I have realized in the last few months that I have such an infinite amount of strength. The problem is that I choose not to use it all the time. I've been tapping into that strength more and more as I age. And I am beginning to learn to control it. It just amazes me of how strong a person can be.
When I think of myself I think..."weakness"...."incapable"...."failure". However when I really honestly look back in my life I think "Holy crap, I did that???!!!" I mean honestly what person do you know that has a mental illness that is able to maintain a life worth living? Manage medications? Ask for help when they need it? For the most part those with mental health challenges struggle with the most basic of things. Something as simple as gathering with friends. Sure I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are worth keeping and are quality.
So with the struggles I have had, as well as the losses. I realize now that I am strong. I may not be like everyone else, but in and of myself, I am a strong woman.
Snapshots of my life moments. From my point of view and perspective. Though my reality may be different from those around me, this is the way I see it......... This is my reality.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Loosing another person
I've been battling and accomplishing weight loss. For the past few months, I have been watching nearly everything I eat and monitoring my calories, and types of food I am intaking. I have lost a total of 35 lbs! This is a huge accomplishment for me as I have never lost weight, unless I was sick. I mean seriously 35 lbs in a little over 2 months, thats HUGE! I even picked up running and walking as a past time.
Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.
The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!
I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.
So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought, "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.
I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.
Just last week I did 2.8 miles, however I aggravated my knee and was forced to pull away from running. I have started walking again and doing knee exercise to help strengthen the week muscle on my knee. I have gained 5 lbs back since I had to stop working out. That 5 lbs is like a death punch to the face to me.
The last few months I have had to take a hard look at myself and why I eat. I didn't get to be 260 lbs for nothing. There is a reason for it. I know that medication takes a huge play in my appetite, but I mean come on, 260 lbs???? I never thought I would be that heavy. So, I lost that 35 lbs and reached my pre-wedding weight. I am ecstatic!
I have realized that with myself there is always a "but". So.. here it comes. I have lost all this weight and been successful, BUT, I am fearful that I will gain it all back quickly and more. I have found that if I let my guard down just and inch, I run a mile with it. So I have to think back to when I quit smoking and how I did it. I stopped cold turkey. And I was Successful. I don't think about them anymore, or crave them. Its just that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think I don't even truly believe I can loose more weight. I think that I party believe it was an anomaly that I lost what I did, and I fear I can't recreate it. I want to life a life that is real, authentic and healthy. A diet for a real life woman is what I am looking for right now. I lost that weight by drastically changing my diet, but now that I am living in real life circumstances, I feel like I can't meet those expectations.
So I just listened to myself typing all the above and I thought, "Wow, negativity galore!" So I think I'll try to change my thoughts a bit and finish out strong here.
I AM loosing weight. I AM eating to fuel my body. I Love my body and want it to be healthy. I Demand myself to make the right choices in my diet. I am so very grateful for the weight I have lost and will loose this week. I am grateful that I can still run, and that my knee isn't perminatly injured. Ohhh How I love to run. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. I have a lovely home, and a great husband. My life is overflowing with love and joy.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Quote of the Day - Glitch in my Brain.
Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.11
Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 1, p.11
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Jogging through life
I ended up not doing the volunteering with horses. I think it's too much of a commitment for me and I'm still so new at feeling well. I ALWAYS take on too much and then end up letting it all go and falling back into a deep depression. Then not only am I feeling depressed but guilty for not holding up the commitments I made previously. The shame involved with that is centered around failure. Failure can be a crippling experience if you are someone who deals with it often. I do somewhat feel like I failed because I did make "that" call to set up the volunteer thing in motion. But I figured better to keep myself sane then simply busy.
Lately I have been struggling with my body not being able to go as fast as I want it to. Both in life accomplishments, and also while walking. I found that I started to graze at night and eat the amount of an entire meal in snacking. It was taking over my evening life. It was running my nights. It was taking over my life. I tried just about everything and then ended up realizing I was simply bored. I had nothing to do, so I occupied myself with snacking. My mind was going to fast for my body. My body had nothing to to. My physical world was completed for the day. I needed a project. So I borrowed my mother-inlaw's sowing machine and started doing some sowing projects that I've had on my to do list for weeks now. The eating stopped. I also started my walking up in the evening and did a few alterations of keeping busy at night. I do still find myself snacking on a few things but mostly I am in control now. I felt so helpless and so defeated in the beginning and I now realize that it was a simple solution to a big problem.
As for going faster on my walks, I have expressed to a few people who are avid exercisers that my body was simply not ready to do what I wanted and the jogging was hurting my shins, knees, and Achilles tendon. My sister inlaw offered up some advice that was very useful. She recommended that I try doing a walk/jog. Basically I would be jogging in place and move forward slowly and steadily. IT WORKED!. My body held my weight for about just under 1/4 mile. My muscles still got worked out but I could move. I got the mobility my mind wanted. I wanted to go faster. I wanted to run, and get pumped up. My body just couldn't. This gives me more of a challenge then just walking, but not so much pressure that my body is risking injury. I was proud, and happy, and pleased that I had found something that worked for me, and something that I liked. I just wish no one could see me do it! HA!
Oh and P.S. I got the trail running shoes I've been wanting so bad. They have been of great use! :) Go Salomon!
Lately I have been struggling with my body not being able to go as fast as I want it to. Both in life accomplishments, and also while walking. I found that I started to graze at night and eat the amount of an entire meal in snacking. It was taking over my evening life. It was running my nights. It was taking over my life. I tried just about everything and then ended up realizing I was simply bored. I had nothing to do, so I occupied myself with snacking. My mind was going to fast for my body. My body had nothing to to. My physical world was completed for the day. I needed a project. So I borrowed my mother-inlaw's sowing machine and started doing some sowing projects that I've had on my to do list for weeks now. The eating stopped. I also started my walking up in the evening and did a few alterations of keeping busy at night. I do still find myself snacking on a few things but mostly I am in control now. I felt so helpless and so defeated in the beginning and I now realize that it was a simple solution to a big problem.
As for going faster on my walks, I have expressed to a few people who are avid exercisers that my body was simply not ready to do what I wanted and the jogging was hurting my shins, knees, and Achilles tendon. My sister inlaw offered up some advice that was very useful. She recommended that I try doing a walk/jog. Basically I would be jogging in place and move forward slowly and steadily. IT WORKED!. My body held my weight for about just under 1/4 mile. My muscles still got worked out but I could move. I got the mobility my mind wanted. I wanted to go faster. I wanted to run, and get pumped up. My body just couldn't. This gives me more of a challenge then just walking, but not so much pressure that my body is risking injury. I was proud, and happy, and pleased that I had found something that worked for me, and something that I liked. I just wish no one could see me do it! HA!
Oh and P.S. I got the trail running shoes I've been wanting so bad. They have been of great use! :) Go Salomon!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Medication downfall
I am finding that the better I feel emotionally and the more I feel my meds are working, the more I eat. At night I eat. I graze. Salts, then sugars, then salts again. This can go on until I've eaten enough for an entire meal and I feel awful. I do it every night. And I can not stop! I've tried substituting tea, which I love, and then I just eat on top of drinking the tea. I am frustrated because I have been working out but not seeing any products of my labor. I know it's because of my night time grazing. I eat alright through out the day, and have hardly any cravings, but as soon as I finish dinner...... here comes the cravings. It's simply driving me crazy. I even tried getting a watermelon and eating as much as I wanted. I was stuffed, and still wanted something else.
This is what I hate about medication. The side effects. I know this is something that I can't partly control because I have been on other medication where I lose my appetite. I only wished those medications worked as well as this one.
So my choice is to be fat and happy, or skinny and think I'm going to go blind (side effect of facial pain) and not feel as happy but feel alright. Well, I guess I'll chose fat and happy.
This is what I hate about medication. The side effects. I know this is something that I can't partly control because I have been on other medication where I lose my appetite. I only wished those medications worked as well as this one.
So my choice is to be fat and happy, or skinny and think I'm going to go blind (side effect of facial pain) and not feel as happy but feel alright. Well, I guess I'll chose fat and happy.
