On a happy note, I would like to add that I got a place and time slot in a low cost counseling opportunity. Graduates who need to get time in during actual counseling conduct the session, and it is supervised by a professor through a one way mirror. I was so trilled to get a space. I really have been needing a third party ear to help me break down what my body has been going through. Someone who doesn't have a stake in my life or time. It was very important to me to get into this program because I seriously can not afford to pay any large amount and the visits break down to $7 a visit. For 17 weeks I think they said. Basically a full semester is the length of time it will be.
She and I re-touched on a subject that had been brought up by a previous Therapist of mine. De-validation. I do it all the time. I do it even when I am not paying attention, and I do it when I am trying not to do it. I hate that I do it because it just removes any positive from my previous stance or statement. For example. I would say something like. "I am a good house wife and I take such pride in doing things for my family, but how do I tell someone that I'm unemployed and don't have a job because I am disabled?". Not only did I say I as good at something, but in the next breath I just snatched it away from myself. I believe I have literally been living in a life of being "unworthy", and revalidation since about the age of 14. Around that time I also think I was dealing with some label that I had been stuck with. In a friendship things seemed to always be, "my fault". I did my best to defend myself, but it seemed that there was nothing I could say to back myself. I was always wrong, I was always the person who did the thing that was bad, or even thought of the thing that was bad. It was my fault, and I bared the burden for that friend. She was too weak at the time to carry that burden, and somehow I have never been able to drop that bag, or peel off that label. I wished I had years ago. It was really never my fault. It was no ones fault. And now I am dealing with the constant idea of me not being good enough for the world. Not being good enough for others, for Church, and mostly not being good enough for myself. How do I un-clutch my fingers from this bag?
So back to the counseling session, we touched on many subjects. I wasn't even really prepared to talk about that many things, but it went there and I was glad. It felt natural to talk with her, but very unnatural to be in a tiny room with a one way mirror. I swear to you if anyone going into the counseling program has paranoia or claustrophobia, they will struggle with that environment. Even I felt like my chest was going to crack open and my heart was going to fall onto the floor. As we spoke, she caught me doing these tactics to myself to make myself less worthy and take a positive thing and turn it around into a negative thing. It hurt to see this, and to be caught doing this to myself. I felt like a child making fun of another child. Telling them that they weren't good enough. Every time that child will hear that, a scar will be left on their soul. Instead of another person being the victimizer, it is me who is hurting the little child within. I am the bully. I sort of feel hurt for myself. I feel both sides of my "inner being". I can't seem to stop the bully, and I can't fix the poor innocent one. I feel stuck. I hope and pray that a pathway comes to me and opens up some doors to give that innocent child power to stand up to the bully and finally end it once and for all.
