Spilling my life out on Paper or Plastic?

So one reason why I wanted to start this blog, was not only to face my fears and accept who I was, but to teach others about my life. There are some difficult things to talk about in my past that cut me to the core. I didn't really know when I would bring this area up of my life, but I felt maybe I might be able to right now.

So another sleepless night comes upon me. Not by choice trust me. I have a cold and took a generic brand of nighttime cold liquid, well, I'm still awake. So that tells you just about how good that works. So here I am again, awake with you. Spilling my life out on paper or, plastic?

When I was around 16 I got caught up on the online chatting. I became addicted, I guess thats what they call it these days. I spent hours and hours online talking to strangers with no faces. I grew relationships with people who I'd never met. I looked forward to talking to them every day. This developed over a period of time of 6 months or so. I remember one time in particular that I realized I had "a problem" was when I spent 13 hours straight online at a friends house who I was house sitting for, and I didn't realize they paid by the min. So, you can see how this would be a problem. Thats how long ago this was too. Paid for internet by the min. Wow. I feel old. I had to pay back part or all of that money back.

Anyways, I developed a relationship with this guy who was 6 years older then me. At the time he lived in Manchester, England. He supposedly went to a University to learn textiles. What ever that means I don't even know. Fabrics I guess? Honestly, I may talk to you and tell you about this person as if he was a real human being. Thats how my body knows this situation, as real and tangible. So here I went and embarked into this online relationship with this man who was older and in a different country. Of course it started out as a friendship, but emotions and time shared made the relationship seem like it was something it wasn't. I spent many late night hours online chatting with him. We spoke sometimes on the phone. I would buy calling cards to call him, in order to hide it when needed. We also exchanged mail. Even though it's been nearly a decade of hearing his voice, it still sounds clear in my head. It's quite disturbing actually.

It wasn't long that he isolated me from the world. I started to drift away from my friends and pulled away so much so that I really had no friends for the last 2 years of my high school career. The only friends I had were people who didn't know me enough to know how far off the deep end I had gone.I would also go to the library and check my e-mail. I could not be away from that darn machine. It seemed to fallow me with it's cord and haunt me everywhere I went. Literally. I would get anxious and go through with drawls if I didn't have access to online after a period of time. I would schedule what little life I had, around him, and chatting with him. For many purposes I will call this person, Joe. This is not his name. But Joe seems easy enough for now.

Turns out Joe was from Pakistan. He was also a devout Muslim, or so he claimed. I knew this when I entered into a "committed" relationship with him. I told him that I didn't believe in that religion. In the beginning he said that it was alright. I mean I was Christian, he was Muslim. Things got to the point where there were getting "serious"... and I say that with a grain of salt for the fact is that I never met the man. But in the same breath, I know the seriousness of where it could have put me today. So well into the relationship I asked if he would be able to marry me and take me as who I was, Christian and all. He said plainly, "No." in a heartbroken way. He sounded as if he wanted to, but couldn't. I didn't like hearing him hurt or in any shape or form of dislike. It seemed to twist me inside and I did what ever I could to take away that dislike.

So, I learned about the Quran. It makes me sick to this day that I know more about the Quran then the Bible. I've been trying, and doing my best to learn about the Bible. But, I seem to have a mental block now about taking in new religious learning such as this. Anyways, I met this other Muslim online who was from New York. He taught me Islam via live chat. We typed, I asked questions, he answered. It went on for hours, and days. Tutoring me. Teaching me, and he also played a part in brainwashing me. I often wondered if these two people knew each other, and I was just a sick game. They were sort of like a team. It's so hard to explain this. Say for example, I would ask a question about how their religion viewed say... smoking. Well, Joe would say, "smoking is bad for you Melanie. I don't want my baby to smoke. Would you want me to smoke and be unhealthy?" He always pulled that. That whiny sad voice of his. *shutters* He turned everything around and asked me if I would want him to do that. Which was besides the point really. But, then say the New York Tutor, would say, "Islam views your body as a Temple. Allah wants you to treat your body like a temple.". And so I did just that....

I always had trouble with Trinity in Christianity. Islam did not have trinity. It was God ( Allah), and Mohammad (the Prophet), but honestly I have no issues with Trinity now. I fully completely understand it more then I ever did. But after learning everything I had about Islam, I decided this was my new belief system. This is what I believed. I was a Muslim. I revoked my belief in Christianity, and accepted Islam as my new faith. Swallow that....................... cause I can't.

When people ask me about that period of my time, all I can say is that I was brainwashed. I was modern day brainwashed really honestly and truly. It was done from long distance. I have chunks of my memory just gone and disappeared. The only reason I know things happened that I can't remember is photos, items, or other people telling me things that I should really know. And I don't remember anything. There isn't even blackness.... there just isn't anything there to remember. Gone, vanished, vacant.

