Confused about boundaries!

I am realizing that I attract friendships that are somewhat toxic. I wondered so many times, "Why in the world is this happening to me.", and then it would happen again, and again. And so here I am AGAIN! I am finding that a friendship is toxic. I am not sure how it becomes this way, but it does. Is it the person I pick and that we are a poor match? Do I create toxicity with in my own brain (more likely then not), or is the for the simple reason of not having boundaries? I always thought that the best deepest friendships had no limits, and no boundaries. That lives intermingled in one smooth flow. It certainly does not. I will tell you that! I have had several very deep relationships and they were not smooth flowing.

So where do the issues form? Where are the roots? I can't dig them out and replant if I don't know whats wrong. Is it the soil? The water, not enough or too much? I am so confused it's impossible to see a pathway out right now. So for now I decided to sit tight, and let things ride out. I'd really not like to loose this friendship, but I feel like it's in the hot seat for now. It makes me sad. It terrifies me in ways I can not even explain. Loosing a friendship for me is like a Vet, having to reenter war in Viet Nam. Thats seriously how painful it is for me. The first friendship I had was like loosing part of myself. As if someone cut my Siamese twin off my own body with out any anesthetics or pain reliever. It hurt, it nearly killed me. I can still cry today if I let myself think about it. On the positive note, I know the loss had to happen. The friendship simply could not continue the way it was going and neither of us were able to change. It wasn't that we didn't want to, we just couldn't.

So here I am trying to detox my friendship, and I find that as soon as I draw this boundary or invisible line, the person flips out. I feel sometimes like they also cross the line and become hurtful, then when I call them out on it, they pretend that I am being, "to sensitive". I don't know how I could be too sensitive on this subject, because anyone would find these things hurtful. I know I am not over-reacting.

So how to set up boundaries? That is the question. Where do I put the line? Where do I put up the wall and where do I put up the land mines? Seriously?? What the heck do I do with my chalk? I've got the pavement laid out, but I have no idea where to put my boundaries. All I know is that I need to work on myself, I need to be healthy myself inside and out. And I can not be worried about someone else or even what someone else is thinking. All I need to do is focus on myself. What makes me feel good mentally and physically.

Right now I am working on my quality of life.

As for this friendship, perhaps I will talk to her about things and see what her side is looking like, cause from my point of view it's all crooked.

Think happy thoughts for me, because it's like having to open the closet door when you know that Freddie Crougar is on the other side!