How this came to be...

This is it. This is my one shot. This is the chance I have to to prove to myself that I can infact follow through with one thing. At least one thing I have started. I want to look back and say, "I finished it. I'm done." I am so sick of the fact that I can't even finish one simple thing. I can't create a peice of art worth admiring any more. I can barely scribble anything down to make a picture. Let alone make it worth while of admiration.

This will be my master piece.

My mother has told me many times that I should write a book about my life. For some reason I never really heard her. I've always been interested in writing but I wanted to write a fictional story. I wanted to make up a story of a character that would wow people. I wanted to write a story like no other, a story that did not exist. Something that moved people and reached their souls. Something that would travel like wild fire through hands of friends and families. Then one day as I was telling an old high school friend about my life, and how I got to the point I am now he mentioned that I should write a book about myself. He said, "I would sell millions". I don't know why, but I heard him. I heard him loud and clear. Perhaps it was because of the thoughts that were going through my head this particular week. I don't know why it took. But it did. I heard it. And now I am doing it. One word at a time if that is what it takes. I find it odd how I was trying to make up a story worth writing, when I was already living one.

On to what my thoughts have been. This has been rolling around in my little brain for a few weeks now. I could not stop thinking that I should use my story to help others. I can't imagin letting my experiances go to waste, only to let someone else go through this garbage too. I have always said I will sacrafice my own happiness, and my own life if in fact it would help someone. Perhaps it may even save their life? Perhaps it may just keep them busy, or maybe it could change their lives in a profound way. Either one, it doesn't matter. As long as they walked the journey with me through my words, and through these pages and actually heard it. That would make everything worth while. Every tear that has dropped from my eyes, every sleepless night, every side effect from a medication, ever screaming fit, every confused thought, every lost friendship, every career struggle. Everything...if I could only help one person.

I started to think about public speaking. I quickly realized that would be a quick failure. I would never be able to speak in front of High School students. The fear of rejection would  not allow me to be effective, or healthy in my own brain. Secondly, if I booked a location where I was to speek, I could not garantee that I would be healthy enough to show up and deliver my message. So not only would I let one person down, but groups, or possibly hundreds. No, this would not be the way I was going to help others. Certainly not motivational speaking or educational speaking even.

I thought about starting some sort of educational campaign. The idea was too big for me. Too big for my brain. The project already swallowed me whole. There are so many branches of this "project"... I would never be able to accomplish anything. Ok, this would not be my way to share my experiences either.

So as you can see, this was not going to be an easy task. I seemed to be able to see failure to every medium I chose to deliver my message. Either it needed other people, or commitment, which neither I could deal with in my life with my illness.

........"You should write a book about your life, you would sell millions." And I heard it. And so here I am.

So here I am thinking how I should go about producing such a thing. Chronologically seems logical, but I am Biploar. Logic is not my best asset! At least I know what I have to work with here. Emotions are my best asset. Both good and bad emotions. Almost all of them produce something inside me. So I think that the best way to approach this is open, light hearted, and as it comes. I like to talk about certain things that bother me and I end up kicking it around in my head for a week or sometimes more. Sometimes it hangs around for a month. So I think that I will pick a topic, and talk about it. Share it. Perhaps place historical events or stories, who knows? It will be unpredictable, just like me.