Monday, April 12, 2010
The better I feel, the less I write
I don't know why this is, but when my meds are working and I feel good, I write less. I think less. I feel like I am not in my head as much, and I spend more time doing, instead of just thinking. I think it's healthier. I think it makes me happier when I can actually accomplish things instead of circling them around in my brain. It seems they get caught up somewhere in there and never make it out to real life. I sometimes hold on to things and just can't seem to let them go. They just recycle emotions which makes me unhappy and unhealthy.
Anyways, this weeks homework is to let go of the past that causes me upset. I don't know exactly how to do it, but when ever I find myself thinking about the past memories that are painful I am going to push them out and away. Also, I am working on letting go of things that are frustrating today. Little things that are petty, that bother me so much. This is difficult as well.
Part of this has been marinating in my soul for a while also. I have been pondering when I should get baptized again. I want to, but I was unsure of it. I decided this week that it was time. It is time to let go and forgive the past. Move forward and start a new era. And era with Christ in my life and joy that overflows out of myself and onto other people. And even though there will be tough times, I will always remember that God loves me and is with me through it all. His hand print is on everything I do.
I have been doing so well that I also decided to volunteer at a horse rescue. I needed to do something that makes me happy and fills my days with something that allows me to find myself again. I believe this will be such good therapy for me. May1st is the volunteer orientation.
I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but I thought I should at least let you know where I was at in my world.
Anyways, this weeks homework is to let go of the past that causes me upset. I don't know exactly how to do it, but when ever I find myself thinking about the past memories that are painful I am going to push them out and away. Also, I am working on letting go of things that are frustrating today. Little things that are petty, that bother me so much. This is difficult as well.
Part of this has been marinating in my soul for a while also. I have been pondering when I should get baptized again. I want to, but I was unsure of it. I decided this week that it was time. It is time to let go and forgive the past. Move forward and start a new era. And era with Christ in my life and joy that overflows out of myself and onto other people. And even though there will be tough times, I will always remember that God loves me and is with me through it all. His hand print is on everything I do.
I have been doing so well that I also decided to volunteer at a horse rescue. I needed to do something that makes me happy and fills my days with something that allows me to find myself again. I believe this will be such good therapy for me. May1st is the volunteer orientation.
I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but I thought I should at least let you know where I was at in my world.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Bad day
Ugghh, I had a bad dream, which set the stage for a bad day. I hate that they can control me in a way that effects me negatively.
I dreamed that my old job asked me to come back after they already fired me. They said they weren't done with me yet, and thought I still had potential. They were wrong for firing me. I actually thought about going back. But I had to think about how unhappy I was, and the anxiety that place caused me. And I felt somehow empowered with the choice to say, "Thanks but no thanks." I mean they fired me once easily, which means they could do it again with ease. I remember telling her that I wasn't going to change, that my illness was going to be a problem, just like before and that I will still have lots of sick days. More then the average Joe. And she said she knew and I still didn't believe her. And I said no. I would not like to go back. It was not a healthy environment for me.
And then today, we've been on the phone with this particular company. You can't seem to get a hold of anyone that knows anything or can do anything right. It's frustrating to say the least. Today, I didn't pray for patience, because I used all that I had. But instead I pray for a resolution. This has gone on too long, and it's wearing on me.
Today the song of the day is.
Had a bad day -Song by Daniel Powter
I dreamed that my old job asked me to come back after they already fired me. They said they weren't done with me yet, and thought I still had potential. They were wrong for firing me. I actually thought about going back. But I had to think about how unhappy I was, and the anxiety that place caused me. And I felt somehow empowered with the choice to say, "Thanks but no thanks." I mean they fired me once easily, which means they could do it again with ease. I remember telling her that I wasn't going to change, that my illness was going to be a problem, just like before and that I will still have lots of sick days. More then the average Joe. And she said she knew and I still didn't believe her. And I said no. I would not like to go back. It was not a healthy environment for me.
And then today, we've been on the phone with this particular company. You can't seem to get a hold of anyone that knows anything or can do anything right. It's frustrating to say the least. Today, I didn't pray for patience, because I used all that I had. But instead I pray for a resolution. This has gone on too long, and it's wearing on me.
Today the song of the day is.
Had a bad day -Song by Daniel Powter
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
What does it mean to have Anxiety?
My homework for counseling this week was to think about anxiety, and what it means to me to have it. I only started to think about it last night, and I have to divulge that I feel overwhelmed even thinking about it. It's a feeling I know well, but why and where it comes from is a complete mystery to me. I think so many things can be a factor that I never bothered to think about where it stems from. It's too big of a thought. It's almost like asking myself where existence came from and discussing God in length. Sometimes it just hurts your brain. I know what I believe about God, but to actually try and "figure" God out, is a complete waste of time because I feel like we'll never touch even a fraction of what He is and can do. Thats how I feel about anxiety.
So know, here I am trying to figure out where anxiety comes from and I feel stumped.
I decided to start with the physical and biological feelings I get when I know "anxiety" is with me.
Feelings:
So know, here I am trying to figure out where anxiety comes from and I feel stumped.
I decided to start with the physical and biological feelings I get when I know "anxiety" is with me.
Feelings:
- Tensed up
- Heart tight and pounding hard
- A sense of dizziness in my chest
- A clamy feeling all over or heat wave all over
- Racing thoughts
- Heart fluttering
- Stomach uneasy
- Mixed emotions - Anger, Sadness, Worry.
What makes me anxious?
-Being in the presents of someone or people who think ill of me.
How do I know they don't like me?
-I don't know for sure. But I "feel it" or "sense" it. Sometimes I am wrong, Actually I am wrong a lot of the times.
Why am I anxious about being around someone who doesn't like me?
-I'm afraid of rejection. I want to run if I am feeling rejected. So I can leave them first before they leave me. I can stay in control, and minimize the pain I feel from loosing the person. I never hardly ever let them form their own opinion. I seem to taint it and skew it so that they end up really not liking me and then in the end rejecting me. I seem to impose these feelings on people.
Do I always leave?
-No. I've been able to keep some relationships going. But the other person has to be committed to standing by me through thick and thin. They have to know that I really am a good person and to stick with me when things get confusing for me. I seem to test them. To see if they really will stay. As if they have to pass a test. I make the air so uncomfortable that I assume they feel the comfortableness too, eventually leaving me because of the weirdness.
So maybe I create my own anxiety. And if I create my own anxiety, is it possible I can stop it? Can I also stop my relationship problems and confusions? Do I really hold my own key to get out of this vicious cycle or hurt and loss?
Well.... I am going to leave this for now. It's been a big exploration for me. I think I need to think about some of this.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Diary of a Schizophrenic
I was diagnosed early on to have Schizo affective disorder, and thankfully later on in life I was re-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From what I learned Schizo affective only got much much worse. Like every mental illness they all eventually go further down hill. The hope for a full recovery is so distant. I feel like bipolar is a slightly less diagnosis. But can be just as debilitating. Anyways, when I admitted myself to the Psych Hospital, I kept a journal. I started it just before I went in, and kept it up while I was in there. Here is an entry.
__________________________________________________________________________
Diary of a Schizophrenic:
10/21/01
I had yet another episode last night, called my mother and decided I can't do this anymore. I felt like I have not slept. Only 3 hours though. Woke up and couldn't stay put because I would wake my friend who came home to take care of me and help me. The voices continued all night. It was the sound of a party, large, many people talking, no music, just a huge room with many mumblings and conversations. They wouldn't let me hear. As if conspiring to take me over.
Here I am (in the hospital) in my own room inside my, "mental retreat". I feel oddly not alone, yet completely alone. People who are like me, finally. But everyone is in their own world. My heart is pounding, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. I just want to sleep. But I feel like everything is in fast forward with the volume on high. People are nice, but all have their own problems. I want to talk. I feel lonely. Currently looking for a companion I can trust. But I know it is not going to happen. They are all hear because they can't trust themselves either.
