What does it mean to have Anxiety?

My homework for counseling this week was to think about anxiety, and what it means to me to have it. I only started to think about it last night, and I have to divulge that I feel overwhelmed even thinking about it. It's a feeling I know well, but why and where it comes from is a complete mystery to me. I think so many things can be a factor that I never bothered to think about where it stems from. It's too big of a thought. It's almost like asking myself where existence came from and discussing God in length. Sometimes it just hurts your brain. I know what I believe about God, but to actually try and "figure" God out, is a complete waste of time because I feel like we'll never touch even a fraction of what He is and can do. Thats how I feel about anxiety.

So know, here I am trying to figure out where anxiety comes from and I feel stumped.

I decided to start with the physical and biological feelings I get when I know "anxiety" is with me.

Feelings:

• Tensed up
• Heart tight and pounding hard
• A sense of dizziness in my chest
• A clamy feeling all over or heat wave all over
• Racing thoughts
• Heart fluttering
• Stomach uneasy
• Mixed emotions - Anger, Sadness, Worry.

What makes me anxious?

-Being in the presents of someone or people who think ill of me.

How do I know they don't like me?

-I don't know for sure. But I "feel it" or "sense" it. Sometimes I am wrong, Actually I am wrong a lot of the times.

Why am I anxious about being around someone who doesn't like me?

-I'm afraid of rejection. I want to run if I am feeling rejected. So I can leave them first before they leave me. I can stay in control, and minimize the pain I feel from loosing the person. I never hardly ever let them form their own opinion. I seem to taint it and skew it so that they end up really not liking me and then in the end rejecting me. I seem to impose these feelings on people.

Do I always leave?

-No. I've been able to keep some relationships going. But the other person has to be committed to standing by me through thick and thin. They have to know that I really am a good person and to stick with me when things get confusing for me. I seem to test them. To see if they really will stay. As if they  have to pass a test. I make the air so uncomfortable that I assume they feel the comfortableness too, eventually leaving me because of the weirdness.

So maybe I create my own anxiety. And if I create my own anxiety, is it possible I can stop it? Can I also stop my relationship problems and confusions? Do I really hold my own key to get out of this vicious cycle or hurt and loss? 

Well.... I am going to leave this for now. It's been a big exploration for me. I think I need to think about some of this.

Diary of a Schizophrenic

I was diagnosed early on to have Schizo affective disorder, and thankfully later on in life I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From what I learned Schizo affective only got much much worse. Like every mental illness they all eventually go further down hill. The hope for a full recovery is so distant. I feel like bipolar is a slightly less diagnosis. But can be just as debilitating. Anyways, when I admitted myself to the Psych Hospital, I kept a journal. I started it just before I went in, and kept it up while I was in there. Here is an entry.
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Diary of a Schizophrenic:

10/21/01
I had yet another episode last night, called my mother and decided I can't do this anymore. I felt like I have not slept. Only 3 hours though. Woke up and couldn't stay put because I would wake my friend who came home to take care of me and help me. The voices continued all night. It was the sound of a party, large, many people talking, no music, just a huge room with many mumblings and conversations. They wouldn't let me hear. As if conspiring to take me over.

Here I am (in the hospital) in my own room inside my, "mental retreat". I feel oddly not alone, yet completely alone. People who are like me, finally. But everyone is in their own world. My heart is pounding, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. I just want to sleep. But I feel like everything is in fast forward with the volume on high. People are nice, but all have their own problems. I want to talk. I feel lonely. Currently looking for a companion I can trust. But I know it is not going to happen. They are all hear because they can't trust themselves either.

The sky is grey and dreary, like my heart. They took a sample of my urine to do tests. So that's nice. Dr.P works here. So when I do see him, on Nov 26th I will have a better idea, of what I don't know yet. I just wish my heart would stop beating so hard and fast, and my head would stop hurting.

I feel safe kind of. I feel like giving everyone a hug to thank them.

There are zebra's on the wall in the jungle portion of the lounge. I like them. They remind me of the horses in my life. Their eyes are kind and gentle, they do not judge or question their being, they just be. They work hard for their rider because they love them. But they receive the love in return. But the zebra stripes are dizzying. I can't focus on their beauty for too long at one time.

My head isn't hurting too bad now, but it comes and goes. Maybe when I think about it.

B. came and spoke with me. Very nice person. He is a mental health worker. He says he thinks he knows me, probably not though. I like that someone who takes time to talk to me.

Funny, I finally have what i want. Time. Time for me. Time for me to get well..

