Emotional Transplant

Sometimes I have an emotion that overwhelms me that I have no idea where it came from. I feel like it is foreign to my own body. I feel as it it is a transplanted emotion. I certainly did not grow up learning this emotion, but never the less it exists inside my body. Sometimes the emotion or feeling is so intense my skin can barely handle it. It feels as if my skin is going to crack open and emotions will ooze out.

Right now, I feel Anger. Anger is the only thing I feel. My eyes seem to only see red, and I am so angry that I feel like I might even pass out. I have physical pain in my chest where my heart is located, but how is it possible to even have a "heart", when you feel so angry? I feel the black and red pumping like oil through my veins poisoning the flourishing grown it touches.

It really bothers me to feel these things. To be so angry I feel out of control. I feel helpless in my own body and mind. It feels as if it's not even my own body. Foreign and alien.

There are also the good emotions that come and go like all the others. For example, I could be driving down the road, and for no apparent reason everything in the entire world is "Right". For that moment in time, there is no hunger. There is no sadness. There is only glorious happiness. Utopia and uphoria. A place of extacy in the mind and soul when you know you are right were you are supposed to be and doing exactly what you are ment to be. Sometimes the colors in the world are even brighter, and more brilliant. Smells can be more crisp and clean, and in the spring time you can almost smell the moisture in the grass. Of course this sounds good. Sure, I wish I could life in this constant state of mania my entire life. But it's not reality. This is not real life, and I really don't want to be living a lie.

So the doctors give me medication. They try to keep the lows from going to low, and the highs from going to high. This leaves me with stability, and bord out of my mind. I have to look at it this way, less people get hurt in my path of emotional destruction. I wish I could just eliminate the horrible lows, and spend a little more time in the highs. If only I could dial ind tailor the emotions to make it a perfect eco environment for my little soul. How pleasent that would be.

Meanwhile my insides are screaming for help, and no one is around to help. I want to cry, scream, and break down all at once. But as society has taught me, that is not acceptable. Even though I am in dire need for someone to just talk to, and more importantly listen to their voice. I am forced to hold it all inside. God forbid that I actually ask for help. God forbid I show weakness. You just simply are not allowed to get "out of control". It's uncomfortable for others if you show that kind of depth and emotions. They don't want to be bothered, and the honest truth is that it disturbs them. Well holy hell, it disturbs me too. Welcome to the Bipolar tour! To the left is Anger, to the right you will see depression. Notice the desperation and despair there. And if you glance ahead, you may even see euphoria.

Welcome to my world. I hope you enjoyed your visit. Please come again soon.

Meanwhile, I will stay here and drown in emotions that I didn't even know I had.