The sky is grey and dreary, like my heart. They took a sample of my urine to do tests. So that's nice. Dr.P works here. So when I do see him, on Nov 26th I will have a better idea, of what I don't know yet. I just wish my heart would stop beating so hard and fast, and my head would stop hurting.
I feel safe kind of. I feel like giving everyone a hug to thank them.
There are zebra's on the wall in the jungle portion of the lounge. I like them. They remind me of the horses in my life. Their eyes are kind and gentle, they do not judge or question their being, they just be. They work hard for their rider because they love them. But they receive the love in return. But the zebra stripes are dizzying. I can't focus on their beauty for too long at one time.
My head isn't hurting too bad now, but it comes and goes. Maybe when I think about it.
B. came and spoke with me. Very nice person. He is a mental health worker. He says he thinks he knows me, probably not though. I like that someone who takes time to talk to me.
Funny, I finally have what i want. Time. Time for me. Time for me to get well..
Went to grieve and loss group time and talked about Bay. Listened to a bunch of sh*t I don'[t need to hear. I wanted to walk out, but not be rude.
Made my first friend S. I like her. Dark brown curly hair, gentle eyes. H. another schizophrenic talked to me. Well I opened up the communication. And then they warned me of his inability to see boundaries. Great! Thanks! I coulda told me sooner. I just wanted to sleep. I am getting afraid again.
I laid down rested, maybe fell asleep. I don't know why I woke up, but I did. I felt sick to my stomach. So nauseous head hurts. I feel sad again.But the night is coming. I'm trying hard not to throw up.
____________________________________________________________________________
What I remember it was like was uncomfortable. They took things that were simple and meaningless to most people. Such as shoe laces. And they "tried" to take my necklace, something near and dear to me. People there looked much worse off them myself. And I felt that their sickness brought me further down. My delusions were awful at that time. Things like seeing children peeking in the glass slot on the door and laughing. I felt like their were cameras watching me through the fire sprinklers in the ceilings. The food was awful, and I didn't want to eat any of it. I just wanted to smoke. And they only let you smoke every hour, on the hour and thats it. I felt like it was just them trying to give normalcy back to people's lives who didn't know what normal was anymore. I had to admit myself another time about 6 months later, and vowed to never go back there even under my worst circumstances.
__________________________________________________________________________
Diary of a Schizophrenic:
10/21/01
I had yet another episode last night, called my mother and decided I can't do this anymore. I felt like I have not slept. Only 3 hours though. Woke up and couldn't stay put because I would wake my friend who came home to take care of me and help me. The voices continued all night. It was the sound of a party, large, many people talking, no music, just a huge room with many mumblings and conversations. They wouldn't let me hear. As if conspiring to take me over.
Here I am (in the hospital) in my own room inside my, "mental retreat". I feel oddly not alone, yet completely alone. People who are like me, finally. But everyone is in their own world. My heart is pounding, my head hurts, my eyes hurt. I just want to sleep. But I feel like everything is in fast forward with the volume on high. People are nice, but all have their own problems. I want to talk. I feel lonely. Currently looking for a companion I can trust. But I know it is not going to happen. They are all hear because they can't trust themselves either.
The sky is grey and dreary, like my heart. They took a sample of my urine to do tests. So that's nice. Dr.P works here. So when I do see him, on Nov 26th I will have a better idea, of what I don't know yet. I just wish my heart would stop beating so hard and fast, and my head would stop hurting.
I feel safe kind of. I feel like giving everyone a hug to thank them.
There are zebra's on the wall in the jungle portion of the lounge. I like them. They remind me of the horses in my life. Their eyes are kind and gentle, they do not judge or question their being, they just be. They work hard for their rider because they love them. But they receive the love in return. But the zebra stripes are dizzying. I can't focus on their beauty for too long at one time.
My head isn't hurting too bad now, but it comes and goes. Maybe when I think about it.
B. came and spoke with me. Very nice person. He is a mental health worker. He says he thinks he knows me, probably not though. I like that someone who takes time to talk to me.
Funny, I finally have what i want. Time. Time for me. Time for me to get well..
Went to grieve and loss group time and talked about Bay. Listened to a bunch of sh*t I don'[t need to hear. I wanted to walk out, but not be rude.
Made my first friend S. I like her. Dark brown curly hair, gentle eyes. H. another schizophrenic talked to me. Well I opened up the communication. And then they warned me of his inability to see boundaries. Great! Thanks! I coulda told me sooner. I just wanted to sleep. I am getting afraid again.
I laid down rested, maybe fell asleep. I don't know why I woke up, but I did. I felt sick to my stomach. So nauseous head hurts. I feel sad again.But the night is coming. I'm trying hard not to throw up.
____________________________________________________________________________
What I remember it was like was uncomfortable. They took things that were simple and meaningless to most people. Such as shoe laces. And they "tried" to take my necklace, something near and dear to me. People there looked much worse off them myself. And I felt that their sickness brought me further down. My delusions were awful at that time. Things like seeing children peeking in the glass slot on the door and laughing. I felt like their were cameras watching me through the fire sprinklers in the ceilings. The food was awful, and I didn't want to eat any of it. I just wanted to smoke. And they only let you smoke every hour, on the hour and thats it. I felt like it was just them trying to give normalcy back to people's lives who didn't know what normal was anymore. I had to admit myself another time about 6 months later, and vowed to never go back there even under my worst circumstances.
Friday, March 26, 2010
If you could change ONE thing - By random people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder
I posted this on a group website for those dealing with Bipolar Disorder and these are the responses I recieved:
If you could change one thing about your illness....
What would it be? If you had a chance to change something about it. A symptom, or situation or loss or gain. What would you change? You're not allowed to take it away.... only change ONE thing.
ME: I would change the fact that if I have children, they have a higher risk of living with this illness too. I would take away all the chances of my possible future children having to struggle with this painful and challenging illness. I don't know if I can stand back and watch them yo yo through life with pain and joy and pain again. I can handle it myself. I can do it, but I don't want them to have to suffer too.
Responce #1: I would change my hypomanic episodes to being euphoric rather than dysphoric so that I could get some kind of enjoyment out of them!
Response #2: there are a few things i'd change; suicidal thoughts, over sensative, being out of control..
Response #3: I would change my inabilty to process intellectual content. Was going to school to become a Jr. High math teacher and was an algebra tutor now I am unable to balance my own checkbook.
Response #4: Motivation - it's the very first thing to go when a depressive episode is coming on. Even a mild low. It wouldn't be so bad if I felt like crap but still had the motivation to get out of bed and function in life even a little bit. This makes me completely useless half the time!
Response#5: I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE THIS FEELING OF BEING LONELY. THINKING NOBODY LOVES YOU. LIKE YOUR ALL ALLONE IN THE WORLD. ALSO BRINGING THE FACT THAT NOW YOU ACT HAPPY. HATE YOURSELF FOR DOING THAT CAUSE YOU FELL LIKE A CHEAT,BUT ENDURE THE PERSONAL HATRED JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYBODY ELSE LOVES YOU
Response #6: I would get rid of the side-effects of my meds as I am able to control my symptoms well with my meds but my side-effects suck almost as bad as my illness.
Response #7: The question makes my mind whirl. I tried answering it yesterday and just kept deleting everything I wrote.
Response #8: I would want to change when I was diagnosed properly. I got my diagnosis when I was 40. I have had something wrong with me as long as I can remember. I've always known my brain worked differently than everyone around me but didn't know why. I started seeing doctors and therapists when I was 14 and kept getting the wrong diagnoses. Nothing they did was going to help because I was either take no medication or the wrong medication. A lot of wasted time, erratic behavior, severe depressions and psychotic manias later I know now why. I wish it would have been 20 years sooner.
Response #9: I would change the stigma around mental health and having to disclose that I'm Bipolar on job application forms. I'm no different now to how I was 6 years ago when I was a paramedic, I just have this label attached to me now and applying for a job they make up stupid reasons as to why I'm not shortlisted for interview. I'm quite stable on my meds and quite able to work if they would just give me a chance.
