Volume Muted

I feel as though I am going through my days and life with the volume turned down. I thought perhaps I was faking it, but when I really get down to thinking about it... it's me but the volume is so muted that I can hardly recognize who I am on the outside verses who I am on the inside. They do not match up.

What is hard, is that I feel that if I showed people my full volume amplified to it's true setting, they would run for the hills screaming in fear. Thinking drama would surely follow. When in fact that's not always the case. Sometimes it is, if you think emotional disturbance is drama.

It's as if I am confined, like a bird in it's cage to live a life with in what is considered "normal" by others, when there is a whole different world out there brilliant, bright and sometimes even beautiful.

My soul is run by my emotions. My actions follow my emotions. I can not stop that. It's ingrained into me. It's how I function on a cellular level. Denying that is like not being true to myself. But society tells me that if I do everything I desire to through my emotions that I am exiled. Even know I fear posting this as it's shows and reveals too much of myself. It's going too deep. Too far considered by "others".

I have no idea where I got this from. Where I learned it, who knows. But I have this innate sense to be accepted by others in society. When someone doesn't like me or shys away from me, I have this desire to push for them to like me even harder and in turn pushes then away even further. I need to allow myself to let go of those people. Everyone has the right to "not like me" or.. to not be around me. Or have who ever they want in their lives and avoid people who they do not want.

They say all this is a gift.... but it really makes me feel like. I'm not in control of myself. I feel completely out of control. For years.... a decade in fact I've been trying to stay in control and in the box that the world created for me. But the problem is it makes me feel fake and "not real.". I've gotten to the point now... where I am trying to control my external world to help me control my inner world. For example, if I control my husband and tell him to pick up and move his shoes, it causes me less stress to have the shoes put in their place. Or I know exactly where my hair brush belongs. And when it's moved out of place, panic sets in, because it's one more thing I have to think of and put effort into figuring out where I put it last. I keep a regimented lifestyle. It causes me the least stress possible. But I am realizing and getting to a point where I can not control the external and I am only getting disappointed by the results of failed control of my world around me. So THAT folks, tells me I need to figure out myself. I can only be in control of myself .... nothing or no one else but myself. I need to reach a place where I am running my emotions and my emotions are not running me. However, that sounds so...... foreign to me. It sounds impossible....

How am I supposed to change who I've been for so long. And what is even more complex is maybe this is why I haven't reached true happiness and joy. But does that even exist. People act like they have attained it. But I have doubts. I wonder if they are faking it too.. or.... volume is turned up instead of down. I have no idea.

I am nearing 30 now., and I still feel like I don't know what this world is all about. And even worse, I don't know what I am all about.  I'm panicking thinking I am almost 30 and I should have my shit together.And in some ways I am no better then when I was 22 then I am now. In other ways I think I've learned a lot. It's just not enough is all.