Sometimes faking it leads to feeling it

I can not remember if the depression comes at the same time of the year, but this year it has come during the holidays. Which makes everything harder.

This time, is the first time that I am feeling physical pain in my body from the depression. Usually there is an immense amount of discomfort in my chest, pressure, pain, wrenching. But this time not only do I have the chest pain, but this body ache. Like the flu but with no flu. It reminds me of that medication commercial for depression. They say...."depression hurts"... hell yes it does! I wake up with back pain and my shoulders hurt. I guess it's just where I am carrying my stress, and my muscles are telling me I've had enough.

This depression has been about two weeks coming. Negative thoughts, attitude, general bad mood. Then the straw that broke the camel's back finally sent me into a downward spiral. To tell you the truth, I am terrified. These feelings terrify me. I am so scared that things will get worse. I am very fearful of feeling these feelings, and I am sure that this does not help in the healing and recovery process.

I constantly question if these are normal sadness feelings that "normal" people would have. That is the worst part of this illness.... I have to question my own emotions and feelings. Wondering if they are my own, or my Illness's. Doctor says.... they are my own, only amplified. Humm.. I am not sure I believe that. I have some very dark thoughts and feelings sometimes. How could they be my own? Where did they come from when I was raised in a loving home? Anyways, Doctor says there are many red flags this is not a "normal people sadness"

Here are some red flags, in case you are wondering yourself.
-Loss of appetite
-Loss of willingness to take care of yourself eg; hygiene, diet, and other kinds of care.
-Lack of facial emotion (absence of emotion) I constantly feel like I am "faking" my facial emotion. It's forced. It's a mask you learn to put on for everyone else, so they dont' realize something's wrong with you. Or your different from them. It's a skill learned by those who suffer from depression. It's not a lie, but  a way of coping.
-Anxiety
-Tearful (crying at the drop of a hat or for me it's cancer commercials or those sad animal abuse commercials)


That's just a handful of what I am dealing with at the moment. None of which are fun. One thing I always remind myself of is that "This too shall pass". This will go away. I just have to ride it out. Sometimes with help of medication. Either way, force yourself to get out there and do the things you need to do in order to get well. Sometimes faking it.. leads to feeling it.

No matter how badly you want to. Do NOT be alone with your illness. Do NOT go inside yourself and withdrawl. Force yourself to walk among the living, so that some day, you may become the living again.