Kitchen Scratchatory

To this day, I can't seem to say Chicken Catchatori. You know the recipe, with tomato sauce, deliciously seasoned with herbs and over a bed of rice perhaps? Anyways, I find it oddly funny that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to say it, it always comes out Kitchen and what ever happens to come out and be mangled after that.

So today, I am making Kitchen Scratchatory. We opened a bottle of Zin from a winery down the road and I have Billi Holiday playing  in the background. Awesome! I can't think of a better way to wind down and let everything all go.

I feel like this part of my life is called, "Starting Over". It fits so well because I am emotionally taking down those mental boxes I've packed away and I am finally going through them. Granted it will take me a long time to finish, but I am pleased to be making progress. Also, physically in my backyard we took out all the old dirt in my planter/garden retaining wall which consisted of mainly shale and clay and finally replacing it with beautiful home made compost from a friend with a farm. It is this beautiful dark brown almost black in color. It will sit for another month in and a half and settle and finish doing what it needs to do. Then the heirloom tomatos will be planted.

I can not express enough my love for homegrown heirloom tomatos. They are heaven!

Anyways, today I feel great. I feel like my meds are working wonderfully and finally I can feel the effects. I also have been working physically to exert myself and burn off some of that wasted energy. That in itself makes me feel better. I just want to be consistent in that area. On top of it all, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself. I feel like the past year has really taught me a lot about who I am, and what I am capable off. The self control that I have is immense, despite the fact that I feel like I might blow like a volcano, I never do. Simple as that, though my body is flipping out inside at times, I seem to keep myself from going over the edge of sanity. Keep in mind I might be very upset I just seems to have a slight grip on reality that keeps me grounded and coming back to earth. I guess I feel empowered to know what I am capable of. Though I am not capable of some things, I am capable of some. I do have some talents and abilities. I hope that they can grow.

So....I feel great. Doing great today and hoping this new sense of empowerment sticks around.

Emotional Transplant

Sometimes I have an emotion that overwhelms me that I have no idea where it came from. I feel like it is foreign to my own body. I feel as it it is a transplanted emotion. I certainly did not grow up learning this emotion, but never the less it exists inside my body. Sometimes the emotion or feeling is so intense my skin can barely handle it. It feels as if my skin is going to crack open and emotions will ooze out.

Right now, I feel Anger. Anger is the only thing I feel. My eyes seem to only see red, and I am so angry that I feel like I might even pass out. I have physical pain in my chest where my heart is located, but how is it possible to even have a "heart", when you feel so angry? I feel the black and red pumping like oil through my veins poisoning the flourishing grown it touches.

It really bothers me to feel these things. To be so angry I feel out of control. I feel helpless in my own body and mind. It feels as if it's not even my own body. Foreign and alien.

There are also the good emotions that come and go like all the others. For example, I could be driving down the road, and for no apparent reason everything in the entire world is "Right". For that moment in time, there is no hunger. There is no sadness. There is only glorious happiness. Utopia and uphoria. A place of extacy in the mind and soul when you know you are right were you are supposed to be and doing exactly what you are ment to be. Sometimes the colors in the world are even brighter, and more brilliant. Smells can be more crisp and clean, and in the spring time you can almost smell the moisture in the grass. Of course this sounds good. Sure, I wish I could life in this constant state of mania my entire life. But it's not reality. This is not real life, and I really don't want to be living a lie.

So the doctors give me medication. They try to keep the lows from going to low, and the highs from going to high. This leaves me with stability, and bord out of my mind. I have to look at it this way, less people get hurt in my path of emotional destruction. I wish I could just eliminate the horrible lows, and spend a little more time in the highs. If only I could dial ind tailor the emotions to make it a perfect eco environment for my little soul. How pleasent that would be.

Meanwhile my insides are screaming for help, and no one is around to help. I want to cry, scream, and break down all at once. But as society has taught me, that is not acceptable. Even though I am in dire need for someone to just talk to, and more importantly listen to their voice. I am forced to hold it all inside. God forbid that I actually ask for help. God forbid I show weakness. You just simply are not allowed to get "out of control". It's uncomfortable for others if you show that kind of depth and emotions. They don't want to be bothered, and the honest truth is that it disturbs them. Well holy hell, it disturbs me too. Welcome to the Bipolar tour! To the left is Anger, to the right you will see depression. Notice the desperation and despair there. And if you glance ahead, you may even see euphoria.

Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoyed your visit. Please come again soon.

Meanwhile, I will stay here and drown in emotions that I didn't even know I had.