Sometimes faking it leads to feeling it

I can not remember if the depression comes at the same time of the year, but this year it has come during the holidays. Which makes everything harder.

This time, is the first time that I am feeling physical pain in my body from the depression. Usually there is an immense amount of discomfort in my chest, pressure, pain, wrenching. But this time not only do I have the chest pain, but this body ache. Like the flu but with no flu. It reminds me of that medication commercial for depression. They say...."depression hurts"... hell yes it does! I wake up with back pain and my shoulders hurt. I guess it's just where I am carrying my stress, and my muscles are telling me I've had enough.

This depression has been about two weeks coming. Negative thoughts, attitude, general bad mood. Then the straw that broke the camel's back finally sent me into a downward spiral. To tell you the truth, I am terrified. These feelings terrify me. I am so scared that things will get worse. I am very fearful of feeling these feelings, and I am sure that this does not help in the healing and recovery process.

I constantly question if these are normal sadness feelings that "normal" people would have. That is the worst part of this illness.... I have to question my own emotions and feelings. Wondering if they are my own, or my Illness's. Doctor says.... they are my own, only amplified. Humm.. I am not sure I believe that. I have some very dark thoughts and feelings sometimes. How could they be my own? Where did they come from when I was raised in a loving home? Anyways, Doctor says there are many red flags this is not a "normal people sadness"

Here are some red flags, in case you are wondering yourself.
-Loss of appetite
-Loss of willingness to take care of yourself eg; hygiene, diet, and other kinds of care.
-Lack of facial emotion (absence of emotion) I constantly feel like I am "faking" my facial emotion. It's forced. It's a mask you learn to put on for everyone else, so they dont' realize something's wrong with you. Or your different from them. It's a skill learned by those who suffer from depression. It's not a lie, but  a way of coping.
-Anxiety
-Tearful (crying at the drop of a hat or for me it's cancer commercials or those sad animal abuse commercials)


That's just a handful of what I am dealing with at the moment. None of which are fun. One thing I always remind myself of is that "This too shall pass". This will go away. I just have to ride it out. Sometimes with help of medication. Either way, force yourself to get out there and do the things you need to do in order to get well. Sometimes faking it.. leads to feeling it.

No matter how badly you want to. Do NOT be alone with your illness. Do NOT go inside yourself and withdrawl. Force yourself to walk among the living, so that some day, you may become the living again.

What has Bipolar Give You?

I had to stop and think about this question when my new Psychiatrist asked this to me. I have only thought about what it has taken from me. I dwell on what I have lost from this illness, and I let go what it gave me. I vaguely remember the creativity it gave me when I was younger and not medicated, but after medication, the creativity is basically nill to none. So when he asked me that, I sat there with my jaw open dumb founded. I couldn't think of one thing. Then he perked up and said, "Well most people with bipolar disorder are very creative"... and it sparked my memory of my creative years and how I used to draw and spend time being productive with art and poetry and thinking. Now I think, but it is self destructive and counter intuitive. It doesn't produce growth in such a way that makes a human move forward in life, but only stalls them and makes then tred   water. It seems that since I have been on medication not only have I lost interest in creative ideas, but the creative thoughts have disappeared. It's hard to make them reappear. You can't force creativity. But then again, I haven't given them a chance either. I haven't sat down and allowed them to come through. I used to draw animals I loved and animals that were close to me. I now have a dog, who I love dearly, and I have yet to even TRY to draw him. Partly because I am afraid that I won't make it look enough like him and I will be frusterated, and partly because I just don't think i could do it. But whats the harm in trying. And if I try long enough I could get good enough at it that I could make it look like him. I just need to work at it. Not like I don't have enough time on my hands. Right?

But it really has got me thinking about the positive things Bipolar has given me. I think partly it has given me a higher sense of myself. And a higher awareness of other people's feelings and my own feelings. The world around me is heightened for me and more brilliant. Even on medications. Some days it is dull, but other days is it bright. I love those days. Even though they may be short bouts, I still enjoy them. Medication takes it away but I still get them. It makes them fewer and farther between, but also the depression is fewer and farther between and I am thankful for that, and if the mania and euphoria has to go away too, I will accept that. But I believe I am more aware of the world around me and the people in it. I an constantly thinking and connecting deep thoughts and complex emotions and feelings and thought processes to one another. Sometimes I think I make too much of a simple thought. It's hard to explain. And even in this simple explanation of this paragraph I feel it's a complex thought, that I can't even fully explain to you. It's in my head, but I can't fully explain it to my satisfaction. I wish I had a better example. This really is a beautiful thing I have inside my mind I would like to share.

So what has your mental illness given you? I'm curious. What positive thing has it brought you in your life?

