Well, I'd like to hope everything is all better with some sleep. Well most of it is anyways. Still have the anxiety in the background, but I feel more stable then I did last night. I realize that I am cycling. I don't enjoy it at all. It's exhausting. I spent some time with some girlfriends today and I think that helped get my mind of my internal feelings. However, sometimes I feel like I am, "faking it" what ever it is that I am faking. Life maybe? Putting on a happy face when I feel icky inside? I am not entirely sure, but it doesn't feel authentic sometimes.
I've totally lost track with where I was going with this blog post.
Lets touch on the authentic bit. I strive to be authentic as a person. What you see is what you get. But when I am not doing as well as I would like, I have learned that it's best to "fake it". Put on a mask and go through the motions. You can not sit at home and stare at the walls feeling sorry for yourself. You have to get up get dressed and go outside even if it's to the post office or grocery store. Unfortunately you have to practice at being healthy minded. And it is exactly that Practice. What I don't like most about..."faking it" is that I feel like I am not being authentic to my friends, family, and who ever I am dealing with that day. Except do they really want to hear, "Ya I feel crappy today, just like yesterday and the day before.". It gets old real fast. Lets see how many friends you keep while doing and acting like that?..... so there is my delema. Do they want the real you?? The brutally honest you?. Or should they see the best you that you can manage today and in that moment? I have to tell you that sometimes I slip, and vent to friends about something. Sometimes I get a little "too emotional." about things and get carried away. I then realize I've overstepped. I've gone to far. And once you've gone to far, it's hard to come back.
Well, anyways, my point being I felt better in the morning after a good nights rest. And I went about my day. But now I am feeling scatter brained and even as I type this post I feel like I keep touching on all these different topics. Not really tackling one problem.
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wow, it's been a while!
Firsts things first. I've been doing fantastic. I've never been so stable for so long. It's a blessing and it was a much needed break from all the emotional roller coasters that life brings when having a mental disorder. And I am once again realizing that nothing stays the same, and everything is meant to come to an end. After months of stability, that you can see from my non-posting or blogging, I am dealing with some unreasonable anxiety. I don't yet know the source and I've been putting up with it for about a month and a half. So, I'm realizing that this isn't something that will pass. That it probably is medication. I've learned that when you have an emotion that can not be explained away then it is most likely the illness coming through. It's so hard to tell. It's just so complicated. You are left to second guess your own emotions. Something that is you, and is owned by only you. People can not help you deciphering your emotions. You are all alone when it comes to this. It's your decisions on how you want to interpret your emotions. People such as Doctors, family and friends can only assist you and ask you questions and try to help you through them. But when it comes down to it, it is on your shoulders to figure out what your feeling. This has been the most difficult task of all.
Let me return to what I am feeling. I've had some daily anxiety, and what I mean by anxiety is worry, and muscle tention and contracts such as my hands making fists, thoughts of bad things happening such as a car wreck, night mares, difficulty sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to get back to sleep, fast talking and not being able to keep up with my thoughts when I talk, and I wake up feeling anxious- It lasts all day long.
So considering I've handled this for a month and a half. With only the last week getting to the point of trouble dealing with it. I've done a great job coping. I didn't jump to conclusions and up my dosage on my meds, or call my doctor and freak out and break down in worry. I waited it out and handled it until I felt I needed more help. Even as I read back my description of how I am feeling. It says classic biploar symptoms. Even I can see that. So, I'll give my doctor a call tomorrow and see if I can up my dosage.
Another thing. I've met new friends. I know that sounds funny, and childish, but it's so good for me. I've been honest and open about my illness, and they are accepting me and all of my glory. They are healthy relationship and I find great comfort in the companionship they offer. I can only hope that I bring something to the table for them. I certainly hope it's not one sided.
With making new friends, I find the need to be open about my illness, because I have certain quarks about me that may seem weird sometimes. Even though it explains my problems, it helps them understand where I am coming from. However, when I disclosed this information to a certain friend I didn't realize that I frightened her. She told me tonight that when I first told her I was bipolar that she was scared of me. A mutual friend told her that I had depression and sometimes gets paranoid of friends. I understand why she shared the information about me to this friend. She was trying to help her get to know me. But she said... that she was scared of me because she was worried that if I got mad at her I would say bad things about her. Or perhaps stock her, or basically be nutzo and go crazy. We talked about the stigma that is still thriving in this world and community. How that even now, in 2011 people are still afraid of people with mental illness. I explained to her that my illness did not cause problems to others, that mostly being biploar causes internal issues and everything is drawn inward. Unfortunately there are some people who when you become involved with biploar people, you can stand in the way of the illness, and sometimes can be a victim of it as well. For example. Husbands may suffer because their spouse is not present in life or their relationship. Children suffer sometimes because their mom or dad is going through a down spell of depression and are less active in their children's lives. Friends pull away from friends in order to be alone with their illness. Yes, there are victims of biploar. But the BIGGEST victim of all is the one suffering from Biploar disorder themselves. Knowing my own self... and knowing other people. Most likely the majority of those who are suffering and challenged with bipolar would never hurt a fly. But would harm themselves if given the proper reasons, and chance to do so.
