This is a good example of how I feel right now....... a little hopeless I suppose.
Enjoy listening...
How he loves us By David Crowder Band
Please take a moment to listen....... this is what I feel.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
A sad and happy note
With a broken heart I have to report that my Husband's Grandmother has Passed yesterday during my bout with insomnia. She lives across the country in Ohio. Out of all the people who are family out here in California, my mother in-law took it the worst. We all knew she would have the hardest time with it. She really doesn't like that she lives so far away from her family, but in the same turn she knows she built a life out here so this is how things have to be right now.
It breaks my heart having to watch her go through the pain, and know exactly how she feels. The feelings of loosing my Dad only a year ago, and my Grandma only 7 months ago is all so fresh in my mind and heart. Sometimes I still feel it like yesterday. It also makes me sad because I only got to meet her two times. I've known my husband for 5 years (we've only been married 2 years), and I met her once when we all flew out to Ohio for a 50th Anniversary (other set of grandparents). We went back and forth to both Grandparents and I was able to meet Aunts and Uncles for the first time. It was a beautiful happy trip. I was so pleased to meet them, and get to know them. It gave me a great deal of insight as to where Tyson(my husband) came from.
So we will be flying out of California and to Ohio in the next few days and staying there for a week. I hope to have access to the Blog while I am there. Oh, and the weather over there is going to be interesting. It's awful snow storms... and cold as cold can be. And last night I happened to catch a cold of some kind. I haven't been sick in like 2 years so it's about time. So the sad note today is we've lost a person who we love very very much.
The happy note is that I have my first "Follower" for the Blog, and my first "Comment". I am so pleased that people are enjoying my writing and my thoughts. Good and bad thoughts, I am pleased that they are receiving them in a way that makes them want to read more. From the little bit of feed back I've already gotten, it seems that I am accomplishing my goal in trying to help people understand what people with Mental Health symptoms go through, good and bad. So this only increases my desire to write even more. I feel good about it. Even though it's sometimes very hard to share what my thoughts are, I feel like it's serving a purpose. A positive purpose hopefully.
Thank you very much for reading. It means so much for me to know that there are people listening and walking this journey with me. It tells me people want to learn about these type of illnesses.
PS. There is a poll to the right, which I can not seem to figure out how to darken the font. Please take a moment to squint and try and read it. I'm sorry for that. I tried to work on it and figure out how to change the color, but couldn't, and now I don't have a lot of time to fiddle around looking for the location to change it.
the poll is:
It breaks my heart having to watch her go through the pain, and know exactly how she feels. The feelings of loosing my Dad only a year ago, and my Grandma only 7 months ago is all so fresh in my mind and heart. Sometimes I still feel it like yesterday. It also makes me sad because I only got to meet her two times. I've known my husband for 5 years (we've only been married 2 years), and I met her once when we all flew out to Ohio for a 50th Anniversary (other set of grandparents). We went back and forth to both Grandparents and I was able to meet Aunts and Uncles for the first time. It was a beautiful happy trip. I was so pleased to meet them, and get to know them. It gave me a great deal of insight as to where Tyson(my husband) came from.
So we will be flying out of California and to Ohio in the next few days and staying there for a week. I hope to have access to the Blog while I am there. Oh, and the weather over there is going to be interesting. It's awful snow storms... and cold as cold can be. And last night I happened to catch a cold of some kind. I haven't been sick in like 2 years so it's about time. So the sad note today is we've lost a person who we love very very much.
The happy note is that I have my first "Follower" for the Blog, and my first "Comment". I am so pleased that people are enjoying my writing and my thoughts. Good and bad thoughts, I am pleased that they are receiving them in a way that makes them want to read more. From the little bit of feed back I've already gotten, it seems that I am accomplishing my goal in trying to help people understand what people with Mental Health symptoms go through, good and bad. So this only increases my desire to write even more. I feel good about it. Even though it's sometimes very hard to share what my thoughts are, I feel like it's serving a purpose. A positive purpose hopefully.
Thank you very much for reading. It means so much for me to know that there are people listening and walking this journey with me. It tells me people want to learn about these type of illnesses.
PS. There is a poll to the right, which I can not seem to figure out how to darken the font. Please take a moment to squint and try and read it. I'm sorry for that. I tried to work on it and figure out how to change the color, but couldn't, and now I don't have a lot of time to fiddle around looking for the location to change it.
the poll is:
Are you or someone you know challenged by mental health symptoms?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Productivity produced by insomnia
I did find one productive thing to do during my night of non-sleeping. I happened to e-mail the local news station this morning and they read my e-mail on air. How cool is that! Insomnia... thank you for my 15 mins of fame!