Things got so serious that there were times that I was fully prepared to fly out to Pakistan to stay for a summer or something. Thank God that I never made it that far. Thank God that I was poor and couldn't afford a flight ticket. Thank God that he didn't have the guts and kahonas to come out to meet me. Thats all I can say really. Thank God.

Had I had the means to go through with meeting him, I would probably be stuck in Pakistan right now, wrapped up and draped in clothing and forced to live my life how they choose. Maybe I would have learned the reality of things, maybe I wouldn't have. All I know is I could be surrounded by war and stuck in a kitchen  making curry and have 5 kids hanging off my hip. It's scary when I think about it, and so I do my best not to think about it. - Maybe thats why I can't remember anything?

When I went to college, I "took" him with me. We continued our relationship while only 2 hours from my childhood home. Still he never came to meet me but was able to continue his hold on me even though I left home. His hold on me was so tight that I also became vegetarian. Not for the popular reason why back then, but because I couldn't find meat in my small town that was "halal", which really just means "blessed". And from what I gather, it means just that, a prayer said over it. However, I will also tell you that their is other secret and silent implementations that go along with, "halal". To this day, I am not even sure about it and don't care to know. I was a very strict vegetarian. I didn't even eat french fries that were fried in the same oil as meat. Nothing touched it.

I started to go to a Mosque in the big city where my college was. The women there were loving, open and welcoming. I felt like they were clamoring for me to be apart of their world and family. I had offers for, "Marriage" and relationships with "so and so's son", but I was already committed to my imaginary boyfriend online.

Part of me would like to say that this was when I saw the darkest parts of civilization. But it didn't begin here. It began a few years before, when I first got onto that computer and met Joe. There were many things that added up. Such as seeing a slaughtered goat or lamb, or what ever it was laying on the porch of this home with flies all around it. They were going to eat it, even though there were flies. The people who lived at this particular house the with the dead animal on the front porch didn't flush the toilet. There was gross remnants in there from the previous 5 visits or so. Gross, and in humane if you ask me. Needless to say, it only took one visit for me to not return to that home.

Then there was my beautiful friend. She was 15, and so kind and innocent. I really loved her with part of my heart. The kindness, I just can not quiet explain. She was humble and accepting. I may even have been friends with her today had it not been for the circumstances of our lives. She had beautiful long thick black hair. She wore a black dress outfit that covered her from head to toe. Nothing of her skin was able to be seen besides what you could see through a 1 inch slit across her eyes that measured about 6 inches wide. She even wore gloves. How on earth she manages to be in a summer heat wave of 108degrees I will never understand. Anyways, this was one of the cruelest things I had experiences from my point of view. She ran past doorways, and was even unable to occupy the same space as her father with out that formal dress attire. Even when she was at church and wore that attire, she would run past a slit in the door (like the glass kind you have in elementary school classrooms) afraid that she would be seen by the, "Mens" as she called them. The men and women were separated into two different parts of the Mosque. Men in the front with the speaker, and woman in back with the "speakers". The mans voice up front was sent through wires and speakers to the back room so we could all hear.

I took Arabic classes at that mosque, and though it would have been of great use for translating now, I have forgotten nearly all of it but bits and pieces. Joe told me he wanted me to learn Arabic so I could read the Quaran in it's true form, but honestly, I think it was just another way to get inside my head.

I also learned to pray like a Muslim. I learned the movements, and words, and etiquette. I washed my feet, hands, and face before prayer just as they did. In fact, thats where I think I picked up athletes foot, but what ever. I never had a problem with my feet before that point in my life. I even fasted for Ramadan just as they did.

I pretty much did everything for his approval. To be a "good wife" in the future.

I finally met someone who I enjoyed, trusted, and became friends with. As our friendship grew into something that was real, and I actually was spending real physical time with this person, I started to get sick of my old Joe. I started to see through some things, but not at all nearly what I should have. What I mainly saw was that he promised to come out to meet met several times, and canceled every single time. I was sick of waiting in my mind. So I ended it with Joe. The best adult decision of my entire life.

3 years of my life wasted with Joe
4 years of vegetarianism
countless tears
countless anxieties
athletes foot
Brainwashing= Priceless


Thank God for my new soon to be boyfriend.


To this day, the thought of this time in my life brings me discomfort on different levels. If I see an object that I thought I got rid of, it sends panic through my body. It disturbs me.


Lost word here--- I am absolutely not accusing a whole group of people of anything. This was my individualized experience with this particular person. Although YES, it has created fears with in my own self, and rightfully so. I have experiences a lot of trauma by this relationship and time in my life. My goal is not for you to feel those fears with me. This is my life, and mine alone. Only I need to walk the path. Thank you for staying open minded and listening.