There were also a few that I did not get consent for that were simple to the point, and extremely painful to realize that someone feels such a way. It's amazing how some people can express themselves so well in only 2 words.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Art over past years
I'll try and take a photo of my best work, but I doubt I'll remember.
Thanks and Enjoy.
New Look, Same Great Taste!
Just learning how to do some things with my blog. I found this template and really liked it. I hope it helps you navigate through my blog easier. Explore a bit. Let me know what you think.
Thanks
-Mel
Thanks
-Mel
Me, Myself and God
How do I start this? I could say that I knew God, but got lost and was eventually saved again and He is in my life now. That would be accurate, but everything that makes this story, my story, significant is the difficult “stuff” in between. With out the difficult “stuff” the good would not simply be as good. I would not appreciate where I was in life today with out having gone through the things I did.
When I was around 15 I was highly involved in youth group and people who genuinely cared about me. I was beginning to learn what it was like to have God in my life. I was also learning what God was like. He was a Father, a Teacher, a Friend, and a Creator. How could I not love my own creator? Because the truth was pointing me to one thing. Christianity was the “Right way” to go. So I went. I was baptized in a small pond that was owned by someone in the church. There was several other people who were being baptized as well. There was food and a celebration. There was joy. There was worship. There was happiness. How I lost that Joy I have no idea. How I could have willingly walked away from that joy I will never know.
My teen years were harder then most from my point of view. But perhaps from everyone’s own point of view their teen years were the hardest too. I really can’t say for sure that mine were harder then most, but it sure felt like it. It was surly not hard because of my family life. Family life for me was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for more. Although my Dad was not present for most of my childhood years, I learned to accept him and his faults even though he wasn’t the greatest Dad. Yes that effected me, but it didn’t bother me to the extent high school and social life did. I was teased by kids, but I believe I put myself in the position to be teased. I was called a “spaz”. I don’t know why they used the word spaz, and it doesn’t really matter. I was always, I mean always the butt of jokes. I can’t tell you how tired I was of that. I was an intelligent person even at 16. I was also much more mature then the average teen. People would come to my mom and tell her that I was so mature for my age. I was working as a ranch had before I could even drive so that I could feed my horses. The responsibility I had for my horses made me grow up fast because they relied on me for everything.
Somehow along the way, I got caught up on the internet. I started chatting to strangers and made friends across the world. One was from the Midwest, another from Sweden , one from Australia , and one from England . I would spend all my free time chatting, conversing and creating friendships that were not even real. It was easier to be myself there, then in real life. I eventually met someone from Pakistan . And though part of me wishes I never met him, I am partly happy because he taught me a very hard lesson.
I am going to call him Joe. Joe and I started talking. A friendship grew into something more serious. We talked on the phone, and chatted for hours. I thought he was a kind person with good intentions. I was sadly mistaken. Over the course of 3 years I was controlled in ways that is hard to believe. Someone from across the world was able to make me disown my Christian beliefs and take on their Muslim beliefs. I was so serious about my new found religion that I became vegetarian because I could not buy “blessed meat” also known as “Halal meat”. To make a long painful story shorter and more bearable I will just say that I was brainwashed. My current beliefs were torn down and in place of the old his ideas and ways of living were planted and Joe sat back and watched them grow. I saw and experienced dark things that a young adult should never have to. It was hard, hurtful and dark point in my life. Although I thought that God was more present in my life then ever. I later felt abandoned and wondered why he would let me stray so far away from the path of Light. The path of God. His path.
When I finally reached a point in life that I was strong enough to realize that this was wrong and that Joe was not a good person. I ended all contact with him. And started to put my life back together. Figuring out who I was, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had forgotten who I was. I was so angry with God. Not angry enough to say he didn’t exist, but Angry enough to have resentment, and look at him as not my friend. I viewed God as a careless hurtful Creator who made his subjects and then left them to fend for themselves.
After a few years of that anger and resentment, I happened to meet Tyson. Tyson and I dated for about a 8 months or so and then he announced to me that he was going to rejoin the church and become active again. That he wanted God in his life again. I looked at him shocked and terrified. He knew how I felt about God. He knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with a radical religious person. It was ok to be around people who had luke warm spiritual ideas and beliefs, but absolutely not organized religion.
After a few mins passed by and we talked about his decision, I realized that I needed to heal my broken heart. That the anger was not ok to be living with. So I thought that I would join him occasionally to church and slowly take this path with him. I was cautious, and scared to my core.
We went to Fiddletown Church and I remember thinking how nice all of these people were, and ever time I returned, they were even more pleasant and genuine. I made friendships and started to join in and slowly but surely God healed my heart.
Tyson and I got married and though God and Christianity was part of my life then, I didn’t truly know how God would be working in my life, and I certainly didn’t even know what he was doing then in my life.
Recently I had the chance to look back on my life and see how God was with me and working in my life even in my darkest moments. He wanted me to be tested and so he tested me. And though I left him once, I did come back. And that is the ultimate show of Love in his Eyes. The act of willingly accepting Him in your life wholeheartedly. To know that there ARE other paths that are not God’s way, but that Christ is the BEST PATH.. And to believe and know that JESUS is the only Way, and the only Light.
This is what God did in my life
*Showed me his way
*Showed me that I have my own will to walk away from him
*Showed me that Anger and resentment is poison to the soul
*Gave me Tyson who opened my heart to God again
*Gave me a choice to come back to him and accepted me when I did
*Gave me Tyson’s family to make my life more full
*Took away the entire side of my Father’s family but in return enforced that God gave me Tyson’s family to replace them. A family that was healthier for me and certainly more loving.
*God prepared me to loose connections with the entire side of my Dad’s family, but he prepared me leading up to it so that I could cope and not feel empty, but see that I had what was best for me. People that loved me where in my life.
And here I am today, God still working in my life, and even though I sometimes can’t see the whole plan, I know that he is always working with me and guiding me on the path that is His Path.
Thank you God for accepting me and forgiving me.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Taken...or given?
Had a counseling session yesterday. It was hard on me. It seemed when I needed her the most, she pulled away. She wanted me to realize that she wasn't going to be there all the time for me to bounce ideas off of. She wanted me to learn how to dissect things on my own. By the end of the session I was mentally tired. Like I had been doing a ton of math problems. We talked about boundaries and that it wasn't so much friends crossing them, but I myself was crossing them, and then expecting a certain response from the friend. And when I didn't get the response I was hurt. And then I felt taken advantage of.. I learned that if I give or offer something I need to not expect anything back, not even a thank you. She also gave me a some good advice. She said to look at the "boundaries" like a friendly neighbor fence with a gate that goes both ways, and not an uncrossable brick wall. There is no cross and die, but more of an ebb and flow.There was a ton of other information in that session that was useful. Some of which I came up with myself. But I'd like to go to my dream last night.
I dreamed it was Christmas Eve, the store we were at was warm and decorated. And the family kept making little mean hurtful remarks to me or about me. Like I was the butt of the joke. I got tired of it and blew up. I screamed and cried and told them how I was sick of them saying mean things about me. I told them I had had enough and they needed to stop already. I went outside and sat on the step. A cop car drove by after a while and slowed near me. My family obviously called the cop on me and the cop must have been making sure I wasn't causing problems. After a long while my family came out, and I was stuck having to ride with them. As soon as they came outside, a swarm of teenagers and a few young children around age 7 came around us. They were certainly up to no good. I saw this young 6 year old starting to pull out a gun as I argued for the teen to move and let us pass. I saw the child and I guess through osmosis I knew his name. His name was Sumir. A middle eastern name of course. Of course it had to be a middle eastern name. I went to the child and begged him to stop and hang on just one min. I told him, if he put the gun away, I would give him and them what ever they wanted as long as they left my family alone. I immediately started to take my sweater off, as it was cold and put it on him. I helped his tiny arms through the sleeves and pulled the big sweater over his head. He smiled and walked off in agreement. I looked around and screamed what else do you people want from me? A person came up and said they wanted my hair to be cut off. So I thought for a second and realized if I let them cut it, I would have no hair left. It was tied back in a braid and I took my husbands knife from his belt loop and sliced the braid off, leaving enough hair to fix. I threw it at the young teenager who grinned with happiness that my feelings were hurt. However, I knew this girl. I knew here because she was a friend who I had met recently, and I cared very much about. But she took something near and dear from me. I screamed for the next demand and one stepped forward and said they wanted my cell phone. I said fine after a pause of deliberating and remembering my agreement, "but I want my sim card.". I didn't know how to take it out, and someone assisted me and I gave it to them. I asked for the next demand again. Someone walked up towards me and gave me a big hug. I thought they were being nice because they saw how hard it was on me, and then he grabbed my butt. So I stood there, and then pushed him away, and asked if there was anything else. No one said anything. My family started to clear and pack into the car. And I sat back down on the step. Sobbing.... taken..... and used.
