Taken...or given?

Had a counseling session yesterday. It was hard on me. It seemed when I needed her the most, she pulled away. She wanted me to realize that she wasn't going to be there all the time for me to bounce ideas off of. She wanted me to learn how to dissect things on my own. By the end of the session I was mentally tired. Like I had been doing a ton of math problems. We talked about boundaries and that it wasn't so much friends crossing them, but I myself was crossing them, and then expecting a certain response from the friend. And when I didn't get the response I was hurt. And then I felt taken advantage of.. I learned that if I give or offer something I need to not expect anything back, not even a thank you. She also gave me a some good advice. She said to look at the "boundaries" like a friendly neighbor fence with a gate that goes both ways, and not an uncrossable brick wall. There is no cross and die, but more of an ebb and flow.There was a ton of other information in that session that was useful. Some of which I came up with myself. But I'd like to go to my dream last night.

I dreamed it was Christmas Eve, the store we were at was warm and decorated. And the family kept making little mean hurtful remarks to me or about me. Like I was the butt of the joke. I got tired of it and blew up. I screamed and cried and told them how I was sick of them saying mean things about me. I told them I had had enough and they needed to stop already. I went outside and sat on the step. A cop car drove by after a while and slowed near me. My family obviously called the cop on me and the cop must have been making sure I wasn't causing problems. After a long while my family came out, and I was stuck having to ride with them. As soon as they came outside, a swarm of teenagers and a few young children around age 7 came around us. They were certainly up to no good. I saw this young 6 year old starting to pull out a gun as I argued for the teen to move and let us pass. I saw the child and I guess through osmosis I knew his name. His name was Sumir. A middle eastern name of course. Of course it had to be a middle eastern name. I went to the child and begged him to stop and hang on just one min. I told him, if he put the gun away, I would give him and them what ever they wanted as long as they left my family alone. I immediately started to take my sweater off, as it was cold and put it on him. I helped his tiny arms through the sleeves and pulled the big sweater over his head. He smiled and walked off in agreement. I looked around and screamed what else do you people want from me? A person came up and said they wanted my hair to be cut off. So I thought for a second and realized if I let them cut it, I would have no hair left. It was tied back in a braid and I took my husbands knife from his belt loop and sliced the braid off, leaving enough hair to fix. I threw it at the young teenager who grinned with happiness that my feelings were hurt. However, I knew this girl. I knew here because she was a friend who I had met recently, and I cared very much about. But she took something near and dear from me. I screamed for the next demand and one stepped forward and said they wanted my cell phone. I said fine after a pause of deliberating and remembering my agreement, "but I want my sim card.". I didn't know how to take it out, and someone assisted me and I gave it to them. I asked for the next demand again. Someone walked up towards me and gave me a big hug. I thought they were being nice because they saw how hard it was on me, and then he grabbed my butt. So I stood there, and then pushed him away, and asked if there was anything else. No one said anything. My family started to clear and pack into the car. And I sat back down on the step. Sobbing.... taken..... and used.

The girl who had taken my hair came to me and she had tears rolling down her cheek. She asked me "Did you write this?" and showed me a letter I had written a few days ago to her and it told her how grateful I was to have her in my life, and that having her in my life made things different and better for me. I told her how I appreciated her friendship and hoped we kept being this close forever. She said no one had ever wrote something like this before.

And then I woke up.

So did I give these things? Or were they taken?

I think that I offered, in order to save my family. But I expected them to respond in a way that made them realize how great of a person I was for sacrificing myself. When I didn't receive that kind of reaction I was disappointed. Then later that girl came up and felt bad for taking my lock of hair. She came to me at her own time. And though she couldn't respond the way I wanted, she did appreciate me for the letter. Something entirely different then the lock of hair situation.

Confused about boundaries!

I am realizing that I attract friendships that are somewhat toxic. I wondered so many times, "Why in the world is this happening to me.", and then it would happen again, and again. And so here I am AGAIN! I am finding that a friendship is toxic. I am not sure how it becomes this way, but it does. Is it the person I pick and that we are a poor match? Do I create toxicity with in my own brain (more likely then not), or is the for the simple reason of not having boundaries? I always thought that the best deepest friendships had no limits, and no boundaries. That lives intermingled in one smooth flow. It certainly does not. I will tell you that! I have had several very deep relationships and they were not smooth flowing.

So where do the issues form? Where are the roots? I can't dig them out and replant if I don't know whats wrong. Is it the soil? The water, not enough or too much? I am so confused it's impossible to see a pathway out right now. So for now I decided to sit tight, and let things ride out. I'd really not like to loose this friendship, but I feel like it's in the hot seat for now. It makes me sad. It terrifies me in ways I can not even explain. Loosing a friendship for me is like a Vet, having to reenter war in Viet Nam. Thats seriously how painful it is for me. The first friendship I had was like loosing part of myself. As if someone cut my Siamese twin off my own body with out any anesthetics or pain reliever. It hurt, it nearly killed me. I can still cry today if I let myself think about it. On the positive note, I know the loss had to happen. The friendship simply could not continue the way it was going and neither of us were able to change. It wasn't that we didn't want to, we just couldn't.

So here I am trying to detox my friendship, and I find that as soon as I draw this boundary or invisible line, the person flips out. I feel sometimes like they also cross the line and become hurtful, then when I call them out on it, they pretend that I am being, "to sensitive". I don't know how I could be too sensitive on this subject, because anyone would find these things hurtful. I know I am not over-reacting.

So how to set up boundaries? That is the question. Where do I put the line? Where do I put up the wall and where do I put up the land mines? Seriously?? What the heck do I do with my chalk? I've got the pavement laid out, but I have no idea where to put my boundaries. All I know is that I need to work on myself, I need to be healthy myself inside and out. And I can not be worried about someone else or even what someone else is thinking. All I need to do is focus on myself. What makes me feel good mentally and physically.

Right now I am working on my quality of life.

As for this friendship, perhaps I will talk to her about things and see what her side is looking like, cause from my point of view it's all crooked.

Think happy thoughts for me, because it's like having to open the closet door when you know that Freddie Crougar is on the other side!