What does it mean to have Anxiety?

My homework for counseling this week was to think about anxiety, and what it means to me to have it. I only started to think about it last night, and I have to divulge that I feel overwhelmed even thinking about it. It's a feeling I know well, but why and where it comes from is a complete mystery to me. I think so many things can be a factor that I never bothered to think about where it stems from. It's too big of a thought. It's almost like asking myself where existence came from and discussing God in length. Sometimes it just hurts your brain. I know what I believe about God, but to actually try and "figure" God out, is a complete waste of time because I feel like we'll never touch even a fraction of what He is and can do. Thats how I feel about anxiety.

So know, here I am trying to figure out where anxiety comes from and I feel stumped.

I decided to start with the physical and biological feelings I get when I know "anxiety" is with me.

Feelings:

• Tensed up
• Heart tight and pounding hard
• A sense of dizziness in my chest
• A clamy feeling all over or heat wave all over
• Racing thoughts
• Heart fluttering
• Stomach uneasy
• Mixed emotions - Anger, Sadness, Worry.

What makes me anxious?

-Being in the presents of someone or people who think ill of me.

How do I know they don't like me?

-I don't know for sure. But I "feel it" or "sense" it. Sometimes I am wrong, Actually I am wrong a lot of the times.

Why am I anxious about being around someone who doesn't like me?

-I'm afraid of rejection. I want to run if I am feeling rejected. So I can leave them first before they leave me. I can stay in control, and minimize the pain I feel from loosing the person. I never hardly ever let them form their own opinion. I seem to taint it and skew it so that they end up really not liking me and then in the end rejecting me. I seem to impose these feelings on people.

Do I always leave?

-No. I've been able to keep some relationships going. But the other person has to be committed to standing by me through thick and thin. They have to know that I really am a good person and to stick with me when things get confusing for me. I seem to test them. To see if they really will stay. As if they  have to pass a test. I make the air so uncomfortable that I assume they feel the comfortableness too, eventually leaving me because of the weirdness.

So maybe I create my own anxiety. And if I create my own anxiety, is it possible I can stop it? Can I also stop my relationship problems and confusions? Do I really hold my own key to get out of this vicious cycle or hurt and loss? 

Well.... I am going to leave this for now. It's been a big exploration for me. I think I need to think about some of this.