I have always wanted to educate people about mental illness, but have never felt strong enough to do so. But today I felt like I did my part. She obviously trusted me enough to talk about her fears about me with me. And I certainly hope I put some to rest. But it doesn't also take away the fact that I'm hurt that I still scare people with my illness. Just when you think it won't bother people anymore because it's now 2011 and people are more educated someone like Charlie Sheen comes to into the social media spotlight and freak people out again about us.
What is a girl supposed to do? When all the general population hears about bipolar and mental illness is in the news where a Mother drove a car into the river with her 2 small children. Or. Some young adult started a fire in a local mall and burned it down...... all because they were mentally ill.
How do we overcome such stigmas. When they only show the absolute worse of it? Those that are so far gone, and those that did not receive help and medical, that now they have resorted to insanity? I feel like I am fighting the world. And it's an overwhelming impossible fight. And how can I fight the world, when I can barely manage to fight my own fight within myself? Who will be strong enough to fight the world with me?
I will try to keep up again, I know it's been to long with my blog posts. I hope you haven't forgotten about me as I have not forgotten about you.
Let me return to what I am feeling. I've had some daily anxiety, and what I mean by anxiety is worry, and muscle tention and contracts such as my hands making fists, thoughts of bad things happening such as a car wreck, night mares, difficulty sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to get back to sleep, fast talking and not being able to keep up with my thoughts when I talk, and I wake up feeling anxious- It lasts all day long.
So considering I've handled this for a month and a half. With only the last week getting to the point of trouble dealing with it. I've done a great job coping. I didn't jump to conclusions and up my dosage on my meds, or call my doctor and freak out and break down in worry. I waited it out and handled it until I felt I needed more help. Even as I read back my description of how I am feeling. It says classic biploar symptoms. Even I can see that. So, I'll give my doctor a call tomorrow and see if I can up my dosage.
Another thing. I've met new friends. I know that sounds funny, and childish, but it's so good for me. I've been honest and open about my illness, and they are accepting me and all of my glory. They are healthy relationship and I find great comfort in the companionship they offer. I can only hope that I bring something to the table for them. I certainly hope it's not one sided.
With making new friends, I find the need to be open about my illness, because I have certain quarks about me that may seem weird sometimes. Even though it explains my problems, it helps them understand where I am coming from. However, when I disclosed this information to a certain friend I didn't realize that I frightened her. She told me tonight that when I first told her I was bipolar that she was scared of me. A mutual friend told her that I had depression and sometimes gets paranoid of friends. I understand why she shared the information about me to this friend. She was trying to help her get to know me. But she said... that she was scared of me because she was worried that if I got mad at her I would say bad things about her. Or perhaps stock her, or basically be nutzo and go crazy. We talked about the stigma that is still thriving in this world and community. How that even now, in 2011 people are still afraid of people with mental illness. I explained to her that my illness did not cause problems to others, that mostly being biploar causes internal issues and everything is drawn inward. Unfortunately there are some people who when you become involved with biploar people, you can stand in the way of the illness, and sometimes can be a victim of it as well. For example. Husbands may suffer because their spouse is not present in life or their relationship. Children suffer sometimes because their mom or dad is going through a down spell of depression and are less active in their children's lives. Friends pull away from friends in order to be alone with their illness. Yes, there are victims of biploar. But the BIGGEST victim of all is the one suffering from Biploar disorder themselves. Knowing my own self... and knowing other people. Most likely the majority of those who are suffering and challenged with bipolar would never hurt a fly. But would harm themselves if given the proper reasons, and chance to do so.
I have always wanted to educate people about mental illness, but have never felt strong enough to do so. But today I felt like I did my part. She obviously trusted me enough to talk about her fears about me with me. And I certainly hope I put some to rest. But it doesn't also take away the fact that I'm hurt that I still scare people with my illness. Just when you think it won't bother people anymore because it's now 2011 and people are more educated someone like Charlie Sheen comes to into the social media spotlight and freak people out again about us.
What is a girl supposed to do? When all the general population hears about bipolar and mental illness is in the news where a Mother drove a car into the river with her 2 small children. Or. Some young adult started a fire in a local mall and burned it down...... all because they were mentally ill.
How do we overcome such stigmas. When they only show the absolute worse of it? Those that are so far gone, and those that did not receive help and medical, that now they have resorted to insanity? I feel like I am fighting the world. And it's an overwhelming impossible fight. And how can I fight the world, when I can barely manage to fight my own fight within myself? Who will be strong enough to fight the world with me?
I will try to keep up again, I know it's been to long with my blog posts. I hope you haven't forgotten about me as I have not forgotten about you.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Strength
I have realized in the last few months that I have such an infinite amount of strength. The problem is that I choose not to use it all the time. I've been tapping into that strength more and more as I age. And I am beginning to learn to control it. It just amazes me of how strong a person can be.
When I think of myself I think..."weakness"...."incapable"...."failure". However when I really honestly look back in my life I think "Holy crap, I did that???!!!" I mean honestly what person do you know that has a mental illness that is able to maintain a life worth living? Manage medications? Ask for help when they need it? For the most part those with mental health challenges struggle with the most basic of things. Something as simple as gathering with friends. Sure I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are worth keeping and are quality.
