Waiting for the ball to drop

I've been feeling so good lately, but I can't help but think that there is something bad coming. I hate that I feel this way. But I do. I feel like it's almost too good to be true right now.  I feel great, perhaps I'm manic, but I highly doubt it. I think that I felt so bad for so long that my new normal was lowered a few notches. So when I try to gage my happiness and sadness, it seems higher, only because my standard has lowered.

I am trying to hard so enjoy this moment. I am trying so hard to try not to fall back into the past what-evers....the past memories, the past thoughts, the past feelings, or past failures or what ever that is in the past that might bring be down. I'm slowly learning how to live in the moment. I feel that only the ability to do this has come with age. I think we know how to do this as children, but as we grow up we become jaded and fall into the past or future. Meanwhile we forget the "Now". So... right now, I am struggling to realize that right NOW I feel better. A month ago was a month ago. Today is today. And right now I am living today.

I wish that some people could understand how my brain works. Just to live it for a day, boy what a movie my brain would make. It's like a sling shot that is constantly pointing and sometimes slinging my thoughts to the past. I find myself struggling with that all the time. Sometimes daily.

I sometimes feel like a broken record, always going over the past events, always trying to figure out where and what I did wrong. Honestly, I don't think I could have done most of it any better, but the perfectionist in me looks back and tries to "fix it", as if I actually could.

For example, something that happened to me the night before last. I was getting ready for bed, laying down with my dog, and all of a sudden my brain weasels it's way into the past when I wasn't paying attention, and I could here his voice so clearly it scared me. The un-nameable person I am speaking of is the person from Pakistan that I wrote about previously. The remembrance of his voice makes me cringe and the feeling of sickness comes over me. And at that moment, my mind re-created his voice as if it was him in the phone which was against my ear. This wasn't a audio hallucination guys... seriously, come on give me a little credit. No, but in all honesty it was so vivid in my head and memory. Just the way he sounded, and the subtle ways he controlled me echoed in his voice. ehhhh.....I can't think about it anymore.

Anyways, my point being is that no matter how hard I try, my mind just seems to go there when I least expect it. I partially wish I could lock the doors to the past, and put a wall behind me that has pointy nails on it, then have it mechanically move slowly forward, so I could never go back. Eventually I would learn to not look back and only go forward. Wouldn't I?