The girl who had taken my hair came to me and she had tears rolling down her cheek. She asked me "Did you write this?" and showed me a letter I had written a few days ago to her and it told her how grateful I was to have her in my life, and that having her in my life made things different and better for me. I told her how I appreciated her friendship and hoped we kept being this close forever. She said no one had ever wrote something like this before.
And then I woke up.
So did I give these things? Or were they taken?
I think that I offered, in order to save my family. But I expected them to respond in a way that made them realize how great of a person I was for sacrificing myself. When I didn't receive that kind of reaction I was disappointed. Then later that girl came up and felt bad for taking my lock of hair. She came to me at her own time. And though she couldn't respond the way I wanted, she did appreciate me for the letter. Something entirely different then the lock of hair situation.
I dreamed it was Christmas Eve, the store we were at was warm and decorated. And the family kept making little mean hurtful remarks to me or about me. Like I was the butt of the joke. I got tired of it and blew up. I screamed and cried and told them how I was sick of them saying mean things about me. I told them I had had enough and they needed to stop already. I went outside and sat on the step. A cop car drove by after a while and slowed near me. My family obviously called the cop on me and the cop must have been making sure I wasn't causing problems. After a long while my family came out, and I was stuck having to ride with them. As soon as they came outside, a swarm of teenagers and a few young children around age 7 came around us. They were certainly up to no good. I saw this young 6 year old starting to pull out a gun as I argued for the teen to move and let us pass. I saw the child and I guess through osmosis I knew his name. His name was Sumir. A middle eastern name of course. Of course it had to be a middle eastern name. I went to the child and begged him to stop and hang on just one min. I told him, if he put the gun away, I would give him and them what ever they wanted as long as they left my family alone. I immediately started to take my sweater off, as it was cold and put it on him. I helped his tiny arms through the sleeves and pulled the big sweater over his head. He smiled and walked off in agreement. I looked around and screamed what else do you people want from me? A person came up and said they wanted my hair to be cut off. So I thought for a second and realized if I let them cut it, I would have no hair left. It was tied back in a braid and I took my husbands knife from his belt loop and sliced the braid off, leaving enough hair to fix. I threw it at the young teenager who grinned with happiness that my feelings were hurt. However, I knew this girl. I knew here because she was a friend who I had met recently, and I cared very much about. But she took something near and dear from me. I screamed for the next demand and one stepped forward and said they wanted my cell phone. I said fine after a pause of deliberating and remembering my agreement, "but I want my sim card.". I didn't know how to take it out, and someone assisted me and I gave it to them. I asked for the next demand again. Someone walked up towards me and gave me a big hug. I thought they were being nice because they saw how hard it was on me, and then he grabbed my butt. So I stood there, and then pushed him away, and asked if there was anything else. No one said anything. My family started to clear and pack into the car. And I sat back down on the step. Sobbing.... taken..... and used.
The girl who had taken my hair came to me and she had tears rolling down her cheek. She asked me "Did you write this?" and showed me a letter I had written a few days ago to her and it told her how grateful I was to have her in my life, and that having her in my life made things different and better for me. I told her how I appreciated her friendship and hoped we kept being this close forever. She said no one had ever wrote something like this before.
And then I woke up.
So did I give these things? Or were they taken?
I think that I offered, in order to save my family. But I expected them to respond in a way that made them realize how great of a person I was for sacrificing myself. When I didn't receive that kind of reaction I was disappointed. Then later that girl came up and felt bad for taking my lock of hair. She came to me at her own time. And though she couldn't respond the way I wanted, she did appreciate me for the letter. Something entirely different then the lock of hair situation.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Boundaries, Duh!
Whoa! I so do not know how to set healthy boundaries. I am a people pleaser to a fault. I am so afraid of rejection that I will stomp on myself to make sure others like me. Why would they like me, if I don't treat myself with respect? A friendship that is in my life right now keeps coming up and biting me in the butt. I keep putting myself out there, dropping my boundaries and yes, it keeps slapping me in the face. I realized a few weeks ago that I need boundaries and when I set them up, the person freaked out. So here I am, getting taken advantage off, and to make matters worse I allowed myself to experience a sad, difficult thing today in order to make things easier on them. And here I am suffering from the experience.
At least I am on Step 1. Realizing I have a boundary problem.
and I am on Step 2. Working on setting healthy boundaries
and I need to move on to Step 3. Maintaining healthy boundaries
It's so frusterating. I feel like I give to much to others and I am left with less for myself. Less of everything. This is by far the first time, and I am sure it will not be the last. I just really really really REALLY hope that I will figure out how to create and keep boundaries that make me more healthy.
Anyone have any suggestions? I could use some advice.
At least I am on Step 1. Realizing I have a boundary problem.
and I am on Step 2. Working on setting healthy boundaries
and I need to move on to Step 3. Maintaining healthy boundaries
It's so frusterating. I feel like I give to much to others and I am left with less for myself. Less of everything. This is by far the first time, and I am sure it will not be the last. I just really really really REALLY hope that I will figure out how to create and keep boundaries that make me more healthy.
Anyone have any suggestions? I could use some advice.
Sleepless nights adding up
I've been finding that my sleep has been more disturbed lately. I really want to go to bed, but when I get there, I simply can not sleep. So I get up. Why bother laying in bed wishing I was asleep when I could be blogging? Sounds like a better choice to me.
I have nothing to talk about. That is the problem here!!!!! Spring is blooming everywhere around me here in California. Flowers taint the air with their fresh sweet smell, and the greenery is everywhere the eye can see. The hills are covered with new spring grass. The trees are budding their leaves and her I am awake. Awake like a snake who's eyes never close.
We've planted plants in our yard. So far carrots and corn sprouted. I'm a little bit concerned about the carrots being to close together though. My first year growing carrots. So we'll see how they turn out.
So here I am nothing to talk about and a ton of time on my hands to talk about it.
-Signing off maybe I'll think of something later
I have nothing to talk about. That is the problem here!!!!! Spring is blooming everywhere around me here in California. Flowers taint the air with their fresh sweet smell, and the greenery is everywhere the eye can see. The hills are covered with new spring grass. The trees are budding their leaves and her I am awake. Awake like a snake who's eyes never close.
We've planted plants in our yard. So far carrots and corn sprouted. I'm a little bit concerned about the carrots being to close together though. My first year growing carrots. So we'll see how they turn out.
So here I am nothing to talk about and a ton of time on my hands to talk about it.
-Signing off maybe I'll think of something later
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hi My Name is Melanie!
Hi everyone,
I was just thinking how I feel like I'm only talking to myself and a few select people. I would love to hear from who ever is visiting and reading my life story and journey. If you have a comment, please feel free to post them below the blog posting for the day. I feel a little bit lonely here, and like I'm talking to myself. I also feel like I'm running out of things to talk about (that are interesting anyways).
Also if you don't have an opinion or comment, just leave a comment to introduce yourself and say hi below.
I hope you've been enjoying my writing.
-Mel
I was just thinking how I feel like I'm only talking to myself and a few select people. I would love to hear from who ever is visiting and reading my life story and journey. If you have a comment, please feel free to post them below the blog posting for the day. I feel a little bit lonely here, and like I'm talking to myself. I also feel like I'm running out of things to talk about (that are interesting anyways).
Also if you don't have an opinion or comment, just leave a comment to introduce yourself and say hi below.
