What does it mean to have Anxiety?

My homework for counseling this week was to think about anxiety, and what it means to me to have it. I only started to think about it last night, and I have to divulge that I feel overwhelmed even thinking about it. It's a feeling I know well, but why and where it comes from is a complete mystery to me. I think so many things can be a factor that I never bothered to think about where it stems from. It's too big of a thought. It's almost like asking myself where existence came from and discussing God in length. Sometimes it just hurts your brain. I know what I believe about God, but to actually try and "figure" God out, is a complete waste of time because I feel like we'll never touch even a fraction of what He is and can do. Thats how I feel about anxiety.

So know, here I am trying to figure out where anxiety comes from and I feel stumped.

I decided to start with the physical and biological feelings I get when I know "anxiety" is with me.

Feelings:

• Tensed up
• Heart tight and pounding hard
• A sense of dizziness in my chest
• A clamy feeling all over or heat wave all over
• Racing thoughts
• Heart fluttering
• Stomach uneasy
• Mixed emotions - Anger, Sadness, Worry.

What makes me anxious?

-Being in the presents of someone or people who think ill of me.

How do I know they don't like me?

-I don't know for sure. But I "feel it" or "sense" it. Sometimes I am wrong, Actually I am wrong a lot of the times.

Why am I anxious about being around someone who doesn't like me?

-I'm afraid of rejection. I want to run if I am feeling rejected. So I can leave them first before they leave me. I can stay in control, and minimize the pain I feel from loosing the person. I never hardly ever let them form their own opinion. I seem to taint it and skew it so that they end up really not liking me and then in the end rejecting me. I seem to impose these feelings on people.

Do I always leave?

-No. I've been able to keep some relationships going. But the other person has to be committed to standing by me through thick and thin. They have to know that I really am a good person and to stick with me when things get confusing for me. I seem to test them. To see if they really will stay. As if they  have to pass a test. I make the air so uncomfortable that I assume they feel the comfortableness too, eventually leaving me because of the weirdness.

So maybe I create my own anxiety. And if I create my own anxiety, is it possible I can stop it? Can I also stop my relationship problems and confusions? Do I really hold my own key to get out of this vicious cycle or hurt and loss? 

Well.... I am going to leave this for now. It's been a big exploration for me. I think I need to think about some of this.

Diary of a Schizophrenic

I was diagnosed early on to have Schizo affective disorder, and thankfully later on in life I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From what I learned Schizo affective only got much much worse. Like every mental illness they all eventually go further down hill. The hope for a full recovery is so distant. I feel like bipolar is a slightly less diagnosis. But can be just as debilitating. Anyways, when I admitted myself to the Psych Hospital, I kept a journal. I started it just before I went in, and kept it up while I was in there. Here is an entry.
__________________________________________________________________________
Diary of a Schizophrenic:

10/21/01
I had yet another episode last night, called my mother and decided I can't do this anymore. I felt like I have not slept. Only 3 hours though. Woke up and couldn't stay put because I would wake my friend who came home to take care of me and help me. The voices continued all night. It was the sound of a party, large, many people talking, no music, just a huge room with many mumblings and conversations. They wouldn't let me hear. As if conspiring to take me over.

Here I am (in the hospital) in my own room inside my, "mental retreat". I feel oddly not alone, yet completely alone. People who are like me, finally. But everyone is in their own world. My heart is pounding, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. I just want to sleep. But I feel like everything is in fast forward with the volume on high. People are nice, but all have their own problems. I want to talk. I feel lonely. Currently looking for a companion I can trust. But I know it is not going to happen. They are all hear because they can't trust themselves either.

The sky is grey and dreary, like my heart. They took a sample of my urine to do tests. So that's nice. Dr.P works here. So when I do see him, on Nov 26th I will have a better idea, of what I don't know yet. I just wish my heart would stop beating so hard and fast, and my head would stop hurting.

I feel safe kind of. I feel like giving everyone a hug to thank them.

There are zebra's on the wall in the jungle portion of the lounge. I like them. They remind me of the horses in my life. Their eyes are kind and gentle, they do not judge or question their being, they just be. They work hard for their rider because they love them. But they receive the love in return. But the zebra stripes are dizzying. I can't focus on their beauty for too long at one time.

My head isn't hurting too bad now, but it comes and goes. Maybe when I think about it.

B. came and spoke with me. Very nice person. He is a mental health worker. He says he thinks he knows me, probably not though. I like that someone who takes time to talk to me.

Funny, I finally have what i want. Time. Time for me. Time for me to get well..

Went to grieve and loss group time and talked about Bay. Listened to a bunch of sh*t I don'[t need to hear. I wanted to walk out, but not be rude.

Made my first friend S. I like her. Dark brown curly hair, gentle eyes. H. another schizophrenic talked to me.  Well I opened up the communication. And then they warned me of his inability to see boundaries. Great! Thanks! I coulda told me sooner. I just wanted to sleep. I am getting afraid again.

