Volume Muted

I feel as though I am going through my days and life with the volume turned down. I thought perhaps I was faking it, but when I really get down to thinking about it... it's me but the volume is so muted that I can hardly recognize who I am on the outside verses who I am on the inside. They do not match up.

What is hard, is that I feel that if I showed people my full volume amplified to it's true setting, they would run for the hills screaming in fear. Thinking drama would surely follow. When in fact that's not always the case. Sometimes it is, if you think emotional disturbance is drama.

It's as if I am confined, like a bird in it's cage to live a life with in what is considered "normal" by others, when there is a whole different world out there brilliant, bright and sometimes even beautiful.

My soul is run by my emotions. My actions follow my emotions. I can not stop that. It's ingrained into me. It's how I function on a cellular level. Denying that is like not being true to myself. But society tells me that if I do everything I desire to through my emotions that I am exiled. Even know I fear posting this as it's shows and reveals too much of myself. It's going too deep. Too far considered by "others".

I have no idea where I got this from. Where I learned it, who knows. But I have this innate sense to be accepted by others in society. When someone doesn't like me or shys away from me, I have this desire to push for them to like me even harder and in turn pushes then away even further. I need to allow myself to let go of those people. Everyone has the right to "not like me" or.. to not be around me. Or have who ever they want in their lives and avoid people who they do not want.

They say all this is a gift.... but it really makes me feel like. I'm not in control of myself. I feel completely out of control. For years.... a decade in fact I've been trying to stay in control and in the box that the world created for me. But the problem is it makes me feel fake and "not real.". I've gotten to the point now... where I am trying to control my external world to help me control my inner world. For example, if I control my husband and tell him to pick up and move his shoes, it causes me less stress to have the shoes put in their place. Or I know exactly where my hair brush belongs. And when it's moved out of place, panic sets in, because it's one more thing I have to think of and put effort into figuring out where I put it last. I keep a regimented lifestyle. It causes me the least stress possible. But I am realizing and getting to a point where I can not control the external and I am only getting disappointed by the results of failed control of my world around me. So THAT folks, tells me I need to figure out myself. I can only be in control of myself .... nothing or no one else but myself. I need to reach a place where I am running my emotions and my emotions are not running me. However, that sounds so...... foreign to me. It sounds impossible....

How am I supposed to change who I've been for so long. And what is even more complex is maybe this is why I haven't reached true happiness and joy. But does that even exist. People act like they have attained it. But I have doubts. I wonder if they are faking it too.. or.... volume is turned up instead of down. I have no idea.

I am nearing 30 now., and I still feel like I don't know what this world is all about. And even worse, I don't know what I am all about.  I'm panicking thinking I am almost 30 and I should have my shit together.And in some ways I am no better then when I was 22 then I am now. In other ways I think I've learned a lot. It's just not enough is all.

Sometimes faking it leads to feeling it

I can not remember if the depression comes at the same time of the year, but this year it has come during the holidays. Which makes everything harder.

This time, is the first time that I am feeling physical pain in my body from the depression. Usually there is an immense amount of discomfort in my chest, pressure, pain, wrenching. But this time not only do I have the chest pain, but this body ache. Like the flu but with no flu. It reminds me of that medication commercial for depression. They say...."depression hurts"... hell yes it does! I wake up with back pain and my shoulders hurt. I guess it's just where I am carrying my stress, and my muscles are telling me I've had enough.

This depression has been about two weeks coming. Negative thoughts, attitude, general bad mood. Then the straw that broke the camel's back finally sent me into a downward spiral. To tell you the truth, I am terrified. These feelings terrify me. I am so scared that things will get worse. I am very fearful of feeling these feelings, and I am sure that this does not help in the healing and recovery process.

I constantly question if these are normal sadness feelings that "normal" people would have. That is the worst part of this illness.... I have to question my own emotions and feelings. Wondering if they are my own, or my Illness's. Doctor says.... they are my own, only amplified. Humm.. I am not sure I believe that. I have some very dark thoughts and feelings sometimes. How could they be my own? Where did they come from when I was raised in a loving home? Anyways, Doctor says there are many red flags this is not a "normal people sadness"

Here are some red flags, in case you are wondering yourself.
-Loss of appetite
-Loss of willingness to take care of yourself eg; hygiene, diet, and other kinds of care.
-Lack of facial emotion (absence of emotion) I constantly feel like I am "faking" my facial emotion. It's forced. It's a mask you learn to put on for everyone else, so they dont' realize something's wrong with you. Or your different from them. It's a skill learned by those who suffer from depression. It's not a lie, but  a way of coping.
-Anxiety
-Tearful (crying at the drop of a hat or for me it's cancer commercials or those sad animal abuse commercials)


That's just a handful of what I am dealing with at the moment. None of which are fun. One thing I always remind myself of is that "This too shall pass". This will go away. I just have to ride it out. Sometimes with help of medication. Either way, force yourself to get out there and do the things you need to do in order to get well. Sometimes faking it.. leads to feeling it.

No matter how badly you want to. Do NOT be alone with your illness. Do NOT go inside yourself and withdrawl. Force yourself to walk among the living, so that some day, you may become the living again.

What has Bipolar Give You?