Went to grieve and loss group time and talked about Bay. Listened to a bunch of sh*t I don'[t need to hear. I wanted to walk out, but not be rude.

Made my first friend S. I like her. Dark brown curly hair, gentle eyes. H. another schizophrenic talked to me.  Well I opened up the communication. And then they warned me of his inability to see boundaries. Great! Thanks! I coulda told me sooner. I just wanted to sleep. I am getting afraid again.

I laid down rested, maybe fell asleep. I don't know why I woke up, but I did. I felt sick to my stomach. So nauseous head hurts. I feel sad again.But the night is coming. I'm trying hard not to throw up.
____________________________________________________________________________

What I remember it was like was uncomfortable. They took things that were simple and meaningless to most people. Such as shoe laces. And they "tried" to take my necklace, something near and dear to me. People there looked much worse off them myself. And I felt that their sickness brought me further down. My delusions were awful at that time. Things like seeing children peeking in the glass slot on the door and laughing. I felt like their were cameras watching me through the fire sprinklers in the ceilings. The food was awful, and I didn't want to eat any of it. I just wanted to smoke. And they only let you smoke every hour, on the hour and thats it. I felt like it was just them trying to give normalcy back to people's lives who didn't know what normal was anymore. I had to admit myself another time about 6 months later, and vowed to never go back there even under my worst circumstances.

If you could change ONE thing - By random people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder

I posted this on a group website for those dealing with Bipolar Disorder and these are the responses I recieved:

If you could change one thing about your illness....

• 
  
  

  What would it be? If you had a chance to change something about it. A symptom, or situation or loss or gain. What would you change? You're not allowed to take it away.... only change ONE thing.
  
  

• 
  
  

  ME: I would change the fact that if I have children, they have a higher risk of living with this illness too. I would take away all the chances of my possible future children having to struggle with this painful and challenging illness. I don't know if I can stand back and watch them yo yo through life with pain and joy and pain again. I can handle it myself. I can do it, but I don't want them to have to suffer too.

  
  

  Responce #1:  I would change my hypomanic episodes to being euphoric rather than dysphoric so that I could get some kind of enjoyment out of them!

  
  

  Response #2: there are a few things i'd change; suicidal thoughts, over sensative, being out of control..

  
  

  Response #3: I would change my inabilty to process intellectual content. Was going to school to become a Jr. High math teacher and was an algebra tutor now I am unable to balance my own checkbook.

  
  

  Response #4: Motivation - it's the very first thing to go when a depressive episode is coming on. Even a mild low. It wouldn't be so bad if I felt like crap but still had the motivation to get out of bed and function in life even a little bit. This makes me completely useless half the time!

  
  

  Response#5: I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE THIS FEELING OF BEING LONELY. THINKING NOBODY LOVES YOU. LIKE YOUR ALL ALLONE IN THE WORLD. ALSO BRINGING THE FACT THAT NOW YOU ACT HAPPY. HATE YOURSELF FOR DOING THAT CAUSE YOU FELL LIKE A CHEAT,BUT ENDURE THE PERSONAL HATRED JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES YOU

  
  

  Response #6:  I would get rid of the side-effects of my meds as I am able to control my symptoms well with my meds but my side-effects suck almost as bad as my illness.

  
  

  Response #7: The question makes my mind whirl. I tried answering it yesterday and just kept deleting everything I wrote.

  
  Response #8: I would want to change when I was diagnosed properly. I got my diagnosis when I was 40. I have had something wrong with me as long as I can remember. I've always known my brain worked differently than everyone around me but didn't know why. I started seeing doctors and therapists when I was 14 and kept getting the wrong diagnoses. Nothing they did was going to help because I was either take no medication or the wrong medication. A lot of wasted time, erratic behavior, severe depressions and psychotic manias later I know now why. I wish it would have been 20 years sooner.
  
  Response #9: I would change the stigma around mental health and having to disclose that I'm Bipolar on job application forms. I'm no different now to how I was 6 years ago when I was a paramedic, I just have this label attached to me now and applying for a job they make up stupid reasons as to why I'm not shortlisted for interview. I'm quite stable on my meds and quite able to work if they would just give me a chance.
  
  
  
  
  There were also a few that I did not get consent for that were simple to the point, and extremely painful to realize that someone feels such a way. It's amazing how some people can express themselves so well in only 2 words.

Art over past years

Here are a few pieces of my art. These are not my best but more of just some scribbles. Notice how they mimic night and day. I didn't even realize it until I was taking photos of them to put them up. It's almost like my emotions were on paper, even though I was drawing something completely un-related.