I hope you've been enjoying my writing.
-Mel
Labels:
feedback,
introduce yourself,
talking to myself
Friday, March 12, 2010
Developmental Stages and Me
I had a session today with a counselor. During the session a huge light bulb went off. I was talking about the trauma that had occurred in my life, (the relationship with the Pakistani talked about previously in my blog) and how it effected me today. I was talking about the age range it occurred and the guilt I had felt because of it. As if being the victim wasn't enough, I was now also responsible for the perpetrator's actions. I realized that I needed to forgive myself for being innocent and mailable. I need to really honestly truly realized that I was impressionable. And move forward and leave the negative emotions that I relive behind.
After we were done with the topic, she said, "I find it interesting that this occurred during the time when you were developing social skills and relationships. And now, you have been struggling with them ever since." So what did I do? I ran home and googled developmental stages and trauma. I also looked at what can happen if trauma occures in the stages, and what can happen psychologically to the individual if it doesn't form correctly, or is hindered, or cracked along the way.
With everything I struggle with socially, my findings made so much sense.
Erik Erikson's Therory as follows:
From what I gather is if this stage is malformed, formed wrongly, or is damaged in this area and not completely healthy then the outcome can be "Fanaticism" or "Repudiation".
The definitions are:
Fanaticism is a belief or behavior involving uncritical zeal,
From the above link, I gather unwavering passion. Also a fanatic. No matter what happens you are a "fan" of something.
Repudiation may refer to:Disownment, the formal act by which a parent forcibly renounces his child
or
repudiated : disowned, rejected as untrue or unjust
or
repudiation: The refusal, especially by public authorities, to acknowledge a contract or debt.
From what I gather, the fanaticism doesn't really fit. However, I do grab on to things and stick with them believe wise. But I wouldn't call myself a fanatic by any means with any thing.
The repudiation makes more sense. That I feel rejected, and have a fear of being rejected. I feel invalid and I de-validate myself constantly. I lessen myself in order to make others more comfortable. And I also severely feel rejected by authority figures. I feel like I don't get acknowledgement and just plain negative attention.
I feel like this makes so much sense. I wish I had better definitions of repudiation. I had to pull from several locations to make sense of it. I think it is talking about a more formal manor then what I experience. But I am assuming it's the same?
I hope this helps someone who is reading this. Perhaps if you are struggling with something and have had some sort of trauma, even divorce, do some research and see what area of yourself was developing at the time the trauma occurred. It helped me.
Good luck.
After we were done with the topic, she said, "I find it interesting that this occurred during the time when you were developing social skills and relationships. And now, you have been struggling with them ever since." So what did I do? I ran home and googled developmental stages and trauma. I also looked at what can happen if trauma occures in the stages, and what can happen psychologically to the individual if it doesn't form correctly, or is hindered, or cracked along the way.
With everything I struggle with socially, my findings made so much sense.
Erik Erikson's Therory as follows:
5. Adolescence: 12 to 18 Years
Ego Development Outcome: Identity vs. Role Confusion
Basic Strengths: Devotion and Fidelity
Up to this stage, according to Erikson, development mostly depends upon what is done to us. From here on out, development depends primarily upon what we do. And while adolescence is a stage at which we are neither a child nor an adult, life is definitely getting more complex as we attempt to find our own identity, struggle with social interactions, and grapple with moral issues.
Our task is to discover who we are as individuals separate from our family of origin and as members of a wider society. Unfortunately for those around us, in this process many of us go into a period of withdrawing from responsibilities, which Erikson called a "moratorium." And if we are unsuccessful in navigating this stage, we will experience role confusion and upheaval.
A significant task for us is to establish a philosophy of life and in this process we tend to think in terms of ideals, which are conflict free, rather than reality, which is not. The problem is that we don't have much experience and find it easy to substitute ideals for experience. However, we can also develop strong devotion to friends and causes.
It is no surprise that our most significant relationships are with peer groups.
5. Identity v Role Confusion | Puberty and Genitality | adolescent / peers, groups, influences / resolving identity and direction, becoming a grown-up | Produces: Fidelity and Devotion | Malformation produces: Fanaticism /Repudiation |
From what I gather is if this stage is malformed, formed wrongly, or is damaged in this area and not completely healthy then the outcome can be "Fanaticism" or "Repudiation".
The definitions are:
Fanaticism is a belief or behavior involving uncritical zeal,
From the above link, I gather unwavering passion. Also a fanatic. No matter what happens you are a "fan" of something.
Repudiation may refer to:Disownment, the formal act by which a parent forcibly renounces his child
or
repudiated : disowned, rejected as untrue or unjust
or
repudiation: The refusal, especially by public authorities, to acknowledge a contract or debt.
From what I gather, the fanaticism doesn't really fit. However, I do grab on to things and stick with them believe wise. But I wouldn't call myself a fanatic by any means with any thing.
The repudiation makes more sense. That I feel rejected, and have a fear of being rejected. I feel invalid and I de-validate myself constantly. I lessen myself in order to make others more comfortable. And I also severely feel rejected by authority figures. I feel like I don't get acknowledgement and just plain negative attention.
I feel like this makes so much sense. I wish I had better definitions of repudiation. I had to pull from several locations to make sense of it. I think it is talking about a more formal manor then what I experience. But I am assuming it's the same?
I hope this helps someone who is reading this. Perhaps if you are struggling with something and have had some sort of trauma, even divorce, do some research and see what area of yourself was developing at the time the trauma occurred. It helped me.
Good luck.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I'm fat so I'm watching my weight?
Ok what?!! Just to clarify things I would like to share that yes, I am overweight. In fact I am very overweight. However, my views on dieting are just that. I DON'T DIET. I found out that the more I dieted, the more I yo-yoed and after I quit "dieting" I would gain it all back and then some. So I vowed to never diet again. I have a major severe mental block about dieting because of my past struggles surrounding food and body image. I realized that I needed a more healthy way to approach this problem.
Recently I decided I was sick of not being able to move well. Not being able to be very active, and a lack of general ability to stretch and also keep up my stamina. Around the same time I realized that what I was eating, was not the best of foods. Please keep in mind I am not a hard core fast food eater, I am simply talking about pesticides, perservatives, processed foods, red meats, and things of this matter. Things that you think may be healthy, but really are not. This started with sugar. In particular "fake sugar". Things like sweet and low, equal, aspartame, high fructose corn syrupe, and splenda. I understand that many people would bulk at the "splenda" in there. But to be frank, splenda is altered and changed by humans. Splenda is not of this earth. Nor did God make it like this for us to eat. We made it. Simple as that. I believed that 5 years down the road we will probably change our minds and say, "Splenda is not healthy for you after all - Millions get cancer because of splenda". Or some weird medical condition will be linked to splenda, "the healthy alternative".
So my first choice was to go back to the Earth. I started with sugar. I returned to cane sugar (real sugar). I also adopted honey, and agave nectar. All of which are delicious, and real. God made all of these things. Although the sugar has to be harvested to make granuales. It is still real. Sugar in the raw is even better, but more expensive. Please keep in mind this is my own opinion. Then I moved on to meat. I really don't even like meat. I find that I make it, and then choke it down. I enjoy fish, and dark meat chicken. I really don't care for beef or pork. So, I decided to cut down on what my body was telling me not to eat. Not because some doctor on T.V. told me it was bad for me, but because my BODY told me it didn't want much of that stuff. So I try to stick with chicken, and small portions of red meat and pork. I really try to avoid them. On top of the sugar and meat, when I do have money, I now try to by organic things. I don't always. But thats the whole point. I don't HAVE TO. But I WANT TO! I can't always afford the more expensive bananas, but I try to. I try to by the organic carrots, but I don't have to. I am not breaking any rules if I can't afford it, or don't get it that particular time.
