Diary of a Schizophrenic

I was diagnosed early on to have Schizo affective disorder, and thankfully later on in life I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From what I learned Schizo affective only got much much worse. Like every mental illness they all eventually go further down hill. The hope for a full recovery is so distant. I feel like bipolar is a slightly less diagnosis. But can be just as debilitating. Anyways, when I admitted myself to the Psych Hospital, I kept a journal. I started it just before I went in, and kept it up while I was in there. Here is an entry.
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Diary of a Schizophrenic:

10/21/01
I had yet another episode last night, called my mother and decided I can't do this anymore. I felt like I have not slept. Only 3 hours though. Woke up and couldn't stay put because I would wake my friend who came home to take care of me and help me. The voices continued all night. It was the sound of a party, large, many people talking, no music, just a huge room with many mumblings and conversations. They wouldn't let me hear. As if conspiring to take me over.

Here I am (in the hospital) in my own room inside my, "mental retreat". I feel oddly not alone, yet completely alone. People who are like me, finally. But everyone is in their own world. My heart is pounding, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. I just want to sleep. But I feel like everything is in fast forward with the volume on high. People are nice, but all have their own problems. I want to talk. I feel lonely. Currently looking for a companion I can trust. But I know it is not going to happen. They are all hear because they can't trust themselves either.

The sky is grey and dreary, like my heart. They took a sample of my urine to do tests. So that's nice. Dr.P works here. So when I do see him, on Nov 26th I will have a better idea, of what I don't know yet. I just wish my heart would stop beating so hard and fast, and my head would stop hurting.

I feel safe kind of. I feel like giving everyone a hug to thank them.

There are zebra's on the wall in the jungle portion of the lounge. I like them. They remind me of the horses in my life. Their eyes are kind and gentle, they do not judge or question their being, they just be. They work hard for their rider because they love them. But they receive the love in return. But the zebra stripes are dizzying. I can't focus on their beauty for too long at one time.

My head isn't hurting too bad now, but it comes and goes. Maybe when I think about it.

B. came and spoke with me. Very nice person. He is a mental health worker. He says he thinks he knows me, probably not though. I like that someone who takes time to talk to me.

Funny, I finally have what i want. Time. Time for me. Time for me to get well..

Went to grieve and loss group time and talked about Bay. Listened to a bunch of sh*t I don'[t need to hear. I wanted to walk out, but not be rude.

Made my first friend S. I like her. Dark brown curly hair, gentle eyes. H. another schizophrenic talked to me.  Well I opened up the communication. And then they warned me of his inability to see boundaries. Great! Thanks! I coulda told me sooner. I just wanted to sleep. I am getting afraid again.

I laid down rested, maybe fell asleep. I don't know why I woke up, but I did. I felt sick to my stomach. So nauseous head hurts. I feel sad again.But the night is coming. I'm trying hard not to throw up.
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What I remember it was like was uncomfortable. They took things that were simple and meaningless to most people. Such as shoe laces. And they "tried" to take my necklace, something near and dear to me. People there looked much worse off them myself. And I felt that their sickness brought me further down. My delusions were awful at that time. Things like seeing children peeking in the glass slot on the door and laughing. I felt like their were cameras watching me through the fire sprinklers in the ceilings. The food was awful, and I didn't want to eat any of it. I just wanted to smoke. And they only let you smoke every hour, on the hour and thats it. I felt like it was just them trying to give normalcy back to people's lives who didn't know what normal was anymore. I had to admit myself another time about 6 months later, and vowed to never go back there even under my worst circumstances.