I'll try and take a photo of my best work, but I doubt I'll remember.
Thanks and Enjoy.

New Look, Same Great Taste!

Just learning how to do some things with my blog. I found this template and really liked it. I hope it helps you navigate through my blog easier. Explore a bit. Let me know what you think.

Thanks

-Mel

Me, Myself and God

How do I start this? I could say that I knew God, but got lost and was eventually saved again and He is in my life now.  That would be accurate, but everything that makes this story, my story, significant is the difficult “stuff” in between. With out the difficult “stuff” the good would not simply be as good. I would not appreciate where I was in life today with out having gone through the things I did.

When I was around 15 I was highly involved in youth group and people who genuinely cared about me. I was beginning to learn what it was like to have God in my life. I was also learning what God was like. He was a Father, a Teacher, a Friend, and a Creator. How could I not love my own creator? Because the truth was pointing me to one thing. Christianity was the “Right way” to go. So I went. I was baptized in a small pond that was owned by someone in the church. There was several other people who were being baptized as well. There was food and a celebration. There was joy. There was worship. There was happiness. How I lost that Joy I have no idea. How I could have willingly walked away from that joy I will never know.

My teen years were harder then most from my point of view. But perhaps from everyone’s own point of view their teen years were the hardest too. I really can’t say for sure that mine were harder then most, but it sure felt like it. It was surly not hard because of my family life. Family life for me was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for more. Although my Dad was not present for most of my childhood years, I learned to accept him and his faults even though he wasn’t the greatest Dad. Yes that effected me, but it didn’t bother me to the extent high school and social life did. I was teased by kids, but I believe I put myself in the position to be teased. I was called a “spaz”. I don’t know why they used the word spaz, and it doesn’t really matter. I was always, I mean always the butt of jokes. I can’t tell you how tired I was of that. I was an intelligent person even at 16. I was also much more mature then the average teen. People would come to my mom and tell her that I was so mature for my age. I was working as a ranch had before I could even drive so that I could feed my horses. The responsibility I had for my horses made me grow up fast because they relied on me for everything.

Somehow along the way, I got caught up on the internet. I started chatting to strangers and made friends across the world. One was from the Midwest, another from Sweden, one from Australia, and one from England. I would spend all my free time chatting, conversing and creating friendships that were not even real. It was easier to be myself there, then in real life. I eventually met someone from Pakistan. And though part of me wishes I never met him, I am partly happy because he taught me a very hard lesson.

I am going to call him Joe. Joe and I started talking. A friendship grew into something more serious. We talked on the phone, and chatted for hours. I thought he was a kind person with good intentions. I was sadly mistaken. Over the course of 3 years I was controlled in ways that is hard to believe. Someone from across the world was able to make me disown my Christian beliefs and take on their Muslim beliefs. I was so serious about my new found religion that I became vegetarian because I could not buy “blessed meat” also known as “Halal meat”. To make a long painful story shorter and more bearable I will just say that I was brainwashed. My current beliefs were torn down and in place of the old his ideas and ways of living were planted and Joe sat back and watched them grow. I saw and experienced dark things that a young adult should never have to. It was hard, hurtful and dark point in my life. Although I thought that God was more present in my life then ever. I later felt abandoned and wondered why he would let me stray so far away from the path of Light. The path of God. His path.

When I finally reached a point in life that I was strong enough to realize that this was wrong and that Joe was not a good person. I ended all contact with him. And started to put my life back together. Figuring out who I was, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had forgotten who I was. I was so angry with God. Not angry enough to say he didn’t exist, but Angry enough to have resentment, and look at him as not my friend. I viewed God as a careless hurtful Creator who made his subjects and then left them to fend for themselves.

After a few years of that anger and resentment, I happened to meet Tyson. Tyson and I dated for about a 8 months or so and then he announced to me that he was going to rejoin the church and become active again. That he wanted God in his life again. I looked at him shocked and terrified. He knew how I felt about God. He knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with a radical religious person. It was ok to be around people who had luke warm spiritual ideas and beliefs, but absolutely not organized religion.

After a few mins passed by and we talked about his decision, I realized that I needed to heal my broken heart. That the anger was not ok to be living with. So I thought that I would join him occasionally to church and slowly take this path with him. I was cautious, and scared to my core.

We went to Fiddletown Church and I remember thinking how nice all of these people were, and ever time I returned, they were even more pleasant and genuine. I made friendships and started to join in and slowly but surely God healed my heart.