Ultimate Sacrafice

It's the ultimate sacrifice I can make for my possible child, is to not have children. 

How ironic, how devastatingly sad.

Cold Harsh Reality

I've been thinking about babies lately. It's been overwhelming my thoughts. I want one, but I'm afraid of the  choices I would have to make, both about my illness, and about the baby. I'm terrified of being off my medications, and it's becoming clear to me that I would have to sacrifice my medications to get pregnant and ensure giving birth to a healthy child. There is so much uncertainty to how I would handle this that it scares me. There are also other ways to treat my illness like acupuncture and natural methods of the sorts, but to be honest, I am also afraid of my child turning the ripe age of 18 and finding out they have a mental disorder like myself as well. It would break my heart watching them go through what I went through.

I've been tearful, and crying up at the sight of pregnant woman, and babies. Not really understanding why I've been so emotional about it. However, as I have been really thinking about it today, I am coming to the conclusion that perhaps I should realize that having a baby for me is not the best choice. For me, and for my possible child. It wrecks me inside to think that my illness has taken yet another thing precious to me. And I think that is what is making me so sad. The realization that I can't have children, or shouldn't. And if I did, it would be a poor choice. It just wrenches me to the soul.

Today I am left empty, now my illness has taken potentially the most important thing from my life. A child. A beautiful baby, that would have my eyes and nose. Taken from me and never to be seen.

I prayed last night for God to make the decision for me because I was having trouble making the decision for myself. Perhaps make me infertile, or make my body sick in such a way that would make me impossible to have kids. I wanted him to make the decision for me, so that I wouldn't have to. I would be ok with that. I would be ok if God blatantly told me I could not have children. I would be at peace with that. But to have the option to enhance my family with a baby, and for me to have to make that difficult heart wrenching choice on my own, I am not sure I can. I know that may sound sick, me wishing for something wrong with my body so that I can't have children. But it would take the burden off me. Make it easier.

After talking to my mom about this.... I think I know the answer, but God is not making it for me. He's forcing me to make it. I am asking for a sign, and though there hasn't been one, I think my choice is made up. Perhaps I'll change my mind later. But the COLD HARD FACT... is that I should not have children. Both for my sake, and the possible baby's sake.

This just makes me so sad.... I wish someone could understand what I am going through. To have this illness rob you of everything so precious and dear to you. It never stops, it's always hungry. It takes everything from me.

Gossip

I feel like I have been creating a gossiping environment. Like I said in my past blog I have made new friends. I feel like I set up open doors to create gossip. Also, with old friend and new situations I feel like the gossip has spread to other older relationships. I know it's me. I know I am creating this type of environment. And I honestly can not keep up with it. I feel like it's a tangled web I am weaving and it's time to unravel the chaos now before it gets too sticky.

Partly because I get paranoid that people are talking about me, or trying to turn my friends against me. Sometimes I worry that someone just is getting sick of gossiping with me. I basically fear that if I don't stop now I could end up harming relationships. Time to put myself in check! Let me just add that the gossip I am dealing is not horrible bad stuff. But it is enough to cause chaos. Any gossip is poison. It just creeps along and then suddenly it will strike you down. It's like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

Knowing that I need to diffuse it all. I simply can not keep up this type of environment for myself.

What a difference a day makes

Well, I'd like to hope everything is all better with some sleep. Well most of it is anyways. Still have the anxiety in the background, but I feel more stable then I did last night. I realize that I am cycling. I don't enjoy it at all. It's exhausting. I spent some time with some girlfriends today and I think that helped get my mind of my internal feelings. However, sometimes I feel like I am, "faking it" what ever it is that I am faking. Life maybe? Putting on a happy face when I feel icky inside? I am not entirely sure, but it doesn't feel authentic sometimes.

I've totally lost track with where I was going with this blog post.

Lets touch on the authentic bit. I strive to be authentic as a person. What you see is what you get. But when I am not doing as well as I would like, I have learned that it's best to "fake it". Put on a mask and go through the motions. You can not sit at home and stare at the walls feeling sorry for yourself. You have to get up get dressed and go outside even if it's to the post office or grocery store. Unfortunately you have to practice at being healthy minded. And it is exactly that Practice. What I don't like most about..."faking it" is that I feel like I am not being authentic to my friends, family, and who ever I am dealing with that day. Except do they really want to hear, "Ya I feel crappy today, just like yesterday and the day before.". It gets old real fast. Lets see how many friends you keep while doing and acting like that?..... so there is my delema. Do they want the real you?? The brutally honest you?. Or should they see the best you that you can manage today and in that moment? I have to tell you that sometimes I slip, and vent to friends about something. Sometimes I get a little "too emotional." about things and get carried away. I then realize I've overstepped. I've gone to far. And once you've gone to far, it's hard to come back.

