Loosing another person

I've been battling and accomplishing weight loss. For the past few months, I have been watching nearly everything I eat and monitoring my calories, and types of food I am intaking. I have lost a total of 35 lbs! This is a huge accomplishment for me as I have never lost weight, unless I was sick. I mean seriously 35 lbs in a little over 2 months, thats HUGE! I even picked up running and walking as a past time.

Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.

The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!

I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.

So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought,  "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.

I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.

Quote of the Day - Glitch in my Brain.

Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.11

Jogging through life

I ended up not doing the volunteering with horses. I think it's too much of a commitment for me and I'm still so new at feeling well. I ALWAYS take on too much and then end up letting it all go and falling back into a deep depression. Then not only am I feeling depressed but guilty for not holding up the commitments I made previously. The shame involved with that is centered around failure. Failure can be a crippling experience if you are someone who deals with it often. I do somewhat feel like I failed because I did make "that" call to set up the volunteer thing in motion. But I figured better to keep myself sane then simply busy.

Lately I have been struggling with my body not being able to go as fast as I want it to. Both in life accomplishments, and also while walking. I found that I started to graze at night and eat the amount of an entire meal in snacking. It was taking over my evening life. It was running my nights. It was taking over my life. I tried just about everything and then ended up realizing I was simply bored. I had nothing to do, so I occupied myself with snacking. My mind was going to fast for my body. My body had nothing to to. My physical world was completed for the day. I needed a project. So I borrowed my mother-inlaw's sowing machine and started doing some sowing projects that I've had on my to do list for weeks now. The eating stopped. I also started my walking up in the evening and did a few alterations of keeping busy at night. I do still find myself snacking on a few things but mostly I am in control now. I felt so helpless and so defeated in the beginning and I now realize that it was a simple solution to a big problem.

As for going faster on my walks, I have expressed to a few people who are avid exercisers that my body was simply not ready to do what I wanted and the jogging was hurting my shins, knees, and Achilles tendon. My sister inlaw offered up some advice that was very useful. She recommended that I try doing a walk/jog. Basically I would be jogging in place and move forward slowly and steadily. IT WORKED!. My body held my weight for about just under 1/4 mile. My muscles still got worked out but I could move. I got the mobility my mind wanted. I wanted to go faster. I wanted to run, and get pumped up. My body just couldn't. This gives me more of a challenge then just walking, but not so much pressure that my body is risking injury. I was proud, and happy, and pleased that I had found something that worked for me, and something that I liked. I just wish no one could see me do it! HA!

Oh and P.S. I got the trail running shoes I've been wanting so bad. They have been of great use! :) Go Salomon!

Medication downfall

I am finding that the better I feel emotionally and the more I feel my meds are working, the more I eat. At night I eat. I graze. Salts, then sugars, then salts again. This can go on until I've eaten enough for an entire meal and I feel awful. I do it every night. And I can not stop! I've tried substituting tea, which I love, and then I just eat on top of drinking the tea. I am frustrated because I have been working out but not seeing any products of my labor. I know it's because of my night time grazing. I eat alright through out the day, and have hardly any cravings, but as soon as I finish dinner...... here comes the cravings. It's simply driving me crazy. I even tried getting a watermelon and eating as much as I wanted. I was stuffed, and still wanted something else.

This is what I hate about medication. The side effects. I know this is something that I can't partly control because I have been on other medication where I lose my appetite. I only wished those medications worked as well as this one.

So my choice is to be fat and happy, or skinny and think I'm going to go blind (side effect of facial pain) and not feel as happy but feel alright. Well, I guess I'll chose fat and happy.

The better I feel, the less I write

I don't know why this is, but when my meds are working and I feel good, I write less. I think less. I feel like I am not in my head as much, and I spend more time doing, instead of just thinking. I think it's healthier. I think it makes me happier when I can actually accomplish things instead of circling them around in my brain. It seems they get caught up somewhere in there and never make it out to real life. I sometimes hold on to things and just can't seem to let them go. They just recycle emotions which makes me unhappy and unhealthy.

Anyways, this weeks homework is to let go of the past that causes me upset. I don't know exactly how to do it, but when ever I find myself thinking about the past memories that are painful I am going to push them out and away. Also, I am working on letting go of things that are frustrating today. Little things that are petty, that bother me so much. This is difficult as well.

Part of this has been marinating in my soul for a while also. I have been pondering when I should get baptized again. I want to, but I was unsure of it. I decided this week that it was time. It is time to let go and forgive the past. Move forward and start a new era. And era with Christ in my life and joy that overflows out of myself and onto other people. And even though there will be tough times, I will always remember that God loves me and is with me through it all. His hand print is on everything I do.

I have been doing so well that I also decided to volunteer at a horse rescue. I needed to do something that makes me happy and fills my days with something that allows me to find myself again. I believe this will be such good therapy for me. May1st is the volunteer orientation.

I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but I thought I should at least let you know where I was at in my world.

Bad day

Ugghh, I had a bad dream, which set the stage for a bad day. I hate that they can control me in a way that effects me negatively.

I dreamed that my old job asked me to come back after they already fired me. They said they weren't done with me yet, and thought I still had potential. They were wrong for firing me. I actually thought about going back. But I had to think about how unhappy I was, and the anxiety that place caused me. And I felt somehow empowered with the choice to say, "Thanks but no thanks." I mean they fired me once easily, which means they could do it again with ease. I remember telling her that I wasn't going to change, that my illness was going to be a problem, just like before and that I will still have lots of sick days. More then the average Joe. And she said she knew and I still didn't believe her. And I said no. I would not like to go back. It was not a healthy environment for me.

And then today, we've been on the phone with this particular company. You can't seem to get a hold of anyone that knows anything or can do anything right. It's frustrating to say the least. Today, I didn't pray for patience, because I used all that I had. But instead I pray for a resolution. This has gone on too long, and it's wearing on me.

Today the song of the day is.

Had a bad day -Song by Daniel Powter