Tyson and I got married and though God and Christianity was part of my life then, I didn’t truly know how God would be working in my life, and I certainly didn’t even know what he was doing then in my life.

Recently I had the chance to look back on my life and see how God was with me and working in my life even in my darkest moments. He wanted me to be tested  and so he tested me. And though I left him once, I did come back. And that is the ultimate show of Love in his Eyes. The act of willingly accepting Him in your life wholeheartedly. To know that there ARE other paths that are not God’s way, but that Christ is the BEST PATH.. And to believe and know that JESUS is the only Way, and the only Light.

This is what God did in my life

*Showed me his way

*Showed me that I have my own will to walk away from him

*Showed me that Anger and resentment is poison to the soul

*Gave me Tyson who opened my heart to God again

*Gave me a choice to come back to him and accepted me when I did

*Gave me Tyson’s family to make my life more full

*Took away the entire side of my Father’s family but in return enforced that God gave me Tyson’s family to replace them. A family that was healthier for me and certainly more loving.

*God prepared me to loose connections with the entire side of my Dad’s family, but he prepared me leading up to it so that I could cope and not feel empty, but see that I had what was best for me. People that loved me where in my life.

And here I am today, God still working in my life, and even though I sometimes can’t see the whole plan, I know that he is always working with me and guiding me on the path that is His Path.

Thank you God for accepting me and forgiving me.

Taken...or given?

Had a counseling session yesterday. It was hard on me. It seemed when I needed her the most, she pulled away. She wanted me to realize that she wasn't going to be there all the time for me to bounce ideas off of. She wanted me to learn how to dissect things on my own. By the end of the session I was mentally tired. Like I had been doing a ton of math problems. We talked about boundaries and that it wasn't so much friends crossing them, but I myself was crossing them, and then expecting a certain response from the friend. And when I didn't get the response I was hurt. And then I felt taken advantage of.. I learned that if I give or offer something I need to not expect anything back, not even a thank you. She also gave me a some good advice. She said to look at the "boundaries" like a friendly neighbor fence with a gate that goes both ways, and not an uncrossable brick wall. There is no cross and die, but more of an ebb and flow.There was a ton of other information in that session that was useful. Some of which I came up with myself. But I'd like to go to my dream last night.

I dreamed it was Christmas Eve, the store we were at was warm and decorated. And the family kept making little mean hurtful remarks to me or about me. Like I was the butt of the joke. I got tired of it and blew up. I screamed and cried and told them how I was sick of them saying mean things about me. I told them I had had enough and they needed to stop already. I went outside and sat on the step. A cop car drove by after a while and slowed near me. My family obviously called the cop on me and the cop must have been making sure I wasn't causing problems. After a long while my family came out, and I was stuck having to ride with them. As soon as they came outside, a swarm of teenagers and a few young children around age 7 came around us. They were certainly up to no good. I saw this young 6 year old starting to pull out a gun as I argued for the teen to move and let us pass. I saw the child and I guess through osmosis I knew his name. His name was Sumir. A middle eastern name of course. Of course it had to be a middle eastern name. I went to the child and begged him to stop and hang on just one min. I told him, if he put the gun away, I would give him and them what ever they wanted as long as they left my family alone. I immediately started to take my sweater off, as it was cold and put it on him. I helped his tiny arms through the sleeves and pulled the big sweater over his head. He smiled and walked off in agreement. I looked around and screamed what else do you people want from me? A person came up and said they wanted my hair to be cut off. So I thought for a second and realized if I let them cut it, I would have no hair left. It was tied back in a braid and I took my husbands knife from his belt loop and sliced the braid off, leaving enough hair to fix. I threw it at the young teenager who grinned with happiness that my feelings were hurt. However, I knew this girl. I knew here because she was a friend who I had met recently, and I cared very much about. But she took something near and dear from me. I screamed for the next demand and one stepped forward and said they wanted my cell phone. I said fine after a pause of deliberating and remembering my agreement, "but I want my sim card.". I didn't know how to take it out, and someone assisted me and I gave it to them. I asked for the next demand again. Someone walked up towards me and gave me a big hug. I thought they were being nice because they saw how hard it was on me, and then he grabbed my butt. So I stood there, and then pushed him away, and asked if there was anything else. No one said anything. My family started to clear and pack into the car. And I sat back down on the step. Sobbing.... taken..... and used.