Bellow you will find my e-mail:
Bellow you will find my e-mail:
"Even though I wasn't able to get any sleep last night, it's nice being able to watch all of you guys on Good Day at 4:30. You can't call anyone and chat at 2AM, or even 4AM (unless they call you guys). So it's nice having the Good Day Crew to pretend to be awake with and watch the sun come up. It's not so lonely when 4:30 comes."
CW31 Good Day Sacramento Morning Show
~The triumphant beauty of the sleepless~
Of course, I am awake. I do my best to be asleep by 11 at the latest, but sure enough I sit here awake and it is 2AM. I started looking for people online, someone to help me pass the time by, but to no avail there is no one. There probably won't be anyone either until 6AM. So I'll be alone with me, myself, and my thoughts for the next 4 or so hours, unless I am lucky enough to fall asleep between then.
I wonder sometimes about these sleepless nights. I wonder why can't I be productive during these hours of sleeplessness. I don't know why really, but it seems that if I am unable to sleep, then I certainly am not able to be productive. I do things that are unproductive and pass the time. Usually the computer. I wish I had the motivation to file, clean, or go do yard work. Gosh, think of the things I could get done in an extra 8 hours. But for some reason these hours are always lost to the deep dark blue of the night. Gone, and never seen again. Like they have entered into the witness protection program. They witnessed something they should not. Seeing someone awake, all night and not they must go into hiding. They never share what had conspired during those quiet hours of night. And their life depends on it. For when the next sleepless night comes, they to will come out and play.
I wonder sometimes about these sleepless nights. I wonder why can't I be productive during these hours of sleeplessness. I don't know why really, but it seems that if I am unable to sleep, then I certainly am not able to be productive. I do things that are unproductive and pass the time. Usually the computer. I wish I had the motivation to file, clean, or go do yard work. Gosh, think of the things I could get done in an extra 8 hours. But for some reason these hours are always lost to the deep dark blue of the night. Gone, and never seen again. Like they have entered into the witness protection program. They witnessed something they should not. Seeing someone awake, all night and not they must go into hiding. They never share what had conspired during those quiet hours of night. And their life depends on it. For when the next sleepless night comes, they to will come out and play.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
It's time for a change!
On a happy note, I would like to add that I got a place and time slot in a low cost counseling opportunity. Graduates who need to get time in during actual counseling conduct the session, and it is supervised by a professor through a one way mirror. I was so trilled to get a space. I really have been needing a third party ear to help me break down what my body has been going through. Someone who doesn't have a stake in my life or time. It was very important to me to get into this program because I seriously can not afford to pay any large amount and the visits break down to $7 a visit. For 17 weeks I think they said. Basically a full semester is the length of time it will be.
She and I re-touched on a subject that had been brought up by a previous Therapist of mine. De-validation. I do it all the time. I do it even when I am not paying attention, and I do it when I am trying not to do it. I hate that I do it because it just removes any positive from my previous stance or statement. For example. I would say something like. "I am a good house wife and I take such pride in doing things for my family, but how do I tell someone that I'm unemployed and don't have a job because I am disabled?". Not only did I say I as good at something, but in the next breath I just snatched it away from myself. I believe I have literally been living in a life of being "unworthy", and revalidation since about the age of 14. Around that time I also think I was dealing with some label that I had been stuck with. In a friendship things seemed to always be, "my fault". I did my best to defend myself, but it seemed that there was nothing I could say to back myself. I was always wrong, I was always the person who did the thing that was bad, or even thought of the thing that was bad. It was my fault, and I bared the burden for that friend. She was too weak at the time to carry that burden, and somehow I have never been able to drop that bag, or peel off that label. I wished I had years ago. It was really never my fault. It was no ones fault. And now I am dealing with the constant idea of me not being good enough for the world. Not being good enough for others, for Church, and mostly not being good enough for myself. How do I un-clutch my fingers from this bag?
So back to the counseling session, we touched on many subjects. I wasn't even really prepared to talk about that many things, but it went there and I was glad. It felt natural to talk with her, but very unnatural to be in a tiny room with a one way mirror. I swear to you if anyone going into the counseling program has paranoia or claustrophobia, they will struggle with that environment. Even I felt like my chest was going to crack open and my heart was going to fall onto the floor. As we spoke, she caught me doing these tactics to myself to make myself less worthy and take a positive thing and turn it around into a negative thing. It hurt to see this, and to be caught doing this to myself. I felt like a child making fun of another child. Telling them that they weren't good enough. Every time that child will hear that, a scar will be left on their soul. Instead of another person being the victimizer, it is me who is hurting the little child within. I am the bully. I sort of feel hurt for myself. I feel both sides of my "inner being". I can't seem to stop the bully, and I can't fix the poor innocent one. I feel stuck. I hope and pray that a pathway comes to me and opens up some doors to give that innocent child power to stand up to the bully and finally end it once and for all.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Emotional Transplant
Sometimes I have an emotion that overwhelms me that I have no idea where it came from. I feel like it is foreign to my own body. I feel as it it is a transplanted emotion. I certainly did not grow up learning this emotion, but never the less it exists inside my body. Sometimes the emotion or feeling is so intense my skin can barely handle it. It feels as if my skin is going to crack open and emotions will ooze out.