I had to stop and think about this question when my new Psychiatrist asked this to me. I have only thought about what it has taken from me. I dwell on what I have lost from this illness, and I let go what it gave me. I vaguely remember the creativity it gave me when I was younger and not medicated, but after medication, the creativity is basically nill to none. So when he asked me that, I sat there with my jaw open dumb founded. I couldn't think of one thing. Then he perked up and said, "Well most people with bipolar disorder are very creative"... and it sparked my memory of my creative years and how I used to draw and spend time being productive with art and poetry and thinking. Now I think, but it is self destructive and counter intuitive. It doesn't produce growth in such a way that makes a human move forward in life, but only stalls them and makes then tred   water. It seems that since I have been on medication not only have I lost interest in creative ideas, but the creative thoughts have disappeared. It's hard to make them reappear. You can't force creativity. But then again, I haven't given them a chance either. I haven't sat down and allowed them to come through. I used to draw animals I loved and animals that were close to me. I now have a dog, who I love dearly, and I have yet to even TRY to draw him. Partly because I am afraid that I won't make it look enough like him and I will be frusterated, and partly because I just don't think i could do it. But whats the harm in trying. And if I try long enough I could get good enough at it that I could make it look like him. I just need to work at it. Not like I don't have enough time on my hands. Right?

But it really has got me thinking about the positive things Bipolar has given me. I think partly it has given me a higher sense of myself. And a higher awareness of other people's feelings and my own feelings. The world around me is heightened for me and more brilliant. Even on medications. Some days it is dull, but other days is it bright. I love those days. Even though they may be short bouts, I still enjoy them. Medication takes it away but I still get them. It makes them fewer and farther between, but also the depression is fewer and farther between and I am thankful for that, and if the mania and euphoria has to go away too, I will accept that. But I believe I am more aware of the world around me and the people in it. I an constantly thinking and connecting deep thoughts and complex emotions and feelings and thought processes to one another. Sometimes I think I make too much of a simple thought. It's hard to explain. And even in this simple explanation of this paragraph I feel it's a complex thought, that I can't even fully explain to you. It's in my head, but I can't fully explain it to my satisfaction. I wish I had a better example. This really is a beautiful thing I have inside my mind I would like to share.

So what has your mental illness given you? I'm curious. What positive thing has it brought you in your life?

Ultimate Sacrafice

It's the ultimate sacrifice I can make for my possible child, is to not have children. 

How ironic, how devastatingly sad.

Cold Harsh Reality

I've been thinking about babies lately. It's been overwhelming my thoughts. I want one, but I'm afraid of the  choices I would have to make, both about my illness, and about the baby. I'm terrified of being off my medications, and it's becoming clear to me that I would have to sacrifice my medications to get pregnant and ensure giving birth to a healthy child. There is so much uncertainty to how I would handle this that it scares me. There are also other ways to treat my illness like acupuncture and natural methods of the sorts, but to be honest, I am also afraid of my child turning the ripe age of 18 and finding out they have a mental disorder like myself as well. It would break my heart watching them go through what I went through.

I've been tearful, and crying up at the sight of pregnant woman, and babies. Not really understanding why I've been so emotional about it. However, as I have been really thinking about it today, I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps I should realize that having a baby for me is not the best choice. For me, and for my possible child. It wrecks me inside to think that my illness has taken yet another thing precious to me. And I think that is what is making me so sad. The realization that I can't have children, or shouldn't. And if I did, it would be a poor choice. It just wrenches me to the soul.

Today I am left empty, now my illness has taken potentially the most important thing from my life. A child. A beautiful baby, that would have my eyes and nose. Taken from me and never to be seen.

I prayed last night for God to make the decision for me because I was having trouble making the decision for myself. Perhaps make me infertile, or make my body sick in such a way that would make me impossible to have kids. I wanted him to make the decision for me, so that I wouldn't have to. I would be ok with that. I would be ok if God blatantly told me I could not have children. I would be at peace with that. But to have the option to enhance my family with a baby, and for me to have to make that difficult heart wrenching choice on my own, I am not sure I can. I know that may sound sick, me wishing for something wrong with my body so that I can't have children. But it would take the burden off me. Make it easier.

After talking to my mom about this.... I think I know the answer, but God is not making it for me. He's forcing me to make it. I am asking for a sign, and though there hasn't been one, I think my choice is made up. Perhaps I'll change my mind later. But the COLD HARD FACT... is that I should not have children. Both for my sake, and the possible baby's sake.

This just makes me so sad.... I wish someone could understand what I am going through. To have this illness rob you of everything so precious and dear to you. It never stops, it's always hungry. It takes everything from me.

Gossip

I feel like I have been creating a gossiping environment. Like I said in my past blog I have made new friends. I feel like I set up open doors to create gossip. Also, with old friend and new situations I feel like the gossip has spread to other older relationships. I know it's me. I know I am creating this type of environment. And I honestly can not keep up with it. I feel like it's a tangled web I am weaving and it's time to unravel the chaos now before it gets too sticky.

Partly because I get paranoid that people are talking about me, or trying to turn my friends against me. Sometimes I worry that someone just is getting sick of gossiping with me. I basically fear that if I don't stop now I could end up harming relationships. Time to put myself in check! Let me just add that the gossip I am dealing is not horrible bad stuff. But it is enough to cause chaos. Any gossip is poison. It just creeps along and then suddenly it will strike you down. It's like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

Knowing that I need to diffuse it all. I simply can not keep up this type of environment for myself.