A few months after that I decided I wanted to be more active. I wanted to have a goal to work towards. I kept saying I would move, and kept putting it off. So I thought to myself, "I'll make a goal.". When I thought about how I should make my goal. I thought about the complete opposite of what I wanted to accomplish. The first thing that came to me was Thanksgiving day! I can tell you each and every one of my family members eat far too much. It came to me that instead of sitting around munching on food, while our feast is being made, I could instead, "Walk to feed the hungry". So I began my journey. I started to walk, climb bleachers, and ride the bike around town with my husband. I feel better, I feel like I can move better. I enjoy feeling the adrenalin rush. The problem is I have trouble with the diligence and discipline. That is something I have to work on.
I knew that my body was going to have a hard time. So I first went to the doctor and talked to her about my exercised induced asthma that I was diagnosed with when I was a teenager. She gave me tips and an inhaler to use prior to working out. That helps me a tremendous amount. It opens up my airway, and it doesn't take forever to recover like it used to. I can actually walk, and talk. It's nice!
Right now I am working on getting the right pair of shoes for my feet. I know that I am going to run up against pain and injuries and things of this sort on my feet, calves, and knees. So I want to give myself a head start. The shoes I have are either bad, or better, but not great. The shoes I want are expensive, but also Great! They are Solomon Trail-Runners. What I like about them the most is that they keep my ankles from rolling outward, because they are made to stabilize your feet for uneven surfaces. Even though I am walking on even surface, I need support like that!
My story was supposed to tell you about how this person offered me a sucker, but said she didn't want to be a bad influence on me. I thought to myself why would you be a bad influence on me? It hit me that because she thought I was "watching my weight", which I am so not watching anything, I just want to feel better, and it's even more funny that she didn't even know any of this about me. So she thought that eating a sucker in my "condition" would be bad, very very bad.
No I'm not watching my weight, I am just fat!
P.S. Please support my cause Run To Feed The Hungry
Recently I decided I was sick of not being able to move well. Not being able to be very active, and a lack of general ability to stretch and also keep up my stamina. Around the same time I realized that what I was eating, was not the best of foods. Please keep in mind I am not a hard core fast food eater, I am simply talking about pesticides, perservatives, processed foods, red meats, and things of this matter. Things that you think may be healthy, but really are not. This started with sugar. In particular "fake sugar". Things like sweet and low, equal, aspartame, high fructose corn syrupe, and splenda. I understand that many people would bulk at the "splenda" in there. But to be frank, splenda is altered and changed by humans. Splenda is not of this earth. Nor did God make it like this for us to eat. We made it. Simple as that. I believed that 5 years down the road we will probably change our minds and say, "Splenda is not healthy for you after all - Millions get cancer because of splenda". Or some weird medical condition will be linked to splenda, "the healthy alternative".
So my first choice was to go back to the Earth. I started with sugar. I returned to cane sugar (real sugar). I also adopted honey, and agave nectar. All of which are delicious, and real. God made all of these things. Although the sugar has to be harvested to make granuales. It is still real. Sugar in the raw is even better, but more expensive. Please keep in mind this is my own opinion. Then I moved on to meat. I really don't even like meat. I find that I make it, and then choke it down. I enjoy fish, and dark meat chicken. I really don't care for beef or pork. So, I decided to cut down on what my body was telling me not to eat. Not because some doctor on T.V. told me it was bad for me, but because my BODY told me it didn't want much of that stuff. So I try to stick with chicken, and small portions of red meat and pork. I really try to avoid them. On top of the sugar and meat, when I do have money, I now try to by organic things. I don't always. But thats the whole point. I don't HAVE TO. But I WANT TO! I can't always afford the more expensive bananas, but I try to. I try to by the organic carrots, but I don't have to. I am not breaking any rules if I can't afford it, or don't get it that particular time.
A few months after that I decided I wanted to be more active. I wanted to have a goal to work towards. I kept saying I would move, and kept putting it off. So I thought to myself, "I'll make a goal.". When I thought about how I should make my goal. I thought about the complete opposite of what I wanted to accomplish. The first thing that came to me was Thanksgiving day! I can tell you each and every one of my family members eat far too much. It came to me that instead of sitting around munching on food, while our feast is being made, I could instead, "Walk to feed the hungry". So I began my journey. I started to walk, climb bleachers, and ride the bike around town with my husband. I feel better, I feel like I can move better. I enjoy feeling the adrenalin rush. The problem is I have trouble with the diligence and discipline. That is something I have to work on.
I knew that my body was going to have a hard time. So I first went to the doctor and talked to her about my exercised induced asthma that I was diagnosed with when I was a teenager. She gave me tips and an inhaler to use prior to working out. That helps me a tremendous amount. It opens up my airway, and it doesn't take forever to recover like it used to. I can actually walk, and talk. It's nice!
Right now I am working on getting the right pair of shoes for my feet. I know that I am going to run up against pain and injuries and things of this sort on my feet, calves, and knees. So I want to give myself a head start. The shoes I have are either bad, or better, but not great. The shoes I want are expensive, but also Great! They are Solomon Trail-Runners. What I like about them the most is that they keep my ankles from rolling outward, because they are made to stabilize your feet for uneven surfaces. Even though I am walking on even surface, I need support like that!
My story was supposed to tell you about how this person offered me a sucker, but said she didn't want to be a bad influence on me. I thought to myself why would you be a bad influence on me? It hit me that because she thought I was "watching my weight", which I am so not watching anything, I just want to feel better, and it's even more funny that she didn't even know any of this about me. So she thought that eating a sucker in my "condition" would be bad, very very bad.
No I'm not watching my weight, I am just fat!
P.S. Please support my cause Run To Feed The Hungry
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sudden burst of sadness
I've been finding that simple things are choking me up. I've managed to choke back the tears, but my throat gets all closed up and I feel the sensations around my eyes welling up.
These things are so silly. I was telling my husband about this movie, and as I was telling him about it, the feelings increased. So I stopped talking and moved on to a new topic. It's happened to me several times today. I'm not sure why, but I do know that something as simple as a commercial or song can trigger this physical reaction right now.
I'd really rather not be so sensitive about things like this. It's just a movie I've only seen 10 times and I happen to own. It's only a song I've heard countless times, and managed my eyes to stay dry. But why all of a sudden these things are kicking up tears. That I do not know. Perhaps I'm coming down from a "mania episode". I really am not sure.
These things are so silly. I was telling my husband about this movie, and as I was telling him about it, the feelings increased. So I stopped talking and moved on to a new topic. It's happened to me several times today. I'm not sure why, but I do know that something as simple as a commercial or song can trigger this physical reaction right now.
I'd really rather not be so sensitive about things like this. It's just a movie I've only seen 10 times and I happen to own. It's only a song I've heard countless times, and managed my eyes to stay dry. But why all of a sudden these things are kicking up tears. That I do not know. Perhaps I'm coming down from a "mania episode". I really am not sure.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
When it's good, it's great. When it's bad, it's just plain bad.
So I keep thinking about this blog, and not knowing what I should write. One thing I hate about medication is it removes so many "thoughts and feelings". What I mean by that is not that I am a zombie. I mean that there are just less of everything. It sometimes frustrates me because when I need them or want them, they are just simply not there. Like when I want to console someone, sometimes I seem to lack emotion. It's frustrating to me right now, because I feel like there is nothing to write about. When only 2 or 3 weeks ago I could have written about the air and came up with enormous emotions and feelings regarding the air.
So I thought why not write about my inability to think of anything to write about. Huh. Talk about a way to kick writers block I guess. Thats deffiantly one way to do it.
I want to emphasize that this particular medication does not make me feel like I am walking around in a zombie fog. In fact I feel very well, and happy right now. I just don't feel a ton of emotion I guess. Right now my brain is in the train of filing, organizing, cleaning, and doing things. Not feeling things. Partly this is good. Productive, but I just feel a little bit not like myself. Perhaps this is what they call mania? I have been having trouble sleeping. I did re-organize my entire office, and I have been extraordinary productive. Well, I guess that is something to think about. I'll keep that in mind.
So besides me feeling thoughtless, lately, my meals have been really bad. They kind of remind me of slop. HA! So tonight I put extra effort into making something tasty with what I had in the house. It turned out nice. Chicken, mashed potato's, gravy and some veggies. Pat on the back for a job well done.