So with the struggles I have had, as well as the losses. I realize now that I am strong. I may not be like everyone else, but in and of myself, I am a strong woman.
When I think of myself I think..."weakness"...."incapable"...."failure". However when I really honestly look back in my life I think "Holy crap, I did that???!!!" I mean honestly what person do you know that has a mental illness that is able to maintain a life worth living? Manage medications? Ask for help when they need it? For the most part those with mental health challenges struggle with the most basic of things. Something as simple as gathering with friends. Sure I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are worth keeping and are quality.
So with the struggles I have had, as well as the losses. I realize now that I am strong. I may not be like everyone else, but in and of myself, I am a strong woman.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Loosing another person
I've been battling and accomplishing weight loss. For the past few months, I have been watching nearly everything I eat and monitoring my calories, and types of food I am intaking. I have lost a total of 35 lbs! This is a huge accomplishment for me as I have never lost weight, unless I was sick. I mean seriously 35 lbs in a little over 2 months, thats HUGE! I even picked up running and walking as a past time.
Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.
The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!
I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.
So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought, "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.
I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.
Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.
The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!
I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.
So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought, "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.
I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Quote of the Day - Glitch in my Brain.
Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.11
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.11
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Jogging through life
I ended up not doing the volunteering with horses. I think it's too much of a commitment for me and I'm still so new at feeling well. I ALWAYS take on too much and then end up letting it all go and falling back into a deep depression. Then not only am I feeling depressed but guilty for not holding up the commitments I made previously. The shame involved with that is centered around failure. Failure can be a crippling experience if you are someone who deals with it often. I do somewhat feel like I failed because I did make "that" call to set up the volunteer thing in motion. But I figured better to keep myself sane then simply busy.
Lately I have been struggling with my body not being able to go as fast as I want it to. Both in life accomplishments, and also while walking. I found that I started to graze at night and eat the amount of an entire meal in snacking. It was taking over my evening life. It was running my nights. It was taking over my life. I tried just about everything and then ended up realizing I was simply bored. I had nothing to do, so I occupied myself with snacking. My mind was going to fast for my body. My body had nothing to to. My physical world was completed for the day. I needed a project. So I borrowed my mother-inlaw's sowing machine and started doing some sowing projects that I've had on my to do list for weeks now. The eating stopped. I also started my walking up in the evening and did a few alterations of keeping busy at night. I do still find myself snacking on a few things but mostly I am in control now. I felt so helpless and so defeated in the beginning and I now realize that it was a simple solution to a big problem.
As for going faster on my walks, I have expressed to a few people who are avid exercisers that my body was simply not ready to do what I wanted and the jogging was hurting my shins, knees, and Achilles tendon. My sister inlaw offered up some advice that was very useful. She recommended that I try doing a walk/jog. Basically I would be jogging in place and move forward slowly and steadily. IT WORKED!. My body held my weight for about just under 1/4 mile. My muscles still got worked out but I could move. I got the mobility my mind wanted. I wanted to go faster. I wanted to run, and get pumped up. My body just couldn't. This gives me more of a challenge then just walking, but not so much pressure that my body is risking injury. I was proud, and happy, and pleased that I had found something that worked for me, and something that I liked. I just wish no one could see me do it! HA!
Oh and P.S. I got the trail running shoes I've been wanting so bad. They have been of great use! :) Go Salomon!
Lately I have been struggling with my body not being able to go as fast as I want it to. Both in life accomplishments, and also while walking. I found that I started to graze at night and eat the amount of an entire meal in snacking. It was taking over my evening life. It was running my nights. It was taking over my life. I tried just about everything and then ended up realizing I was simply bored. I had nothing to do, so I occupied myself with snacking. My mind was going to fast for my body. My body had nothing to to. My physical world was completed for the day. I needed a project. So I borrowed my mother-inlaw's sowing machine and started doing some sowing projects that I've had on my to do list for weeks now. The eating stopped. I also started my walking up in the evening and did a few alterations of keeping busy at night. I do still find myself snacking on a few things but mostly I am in control now. I felt so helpless and so defeated in the beginning and I now realize that it was a simple solution to a big problem.
As for going faster on my walks, I have expressed to a few people who are avid exercisers that my body was simply not ready to do what I wanted and the jogging was hurting my shins, knees, and Achilles tendon. My sister inlaw offered up some advice that was very useful. She recommended that I try doing a walk/jog. Basically I would be jogging in place and move forward slowly and steadily. IT WORKED!. My body held my weight for about just under 1/4 mile. My muscles still got worked out but I could move. I got the mobility my mind wanted. I wanted to go faster. I wanted to run, and get pumped up. My body just couldn't. This gives me more of a challenge then just walking, but not so much pressure that my body is risking injury. I was proud, and happy, and pleased that I had found something that worked for me, and something that I liked. I just wish no one could see me do it! HA!
Oh and P.S. I got the trail running shoes I've been wanting so bad. They have been of great use! :) Go Salomon!
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