Right now, I feel Anger. Anger is the only thing I feel. My eyes seem to only see red, and I am so angry that I feel like I might even pass out. I have physical pain in my chest where my heart is located, but how is it possible to even have a "heart", when you feel so angry? I feel the black and red pumping like oil through my veins poisoning the flourishing grown it touches.
It really bothers me to feel these things. To be so angry I feel out of control. I feel helpless in my own body and mind. It feels as if it's not even my own body. Foreign and alien.
There are also the good emotions that come and go like all the others. For example, I could be driving down the road, and for no apparent reason everything in the entire world is "Right". For that moment in time, there is no hunger. There is no sadness. There is only glorious happiness. Utopia and uphoria. A place of extacy in the mind and soul when you know you are right were you are supposed to be and doing exactly what you are ment to be. Sometimes the colors in the world are even brighter, and more brilliant. Smells can be more crisp and clean, and in the spring time you can almost smell the moisture in the grass. Of course this sounds good. Sure, I wish I could life in this constant state of mania my entire life. But it's not reality. This is not real life, and I really don't want to be living a lie.
So the doctors give me medication. They try to keep the lows from going to low, and the highs from going to high. This leaves me with stability, and bord out of my mind. I have to look at it this way, less people get hurt in my path of emotional destruction. I wish I could just eliminate the horrible lows, and spend a little more time in the highs. If only I could dial ind tailor the emotions to make it a perfect eco environment for my little soul. How pleasent that would be.
Meanwhile my insides are screaming for help, and no one is around to help. I want to cry, scream, and break down all at once. But as society has taught me, that is not acceptable. Even though I am in dire need for someone to just talk to, and more importantly listen to their voice. I am forced to hold it all inside. God forbid that I actually ask for help. God forbid I show weakness. You just simply are not allowed to get "out of control". It's uncomfortable for others if you show that kind of depth and emotions. They don't want to be bothered, and the honest truth is that it disturbs them. Well holy hell, it disturbs me too. Welcome to the Bipolar tour! To the left is Anger, to the right you will see depression. Notice the desperation and despair there. And if you glance ahead, you may even see euphoria.
Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoyed your visit. Please come again soon.
Meanwhile, I will stay here and drown in emotions that I didn't even know I had.
Right now, I feel Anger. Anger is the only thing I feel. My eyes seem to only see red, and I am so angry that I feel like I might even pass out. I have physical pain in my chest where my heart is located, but how is it possible to even have a "heart", when you feel so angry? I feel the black and red pumping like oil through my veins poisoning the flourishing grown it touches.
It really bothers me to feel these things. To be so angry I feel out of control. I feel helpless in my own body and mind. It feels as if it's not even my own body. Foreign and alien.
There are also the good emotions that come and go like all the others. For example, I could be driving down the road, and for no apparent reason everything in the entire world is "Right". For that moment in time, there is no hunger. There is no sadness. There is only glorious happiness. Utopia and uphoria. A place of extacy in the mind and soul when you know you are right were you are supposed to be and doing exactly what you are ment to be. Sometimes the colors in the world are even brighter, and more brilliant. Smells can be more crisp and clean, and in the spring time you can almost smell the moisture in the grass. Of course this sounds good. Sure, I wish I could life in this constant state of mania my entire life. But it's not reality. This is not real life, and I really don't want to be living a lie.
So the doctors give me medication. They try to keep the lows from going to low, and the highs from going to high. This leaves me with stability, and bord out of my mind. I have to look at it this way, less people get hurt in my path of emotional destruction. I wish I could just eliminate the horrible lows, and spend a little more time in the highs. If only I could dial ind tailor the emotions to make it a perfect eco environment for my little soul. How pleasent that would be.
Meanwhile my insides are screaming for help, and no one is around to help. I want to cry, scream, and break down all at once. But as society has taught me, that is not acceptable. Even though I am in dire need for someone to just talk to, and more importantly listen to their voice. I am forced to hold it all inside. God forbid that I actually ask for help. God forbid I show weakness. You just simply are not allowed to get "out of control". It's uncomfortable for others if you show that kind of depth and emotions. They don't want to be bothered, and the honest truth is that it disturbs them. Well holy hell, it disturbs me too. Welcome to the Bipolar tour! To the left is Anger, to the right you will see depression. Notice the desperation and despair there. And if you glance ahead, you may even see euphoria.
Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoyed your visit. Please come again soon.
Meanwhile, I will stay here and drown in emotions that I didn't even know I had.
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