Well, anyways, my point being I felt better in the morning after a good nights rest. And I went about my day. But now I am feeling scatter brained and even as I type this post I feel like I keep touching on all these different topics. Not really tackling one problem.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Wow, it's been a while!

Firsts things first. I've been doing fantastic. I've never been so stable for so long. It's a blessing and it was a much needed break from all the emotional roller coasters that life brings when having a mental disorder. And I am once again realizing that nothing stays the same, and everything is meant to come to an end. After months of stability, that you can see from my non-posting or blogging, I am dealing with some unreasonable anxiety. I don't yet know the source and I've been putting up with it for about a month and a half. So, I'm realizing that this isn't something that will pass. That it probably is medication. I've learned that when you have an emotion that can not be explained away then it is most likely the illness coming through. It's so hard to tell. It's just so complicated. You are left to second guess your own emotions. Something that is you, and is owned by only you. People can not help you deciphering your emotions. You are all alone when it comes to this. It's your decisions on how you want to interpret your emotions. People such as Doctors, family and friends can only assist you and ask you questions and try to help you through them. But when it comes down to it, it is on your shoulders to figure out what your feeling. This has been the most difficult task of all.

Let me return to what I am feeling. I've had some daily anxiety, and what I mean by anxiety is worry, and muscle tention and contracts such as my hands making fists, thoughts of bad things happening such as a car wreck, night mares, difficulty sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to get back to sleep, fast talking and not being able to keep up with my thoughts when I talk, and I wake up feeling anxious- It lasts all day long.

So considering I've handled this for a month and a half. With only the last week getting to the point of trouble dealing with it. I've done a great job coping. I didn't jump to conclusions and up my dosage on my meds, or call my doctor and freak out and break down in worry. I waited it out and handled it until I felt I needed more help. Even as I read back my description of how I am feeling. It says classic biploar symptoms. Even I can see that. So, I'll give my doctor a call tomorrow and see if I can up my dosage.

Another thing. I've met new friends. I know that sounds funny, and childish, but it's so good for me. I've been honest and open about my illness, and they are accepting me and all of my glory. They are healthy relationship and I find great comfort in the companionship they offer. I can only hope that I bring something to the table for them. I certainly hope it's not one sided.

With making new friends, I find the need to be open about my illness, because I have certain quarks about me that may seem weird sometimes. Even though it explains my problems, it helps them understand where I am coming from. However, when I disclosed this information to a certain friend I didn't realize that I frightened her. She told me tonight that when I first told her I was bipolar that she was scared of me. A mutual friend told her that I had depression and sometimes gets paranoid of friends. I understand why she shared the information about me to this friend. She was trying to help her get to know me. But she said... that she was scared of me because she was worried that if I got mad at her I would say bad things about her. Or perhaps stock her, or basically be nutzo and go crazy. We talked about the stigma that is still thriving in this world and community. How that even now, in 2011 people are still afraid of people with mental illness. I explained to her that my illness did not cause problems to others, that mostly being biploar causes internal issues and everything is drawn inward. Unfortunately there are some people who when you become involved with biploar people, you can stand in the way of the illness, and sometimes can be a victim of it as well. For example. Husbands may suffer because their spouse is not present in life or their relationship. Children suffer sometimes because their mom or dad is going through a down spell of depression and are less active in their children's lives. Friends pull away from friends in order to be alone with their illness. Yes, there are victims of biploar. But the BIGGEST victim of all is the one suffering from Biploar disorder themselves. Knowing my own self... and knowing other people. Most likely the majority of those who are suffering and challenged with bipolar would never hurt a fly. But would harm themselves if given the proper reasons, and chance to do so.

I have always wanted to educate people about mental illness, but have never felt strong enough to do so. But today I felt like I did my part. She obviously trusted me enough to talk about her fears about me with me. And I certainly hope I put some to rest. But it doesn't also take away the fact that I'm hurt that I still scare people with my illness. Just when you think it won't bother people anymore because it's now 2011 and people are more educated someone like Charlie Sheen comes to into the social media spotlight and freak people out again about us.

What is a girl supposed to do? When all the general population hears about bipolar and mental illness is in the news where a Mother drove a car into the river with her 2 small children. Or. Some young adult started a fire in a local mall and burned it down...... all because they were mentally ill.

How do we overcome such stigmas. When they only show the absolute worse of it? Those that are so far gone, and those that did not receive help and medical, that now they have resorted to insanity? I feel like I am fighting the world. And it's an overwhelming impossible fight. And how can I fight the world, when I can barely manage to fight my own fight within myself? Who will be strong enough to fight the world with me?

I will try to keep up again, I know it's been to long with my blog posts. I  hope you haven't forgotten about me as I have not forgotten about you.