I laid down rested, maybe fell asleep. I don't know why I woke up, but I did. I felt sick to my stomach. So nauseous head hurts. I feel sad again.But the night is coming. I'm trying hard not to throw up.
____________________________________________________________________________

What I remember it was like was uncomfortable. They took things that were simple and meaningless to most people. Such as shoe laces. And they "tried" to take my necklace, something near and dear to me. People there looked much worse off them myself. And I felt that their sickness brought me further down. My delusions were awful at that time. Things like seeing children peeking in the glass slot on the door and laughing. I felt like their were cameras watching me through the fire sprinklers in the ceilings. The food was awful, and I didn't want to eat any of it. I just wanted to smoke. And they only let you smoke every hour, on the hour and thats it. I felt like it was just them trying to give normalcy back to people's lives who didn't know what normal was anymore. I had to admit myself another time about 6 months later, and vowed to never go back there even under my worst circumstances.

If you could change ONE thing - By random people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder

I posted this on a group website for those dealing with Bipolar Disorder and these are the responses I recieved:

If you could change one thing about your illness....

• 
  
  

  What would it be? If you had a chance to change something about it. A symptom, or situation or loss or gain. What would you change? You're not allowed to take it away.... only change ONE thing.
  
  

• 
  
  

  ME: I would change the fact that if I have children, they have a higher risk of living with this illness too. I would take away all the chances of my possible future children having to struggle with this painful and challenging illness. I don't know if I can stand back and watch them yo yo through life with pain and joy and pain again. I can handle it myself. I can do it, but I don't want them to have to suffer too.

  
  

  Responce #1:  I would change my hypomanic episodes to being euphoric rather than dysphoric so that I could get some kind of enjoyment out of them!

  
  

  Response #2: there are a few things i'd change; suicidal thoughts, over sensative, being out of control..

  
  

  Response #3: I would change my inabilty to process intellectual content. Was going to school to become a Jr. High math teacher and was an algebra tutor now I am unable to balance my own checkbook.

  
  

  Response #4: Motivation - it's the very first thing to go when a depressive episode is coming on. Even a mild low. It wouldn't be so bad if I felt like crap but still had the motivation to get out of bed and function in life even a little bit. This makes me completely useless half the time!

  
  

  Response#5: I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE THIS FEELING OF BEING LONELY. THINKING NOBODY LOVES YOU. LIKE YOUR ALL ALLONE IN THE WORLD. ALSO BRINGING THE FACT THAT NOW YOU ACT HAPPY. HATE YOURSELF FOR DOING THAT CAUSE YOU FELL LIKE A CHEAT,BUT ENDURE THE PERSONAL HATRED JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES YOU

  
  

  Response #6:  I would get rid of the side-effects of my meds as I am able to control my symptoms well with my meds but my side-effects suck almost as bad as my illness.

  
  

  Response #7: The question makes my mind whirl. I tried answering it yesterday and just kept deleting everything I wrote.

  
  Response #8: I would want to change when I was diagnosed properly. I got my diagnosis when I was 40. I have had something wrong with me as long as I can remember. I've always known my brain worked differently than everyone around me but didn't know why. I started seeing doctors and therapists when I was 14 and kept getting the wrong diagnoses. Nothing they did was going to help because I was either take no medication or the wrong medication. A lot of wasted time, erratic behavior, severe depressions and psychotic manias later I know now why. I wish it would have been 20 years sooner.
  
  Response #9: I would change the stigma around mental health and having to disclose that I'm Bipolar on job application forms. I'm no different now to how I was 6 years ago when I was a paramedic, I just have this label attached to me now and applying for a job they make up stupid reasons as to why I'm not shortlisted for interview. I'm quite stable on my meds and quite able to work if they would just give me a chance.
  
  
  
  
  There were also a few that I did not get consent for that were simple to the point, and extremely painful to realize that someone feels such a way. It's amazing how some people can express themselves so well in only 2 words.

Art over past years

Here are a few pieces of my art. These are not my best but more of just some scribbles. Notice how they mimic night and day. I didn't even realize it until I was taking photos of them to put them up. It's almost like my emotions were on paper, even though I was drawing something completely un-related.

I'll try and take a photo of my best work, but I doubt I'll remember.
Thanks and Enjoy.

New Look, Same Great Taste!

Just learning how to do some things with my blog. I found this template and really liked it. I hope it helps you navigate through my blog easier. Explore a bit. Let me know what you think.

Thanks

-Mel

Me, Myself and God

How do I start this? I could say that I knew God, but got lost and was eventually saved again and He is in my life now.  That would be accurate, but everything that makes this story, my story, significant is the difficult “stuff” in between. With out the difficult “stuff” the good would not simply be as good. I would not appreciate where I was in life today with out having gone through the things I did.