The girl who had taken my hair came to me and she had tears rolling down her cheek. She asked me "Did you write this?" and showed me a letter I had written a few days ago to her and it told her how grateful I was to have her in my life, and that having her in my life made things different and better for me. I told her how I appreciated her friendship and hoped we kept being this close forever. She said no one had ever wrote something like this before.

And then I woke up.

So did I give these things? Or were they taken?

I think that I offered, in order to save my family. But I expected them to respond in a way that made them realize how great of a person I was for sacrificing myself. When I didn't receive that kind of reaction I was disappointed. Then later that girl came up and felt bad for taking my lock of hair. She came to me at her own time. And though she couldn't respond the way I wanted, she did appreciate me for the letter. Something entirely different then the lock of hair situation.

Boundaries, Duh!

Whoa! I so do not know how to set healthy boundaries. I am a people pleaser to a fault. I am so afraid of rejection that I will stomp on myself to make sure others like me. Why would they like me, if I don't treat myself with respect? A friendship that is in my life right now keeps coming up and biting me in the butt. I keep putting myself out there, dropping my boundaries and yes, it keeps slapping me in the face. I realized a few weeks ago that I need boundaries and when I set them up, the person freaked out. So here I am, getting taken advantage off, and to make matters worse I allowed myself to experience a sad, difficult thing today in order to make things easier on them. And here I am suffering from the experience.

At least I am on Step 1. Realizing I have a boundary problem.

and I am on Step 2. Working on setting healthy boundaries

and I need to move on to Step 3. Maintaining healthy boundaries

It's so frusterating. I feel like I give to much to others and I am left with less for myself. Less of everything. This is by far the first time, and I am sure it will not be the last. I just really really really REALLY hope that I will figure out how to create and keep boundaries that make me more healthy.

Anyone have any suggestions? I could use some advice.

Sleepless nights adding up

I've been finding that my sleep has been more disturbed lately. I really want to go to bed, but when I get there, I simply can not sleep. So I get up. Why bother laying in bed wishing I was asleep when I could be blogging? Sounds like a better choice to me.

I have nothing to talk about. That is the problem here!!!!! Spring is blooming everywhere around me here in California. Flowers taint the air with their fresh sweet smell, and the greenery is everywhere the eye can see. The hills are covered with new spring grass. The trees are budding their leaves and her I am awake. Awake like a snake who's eyes never close.

We've planted plants in our yard. So far carrots and corn sprouted. I'm a little bit concerned about the carrots being to close together though. My first year growing carrots. So we'll see how they turn out.

So here I am nothing to talk about and a ton of time on my hands to talk about it.

-Signing off maybe I'll think of something later

Hi My Name is Melanie!

Hi everyone,
I was just thinking how I feel like I'm only talking to myself and a few select people. I would love to hear from who ever is visiting and reading my life story and journey. If you have a comment, please feel free to post them below the blog posting for the day. I feel a little bit lonely here, and like I'm talking to myself. I also feel like I'm running out of things to talk about (that are interesting anyways).

Also if you don't have an opinion or comment, just leave a comment to introduce yourself and say hi below.

I hope you've been enjoying my writing.

-Mel

Developmental Stages and Me

I had a session today with a counselor. During the session a huge light bulb went off. I was talking about the trauma that had occurred in my life, (the relationship with the Pakistani talked about previously in my blog) and how it effected me today. I was talking about the age range it occurred and the guilt I had felt because of it. As if being the victim wasn't enough, I was now also responsible for the perpetrator's actions. I realized that I needed to forgive myself for being innocent and mailable. I need to really honestly truly realized that I was impressionable. And move forward and leave the negative emotions that I relive behind.

After we were done with the topic, she said, "I find it interesting that this occurred during the time when you were developing social skills and relationships. And now, you have been struggling with them ever since." So what did I do? I ran home and googled developmental stages and trauma. I also looked at what can happen if trauma occures in the stages, and what can happen psychologically to the individual if it doesn't form correctly, or is hindered, or cracked along the way.

With everything I struggle with socially, my findings made so much sense.

Erik Erikson's Therory as follows:

5. Adolescence: 12 to 18 Years

Ego Development Outcome: Identity vs. Role Confusion

Basic Strengths: Devotion and Fidelity

Up to this stage, according to Erikson, development mostly depends upon what is done to us. From here on out, development depends primarily upon what we do. And while adolescence is a stage at which we are neither a child nor an adult, life is definitely getting more complex as we attempt to find our own identity, struggle with social interactions, and grapple with moral issues.

