug to thank them.

There are zebra's on the wall in the jungle portion of the lounge. I like them. They remind me of the horses in my life. Their eyes are kind and gentle, they do not judge or question their being, they just be. They work hard for their rider because they love them. But they receive the love in return. But the zebra stripes are dizzying. I can't focus on their beauty for too long at one time.

My head isn't hurting too bad now, but it comes and goes. Maybe when I think about it.

B. came and spoke with me. Very nice person. He is a mental health worker. He says he thinks he knows me, probably not though. I like that someone who takes time to talk to me.

Funny, I finally have what i want. Time. Time for me. Time for me to get well..

Went to grieve and loss group time and talked about Bay. Listened to a bunch of sh*t I don'[t need to hear. I wanted to walk out, but not be rude.

Made my first friend S. I like her. Dark brown curly hair, gentle eyes. H. another schizophrenic talked to me.  Well I opened up the communication. And then they warned me of his inability to see boundaries. Great! Thanks! I coulda told me sooner. I just wanted to sleep. I am getting afraid again.

I laid down rested, maybe fell asleep. I don't know why I woke up, but I did. I felt sick to my stomach. So nauseous head hurts. I feel sad again.But the night is coming. I'm trying hard not to throw up.
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What I remember it was like was uncomfortable. They took things that were simple and meaningless to most people. Such as shoe laces. And they "tried" to take my necklace, something near and dear to me. People there looked much worse off them myself. And I felt that their sickness brought me further down. My delusions were awful at that time. Things like seeing children peeking in the glass slot on the door and laughing. I felt like their were cameras watching me through the fire sprinklers in the ceilings. The food was awful, and I didn't want to eat any of it. I just wanted to smoke. And they only let you smoke every hour, on the hour and thats it. I felt like it was just them trying to give normalcy back to people's lives who didn't know what normal was anymore. I had to admit myself another time about 6 months later, and vowed to never go back there even under my worst circumstances.

If you could change ONE thing - By random people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder

I posted this on a group website for those dealing with Bipolar Disorder and these are the responses I recieved:

If you could change one thing about your illness....

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  What would it be? If you had a chance to change something about it. A symptom, or situation or loss or gain. What would you change? You're not allowed to take it away.... only change ONE thing.
  
  

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  ME: I would change the fact that if I have children, they have a higher risk of living with this illness too. I would take away all the chances of my possible future children having to struggle with this painful and challenging illness. I don't know if I can stand back and watch them yo yo through life with pain and joy and pain again. I can handle it myself. I can do it, but I don't want them to have to suffer too.

  
  

  Responce #1:  I would change my hypomanic episodes to being euphoric rather than dysphoric so that I could get some kind of enjoyment out of them!

  
  

  Response #2: there are a few things i'd change; suicidal thoughts, over sensative, being out of control..

  
  

  Response #3: I would change my inabilty to process intellectual content. Was going to school to become a Jr. High math teacher and was an algebra tutor now I am unable to balance my own checkbook.

  
  

  Response #4: Motivation - it's the very first thing to go when a depressive episode is coming on. Even a mild low. It wouldn't be so bad if I felt like crap but still had the motivation to get out of bed and function in life even a little bit. This makes me completely useless half the time!

  
  

  Response#5: I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE THIS FEELING OF BEING LONELY. THINKING NOBODY LOVES YOU. LIKE YOUR ALL ALLONE IN THE WORLD. ALSO BRINGING THE FACT THAT NOW YOU ACT HAPPY. HATE YOURSELF FOR DOING THAT CAUSE YOU FELL LIKE A CHEAT,BUT ENDURE THE PERSONAL HATRED JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES YOU

  
  

  Response #6:  I would get rid of the side-effects of my meds as I am able to control my symptoms well with my meds but my side-effects suck almost as bad as my illness.

  
  

  Response #7: The question makes my mind whirl. I tried answering it yesterday and just kept deleting everything I wrote.

  
  Response #8: I would want to change when I was diagnosed properly. I got my diagnosis when I was 40. I have had something wrong with me as long as I can remember. I've always known my brain worked differently than everyone around me but didn't know why. I started seeing doctors and therapists when I was 14 and kept getting the wrong diagnoses. Nothing they did was going to help because I was either take no medication or the wrong medication. A lot of wasted time, erratic behavior, severe depressions and psychotic manias later I know now why. I wish it would have been 20 years sooner.
  
  Response #9: I would change the stigma around mental health and having to disclose that I'm Bipolar on job application forms. I'm no different now to how I was 6 years ago when I was a paramedic, I just have this label attached to me now and applying for a job they make up stupid reasons as to why I'm not shortlisted for interview. I'm quite stable on my meds and quite able to work if they would just give me a chance.
  
  
  
  
  There were also a few that I did not get consent for that were simple to the point, and extremely painful to realize that someone feels such a way. It's amazing how some people can express themselves so well in only 2 words.

Art over past years

Here are a few pieces of my art. These are not my best but more of just some scribbles. Notice how they mimic night and day. I didn't even realize it until I was taking photos of them to put them up. It's almost like my emotions were on paper, even though I was drawing something completely un-related.

I'll try and take a photo of my best work, but I doubt I'll remember.
Thanks and Enjoy.

New Look, Same Great Taste!

Just learning how to do some things with my blog. I found this template and really liked it. I hope it helps you navigate through my blog easier. Explore a bit. Let me know what you think.

Thanks

-Mel