When I was around 15 I was highly involved in youth group and people who genuinely cared about me. I was beginning to learn what it was like to have God in my life. I was also learning what God was like. He was a Father, a Teacher, a Friend, and a Creator. How could I not love my own creator? Because the truth was pointing me to one thing. Christianity was the “Right way” to go. So I went. I was baptized in a small pond that was owned by someone in the church. There was several other people who were being baptized as well. There was food and a celebration. There was joy. There was worship. There was happiness. How I lost that Joy I have no idea. How I could have willingly walked away from that joy I will never know.

My teen years were harder then most from my point of view. But perhaps from everyone’s own point of view their teen years were the hardest too. I really can’t say for sure that mine were harder then most, but it sure felt like it. It was surly not hard because of my family life. Family life for me was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for more. Although my Dad was not present for most of my childhood years, I learned to accept him and his faults even though he wasn’t the greatest Dad. Yes that effected me, but it didn’t bother me to the extent high school and social life did. I was teased by kids, but I believe I put myself in the position to be teased. I was called a “spaz”. I don’t know why they used the word spaz, and it doesn’t really matter. I was always, I mean always the butt of jokes. I can’t tell you how tired I was of that. I was an intelligent person even at 16. I was also much more mature then the average teen. People would come to my mom and tell her that I was so mature for my age. I was working as a ranch had before I could even drive so that I could feed my horses. The responsibility I had for my horses made me grow up fast because they relied on me for everything.

Somehow along the way, I got caught up on the internet. I started chatting to strangers and made friends across the world. One was from the Midwest, another from Sweden, one from Australia, and one from England. I would spend all my free time chatting, conversing and creating friendships that were not even real. It was easier to be myself there, then in real life. I eventually met someone from Pakistan. And though part of me wishes I never met him, I am partly happy because he taught me a very hard lesson.

I am going to call him Joe. Joe and I started talking. A friendship grew into something more serious. We talked on the phone, and chatted for hours. I thought he was a kind person with good intentions. I was sadly mistaken. Over the course of 3 years I was controlled in ways that is hard to believe. Someone from across the world was able to make me disown my Christian beliefs and take on their Muslim beliefs. I was so serious about my new found religion that I became vegetarian because I could not buy “blessed meat” also known as “Halal meat”. To make a long painful story shorter and more bearable I will just say that I was brainwashed. My current beliefs were torn down and in place of the old his ideas and ways of living were planted and Joe sat back and watched them grow. I saw and experienced dark things that a young adult should never have to. It was hard, hurtful and dark point in my life. Although I thought that God was more present in my life then ever. I later felt abandoned and wondered why he would let me stray so far away from the path of Light. The path of God. His path.

When I finally reached a point in life that I was strong enough to realize that this was wrong and that Joe was not a good person. I ended all contact with him. And started to put my life back together. Figuring out who I was, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had forgotten who I was. I was so angry with God. Not angry enough to say he didn’t exist, but Angry enough to have resentment, and look at him as not my friend. I viewed God as a careless hurtful Creator who made his subjects and then left them to fend for themselves.

After a few years of that anger and resentment, I happened to meet Tyson. Tyson and I dated for about a 8 months or so and then he announced to me that he was going to rejoin the church and become active again. That he wanted God in his life again. I looked at him shocked and terrified. He knew how I felt about God. He knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with a radical religious person. It was ok to be around people who had luke warm spiritual ideas and beliefs, but absolutely not organized religion.

After a few mins passed by and we talked about his decision, I realized that I needed to heal my broken heart. That the anger was not ok to be living with. So I thought that I would join him occasionally to church and slowly take this path with him. I was cautious, and scared to my core.

We went to Fiddletown Church and I remember thinking how nice all of these people were, and ever time I returned, they were even more pleasant and genuine. I made friendships and started to join in and slowly but surely God healed my heart.

Tyson and I got married and though God and Christianity was part of my life then, I didn’t truly know how God would be working in my life, and I certainly didn’t even know what he was doing then in my life.

Recently I had the chance to look back on my life and see how God was with me and working in my life even in my darkest moments. He wanted me to be tested  and so he tested me. And though I left him once, I did come back. And that is the ultimate show of Love in his Eyes. The act of willingly accepting Him in your life wholeheartedly. To know that there ARE other paths that are not God’s way, but that Christ is the BEST PATH.. And to believe and know that JESUS is the only Way, and the only Light.

This is what God did in my life

*Showed me his way

*Showed me that I have my own will to walk away from him

*Showed me that Anger and resentment is poison to the soul

*Gave me Tyson who opened my heart to God again

*Gave me a choice to come back to him and accepted me when I did

*Gave me Tyson’s family to make my life more full

*Took away the entire side of my Father’s family but in return enforced that God gave me Tyson’s family to replace them. A family that was healthier for me and certainly more loving.

*God prepared me to loose connections with the entire side of my Dad’s family, but he prepared me leading up to it so that I could cope and not feel empty, but see that I had what was best for me. People that loved me where in my life.

And here I am today, God still working in my life, and even though I sometimes can’t see the whole plan, I know that he is always working with me and guiding me on the path that is His Path.

Thank you God for accepting me and forgiving me.