Our task is to discover who we are as individuals separate from our family of origin and as members of a wider society. Unfortunately for those around us, in this process many of us go into a period of withdrawing from responsibilities, which Erikson called a "moratorium." And if we are unsuccessful in navigating this stage, we will experience role confusion and upheaval.

A significant task for us is to establish a philosophy of life and in this process we tend to think in terms of ideals, which are conflict free, rather than reality, which is not. The problem is that we don't have much experience and find it easy to substitute ideals for experience. However, we can also develop strong devotion to friends and causes.

It is no surprise that our most significant relationships are with peer groups.

5. Identity v Role Confusion

Puberty and Genitality

adolescent / peers, groups, influences / resolving identity and direction, becoming a grown-up

Produces: Fidelity and Devotion

Malformation produces: Fanaticism /Repudiation

From what I gather is if this stage is malformed, formed wrongly, or is damaged in this area and not completely healthy then the outcome can be "Fanaticism" or "Repudiation".

The definitions are:

Fanaticism is a belief or behavior involving uncritical zeal,
From the above link, I gather unwavering passion. Also a fanatic. No matter what happens you are a "fan" of something.

Repudiation may refer to:Disownment, the formal act by which a parent forcibly renounces his child

or

repudiated : disowned, rejected as untrue or unjust

or

repudiation: The refusal, especially by public authorities, to acknowledge a contract or debt.

From what I gather, the fanaticism doesn't really fit. However, I do grab on to things and stick with them believe wise. But I wouldn't call myself a fanatic by any means with any thing.

The repudiation makes more sense. That I feel rejected, and have a fear of being rejected. I feel invalid and I de-validate myself constantly. I lessen myself in order to make others more comfortable. And I also severely feel rejected by authority figures. I feel like I don't get acknowledgement and just plain negative attention.

I feel like this makes so much sense. I wish I had better definitions of repudiation. I had to pull from several locations to make sense of it. I think it is talking about a more formal manor then what I experience. But I am assuming it's the same?

I hope this helps someone who is reading this. Perhaps if you are struggling with something and have had some sort of trauma, even divorce, do some research and see what area of yourself was developing at the time the trauma occurred. It helped me.

Good luck.

I'm fat so I'm watching my weight?

Ok what?!! Just to clarify things I would like to share that yes, I am overweight. In fact I am very overweight. However, my views on dieting are just that. I DON'T DIET. I found out that the more I dieted, the more I yo-yoed and after I quit "dieting" I would gain it all back and then some. So I vowed to never diet again. I have a major severe mental block about dieting because of my past struggles surrounding food and body image. I realized that I needed a more healthy way to approach this problem.

Recently I decided I was sick of not being able to move well. Not being able to be very active, and a lack of general ability to stretch and also keep up my stamina. Around the same time I realized that what I was eating, was not the best of foods. Please keep in mind I am not a hard core fast food eater, I am simply talking about pesticides, perservatives, processed foods, red meats, and things of this matter. Things that you think may be healthy, but really are not. This started with sugar. In particular "fake sugar". Things like sweet and low, equal, aspartame, high fructose corn syrupe, and splenda. I understand that many people would bulk at the "splenda" in there. But to be frank, splenda is altered and changed by humans. Splenda is not of this earth. Nor did God make it like this for us to eat. We made it. Simple as that. I believed that 5 years down the road we will probably change our minds and say, "Splenda is not healthy for you after all - Millions get cancer because of splenda". Or some weird medical condition will be linked to splenda, "the healthy alternative".

So my first choice was to go back to the Earth. I started with sugar. I returned to cane sugar (real sugar). I also adopted honey, and agave nectar. All of which are delicious, and real. God made all of these things. Although the sugar has to be harvested to make granuales. It is still real. Sugar in the raw is even better, but more expensive. Please keep in mind this is my own opinion. Then I moved on to meat. I really don't even like meat. I find that I make it, and then choke it down. I enjoy fish, and dark meat chicken. I really don't care for beef or pork. So, I decided to cut down on what my body was telling me not to eat. Not because some doctor on T.V. told me it was bad for me, but because my BODY told me it didn't want much of that stuff. So I try to stick with chicken, and small portions of red meat and pork. I really try to avoid them. On top of the sugar and meat, when I do have money, I now try to by organic things. I don't always. But thats the whole point. I don't HAVE TO. But I WANT TO! I can't always afford the more expensive bananas, but I try to. I try to by the organic carrots, but I don't have to. I am not breaking any rules if I can't afford it, or don't get it that particular time.

