I have realized in the last few months that I have such an infinite amount of strength. The problem is that I choose not to use it all the time. I've been tapping into that strength more and more as I age. And I am beginning to learn to control it. It just amazes me of how strong a person can be.
When I think of myself I think..."weakness"...."incapable"...."failure". However when I really honestly look back in my life I think "Holy crap, I did that???!!!" I mean honestly what person do you know that has a mental illness that is able to maintain a life worth living? Manage medications? Ask for help when they need it? For the most part those with mental health challenges struggle with the most basic of things. Something as simple as gathering with friends. Sure I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are worth keeping and are quality.
So with the struggles I have had, as well as the losses. I realize now that I am strong. I may not be like everyone else, but in and of myself, I am a strong woman.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Loosing another person
I've been battling and accomplishing weight loss. For the past few months, I have been watching nearly everything I eat and monitoring my calories, and types of food I am intaking. I have lost a total of 35 lbs! This is a huge accomplishment for me as I have never lost weight, unless I was sick. I mean seriously 35 lbs in a little over 2 months, thats HUGE! I even picked up running and walking as a past time.
Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.
The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!
I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.
So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought, "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.
I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.
Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.
The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!
I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.
So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought, "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.
I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.
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