A few months after that I decided I wanted to be more active. I wanted to have a goal to work towards. I kept saying I would move, and kept putting it off. So I thought to myself, "I'll make a goal.". When I thought about how I should make my goal. I thought about the complete opposite of what I wanted to accomplish. The first thing that came to me was Thanksgiving day! I can tell you each and every one of my family members eat far too much. It came to me that instead of sitting around munching on food, while our feast is being made, I could instead, "Walk to feed the hungry". So I began my journey. I started to walk, climb bleachers, and ride the bike around town with my husband. I feel better, I feel like I can move better. I enjoy feeling the adrenalin rush. The problem is I have trouble with the diligence and discipline. That is something I have to work on.

I knew that my body was going to have a hard time. So I first went to the doctor and talked to her about my exercised induced asthma that I was diagnosed with when I was a teenager. She gave me tips and an inhaler to use prior to working out. That helps me a tremendous amount. It opens up my airway, and it doesn't take forever to recover like it used to. I can actually walk, and talk. It's nice!

Right now I am working on getting the right pair of shoes for my feet. I know that I am going to run up against pain and injuries and things of this sort on my feet, calves, and knees. So I want to give myself a head start. The shoes I have are either bad, or better, but not great. The shoes I want are expensive, but also Great! They are Solomon Trail-Runners. What I like about them the most is that they keep my ankles from rolling outward, because they are made to stabilize your feet for uneven surfaces. Even though I am walking on even surface, I need support like that!

My story was supposed to tell you about how this person offered me a sucker, but said she didn't want to be a bad influence on me. I thought to myself why would you be a bad influence on me? It hit me that because she thought I was "watching my weight", which I am so not watching anything, I just want to feel better, and it's even more funny that she didn't even know any of this about me. So she thought that eating a sucker in my "condition" would be bad, very very bad.

No I'm not watching my weight, I am just fat!

P.S. Please support my cause Run To Feed The Hungry

Sudden burst of sadness

I've been finding that simple things are choking me up. I've managed to choke back the tears, but my throat gets all closed up and I feel the sensations around my eyes welling up.

These things are so silly. I was telling my husband about this movie, and as I was telling him about it, the feelings increased. So I stopped talking and moved on to a new topic. It's happened to me several times today. I'm not sure why, but I do know that something as simple as a commercial or song can trigger this physical reaction right now.

I'd really rather not be so sensitive about things like this. It's just a movie I've only seen 10 times and I happen to own. It's only a song I've heard countless times, and managed my eyes to stay dry. But why all of a sudden these things are kicking up tears. That I do not know. Perhaps I'm coming down from a "mania episode". I really am not sure.

When it's good, it's great. When it's bad, it's just plain bad.

So I keep thinking about this blog, and not knowing what I should write. One thing I hate about medication is it removes so many "thoughts and feelings". What I mean by that is not that I am a zombie. I mean that there are just less of everything. It sometimes frustrates me because when I need them or want them, they are just simply not there. Like when I want to console someone, sometimes I seem to lack emotion. It's frustrating to me right now, because I feel like there is nothing to write about. When only 2 or 3 weeks ago I could have written about the air and came up with enormous emotions and feelings regarding the air.

So I thought why not write about my inability to think of anything to write about. Huh. Talk about a way to kick writers block I guess. Thats deffiantly one way to do it.

I want to emphasize that this particular medication does not make me feel like I am walking around in a zombie fog. In fact I feel very well, and happy right now. I just don't feel a ton of emotion I guess. Right now my brain is in the train of filing, organizing, cleaning, and doing things. Not feeling things. Partly this is good. Productive, but I just feel a little bit not like myself. Perhaps this is what they call mania? I have been having trouble sleeping. I did re-organize my entire office, and I have been extraordinary productive. Well, I guess that is something to think about. I'll keep that in mind.

So besides me feeling thoughtless, lately, my meals have been really bad. They kind of remind me of slop. HA! So tonight I put extra effort into making something tasty with what I had in the house. It turned out nice. Chicken, mashed potato's, gravy and some veggies. Pat on the back for a job well done.

Well I'm off for now. Just wanted to let you know what was going on inside my little head. - A whole lotta nothin!

Have a blessed weekend guys!

Sleepless in the Office......

So I started and finished reorganizing the office. Let me tell you that is a big job. I ended up not being able to sleep. I was still thinking about odds and ends that I left unfinished and couldn't stand it really. I also just couldn't get into the sleepy time mode. I finished most of it during the evening, but the last couple of hours I went through ALL of my files and threw away everything old and not needed anymore. I also made a more through filing system. I love being efficient sometimes! It's really a positive productive time when I am in an organizing mood.

Anyways, bad news is now I am awake and it's 2am. Again, I can't seem to sleep. I don't really want to even be awake right now. So I don't think I'm going to get really deep into this post here. I'll just drink some bedtime tea, and relax and hopefully get sleepy enough. I hope it works.

Maybe I'll put together a new music line up for you guys. Sorry I'm not that exciting tonight.

Oh... by the way, I have a very important meeting/appointment on Friday. Tomorrow really, because it's now Thursday. But whatever, Wednesday night, Thursday morning. It's pretty much all the same right?

Yogi Wisdom of the Day

Yogi is a brand of health food. I fell in love with their tea this last year, and can't get enough of it. They have "fortunes" on the end of their tea bags. I guess they are really called Yogi Wisdom. 

So today my Yogi wisdom reads: " You are infinite."

Thank you Yogi Tea for you lovely flavors and delicious wisdom.

Waiting for the ball to drop

I've been feeling so good lately, but I can't help but think that there is something bad coming. I hate that I feel this way. But I do. I feel like it's almost too good to be true right now.  I feel great, perhaps I'm manic, but I highly doubt it. I think that I felt so bad for so long that my new normal was lowered a few notches. So when I try to gage my happiness and sadness, it seems higher, only because my standard has lowered.

I am trying to hard so enjoy this moment. I am trying so hard to try not to fall back into the past what-evers....the past memories, the past thoughts, the past feelings, or past failures or what ever that is in the past that might bring be down. I'm slowly learning how to live in the moment. I feel that only the ability to do this has come with age. I think we know how to do this as children, but as we grow up we become jaded and fall into the past or future. Meanwhile we forget the "Now". So... right now, I am struggling to realize that right NOW I feel better. A month ago was a month ago. Today is today. And right now I am living today.

I wish that some people could understand how my brain works. Just to live it for a day, boy what a movie my brain would make. It's like a sling shot that is constantly pointing and sometimes slinging my thoughts to the past. I find myself struggling with that all the time. Sometimes daily.

I sometimes feel like a broken record, always going over the past events, always trying to figure out where and what I did wrong. Honestly, I don't think I could have done most of it any better, but the perfectionist in me looks back and tries to "fix it", as if I actually could.

For example, something that happened to me the night before last. I was getting ready for bed, laying down with my dog, and all of a sudden my brain weasels it's way into the past when I wasn't paying attention, and I could here his voice so clearly it scared me. The un-nameable person I am speaking of is the person from Pakistan that I wrote about previously. The remembrance of his voice makes me cringe and the feeling of sickness comes over me. And at that moment, my mind re-created his voice as if it was him in the phone which was against my ear. This wasn't a audio hallucination guys... seriously, come on give me a little credit. No, but in all honesty it was so vivid in my head and memory. Just the way he sounded, and the subtle ways he controlled me echoed in his voice. ehhhh.....I can't think about it anymore.

Anyways, my point being is that no matter how hard I try, my mind just seems to go there when I least expect it. I partially wish I could lock the doors to the past, and put a wall behind me that has pointy nails on it, then have it mechanically move slowly forward, so I could never go back. Eventually I would learn to not look back and only go forward. Wouldn't I?

Grandma's Magic Kitchen Aid Mixer

When we were back in Ohio, we had a conversation about how I hand mixed everything, and that I couldn't even make whip cream if I wanted because I didn't own a beater of any kind. So the family said, "We'll fix that!", and gave us Grandma's Kitchen Aid Mixer.

As I was cleaning it off yesterday, I started to think about all the many many many things she made with this mixer. From cookies, to doughnuts. She made everything! Also, everything that she made was delightful and delicious. I didn't get to taste everything, but I certainly heard about it from family members.

I started to think about he magic that was in this Kitchen Aid. The magic of being able to make beautiful and tasty things for your family. People who you love. The gathering around the table eagerly waiting to take a bite from that freshly made German chocolate cake. How could you beat that kind of magic? I don't know any magician that can top this trick.

While I shined up the sturdy white Kitchen Aid mixer, I secretly hoped that the magic would rub off on me. I'v never made a cake from scratch, and I plan to tackle that very soon. I am however gifted with cookies and non-yeast breads like banana bread. I also am a little afraid of yeast, but I have no idea why. I am sure it's easy enough to work with. So I am hoping the magic will work for me, as it has for so many years for Grandma.