Well I'm off for now. Just wanted to let you know what was going on inside my little head. - A whole lotta nothin!
Have a blessed weekend guys!
So I thought why not write about my inability to think of anything to write about. Huh. Talk about a way to kick writers block I guess. Thats deffiantly one way to do it.
I want to emphasize that this particular medication does not make me feel like I am walking around in a zombie fog. In fact I feel very well, and happy right now. I just don't feel a ton of emotion I guess. Right now my brain is in the train of filing, organizing, cleaning, and doing things. Not feeling things. Partly this is good. Productive, but I just feel a little bit not like myself. Perhaps this is what they call mania? I have been having trouble sleeping. I did re-organize my entire office, and I have been extraordinary productive. Well, I guess that is something to think about. I'll keep that in mind.
So besides me feeling thoughtless, lately, my meals have been really bad. They kind of remind me of slop. HA! So tonight I put extra effort into making something tasty with what I had in the house. It turned out nice. Chicken, mashed potato's, gravy and some veggies. Pat on the back for a job well done.
Well I'm off for now. Just wanted to let you know what was going on inside my little head. - A whole lotta nothin!
Have a blessed weekend guys!
Labels:
Medication,
productive,
thoughtless,
writers block
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Sleepless in the Office......
So I started and finished reorganizing the office. Let me tell you that is a big job. I ended up not being able to sleep. I was still thinking about odds and ends that I left unfinished and couldn't stand it really. I also just couldn't get into the sleepy time mode. I finished most of it during the evening, but the last couple of hours I went through ALL of my files and threw away everything old and not needed anymore. I also made a more through filing system. I love being efficient sometimes! It's really a positive productive time when I am in an organizing mood.
Anyways, bad news is now I am awake and it's 2am. Again, I can't seem to sleep. I don't really want to even be awake right now. So I don't think I'm going to get really deep into this post here. I'll just drink some bedtime tea, and relax and hopefully get sleepy enough. I hope it works.
Maybe I'll put together a new music line up for you guys. Sorry I'm not that exciting tonight.
Oh... by the way, I have a very important meeting/appointment on Friday. Tomorrow really, because it's now Thursday. But whatever, Wednesday night, Thursday morning. It's pretty much all the same right?
Anyways, bad news is now I am awake and it's 2am. Again, I can't seem to sleep. I don't really want to even be awake right now. So I don't think I'm going to get really deep into this post here. I'll just drink some bedtime tea, and relax and hopefully get sleepy enough. I hope it works.
Maybe I'll put together a new music line up for you guys. Sorry I'm not that exciting tonight.
Oh... by the way, I have a very important meeting/appointment on Friday. Tomorrow really, because it's now Thursday. But whatever, Wednesday night, Thursday morning. It's pretty much all the same right?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Yogi Wisdom of the Day
Yogi is a brand of health food. I fell in love with their tea this last year, and can't get enough of it. They have "fortunes" on the end of their tea bags. I guess they are really called Yogi Wisdom.
So today my Yogi wisdom reads: " You are infinite."
Thank you Yogi Tea for you lovely flavors and delicious wisdom.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Waiting for the ball to drop
I've been feeling so good lately, but I can't help but think that there is something bad coming. I hate that I feel this way. But I do. I feel like it's almost too good to be true right now. I feel great, perhaps I'm manic, but I highly doubt it. I think that I felt so bad for so long that my new normal was lowered a few notches. So when I try to gage my happiness and sadness, it seems higher, only because my standard has lowered.
I am trying to hard so enjoy this moment. I am trying so hard to try not to fall back into the past what-evers....the past memories, the past thoughts, the past feelings, or past failures or what ever that is in the past that might bring be down. I'm slowly learning how to live in the moment. I feel that only the ability to do this has come with age. I think we know how to do this as children, but as we grow up we become jaded and fall into the past or future. Meanwhile we forget the "Now". So... right now, I am struggling to realize that right NOW I feel better. A month ago was a month ago. Today is today. And right now I am living today.
I wish that some people could understand how my brain works. Just to live it for a day, boy what a movie my brain would make. It's like a sling shot that is constantly pointing and sometimes slinging my thoughts to the past. I find myself struggling with that all the time. Sometimes daily.
I sometimes feel like a broken record, always going over the past events, always trying to figure out where and what I did wrong. Honestly, I don't think I could have done most of it any better, but the perfectionist in me looks back and tries to "fix it", as if I actually could.
For example, something that happened to me the night before last. I was getting ready for bed, laying down with my dog, and all of a sudden my brain weasels it's way into the past when I wasn't paying attention, and I could here his voice so clearly it scared me. The un-nameable person I am speaking of is the person from Pakistan that I wrote about previously. The remembrance of his voice makes me cringe and the feeling of sickness comes over me. And at that moment, my mind re-created his voice as if it was him in the phone which was against my ear. This wasn't a audio hallucination guys... seriously, come on give me a little credit. No, but in all honesty it was so vivid in my head and memory. Just the way he sounded, and the subtle ways he controlled me echoed in his voice. ehhhh.....I can't think about it anymore.
Anyways, my point being is that no matter how hard I try, my mind just seems to go there when I least expect it. I partially wish I could lock the doors to the past, and put a wall behind me that has pointy nails on it, then have it mechanically move slowly forward, so I could never go back. Eventually I would learn to not look back and only go forward. Wouldn't I?
I am trying to hard so enjoy this moment. I am trying so hard to try not to fall back into the past what-evers....the past memories, the past thoughts, the past feelings, or past failures or what ever that is in the past that might bring be down. I'm slowly learning how to live in the moment. I feel that only the ability to do this has come with age. I think we know how to do this as children, but as we grow up we become jaded and fall into the past or future. Meanwhile we forget the "Now". So... right now, I am struggling to realize that right NOW I feel better. A month ago was a month ago. Today is today. And right now I am living today.
I wish that some people could understand how my brain works. Just to live it for a day, boy what a movie my brain would make. It's like a sling shot that is constantly pointing and sometimes slinging my thoughts to the past. I find myself struggling with that all the time. Sometimes daily.
I sometimes feel like a broken record, always going over the past events, always trying to figure out where and what I did wrong. Honestly, I don't think I could have done most of it any better, but the perfectionist in me looks back and tries to "fix it", as if I actually could.
For example, something that happened to me the night before last. I was getting ready for bed, laying down with my dog, and all of a sudden my brain weasels it's way into the past when I wasn't paying attention, and I could here his voice so clearly it scared me. The un-nameable person I am speaking of is the person from Pakistan that I wrote about previously. The remembrance of his voice makes me cringe and the feeling of sickness comes over me. And at that moment, my mind re-created his voice as if it was him in the phone which was against my ear. This wasn't a audio hallucination guys... seriously, come on give me a little credit. No, but in all honesty it was so vivid in my head and memory. Just the way he sounded, and the subtle ways he controlled me echoed in his voice. ehhhh.....I can't think about it anymore.
Anyways, my point being is that no matter how hard I try, my mind just seems to go there when I least expect it. I partially wish I could lock the doors to the past, and put a wall behind me that has pointy nails on it, then have it mechanically move slowly forward, so I could never go back. Eventually I would learn to not look back and only go forward. Wouldn't I?
Grandma's Magic Kitchen Aid Mixer
When we were back in Ohio, we had a conversation about how I hand mixed everything, and that I couldn't even make whip cream if I wanted because I didn't own a beater of any kind. So the family said, "We'll fix that!", and gave us Grandma's Kitchen Aid Mixer.
As I was cleaning it off yesterday, I started to think about all the many many many things she made with this mixer. From cookies, to doughnuts. She made everything! Also, everything that she made was delightful and delicious. I didn't get to taste everything, but I certainly heard about it from family members.
I started to think about he magic that was in this Kitchen Aid. The magic of being able to make beautiful and tasty things for your family. People who you love. The gathering around the table eagerly waiting to take a bite from that freshly made German chocolate cake. How could you beat that kind of magic? I don't know any magician that can top this trick.
While I shined up the sturdy white Kitchen Aid mixer, I secretly hoped that the magic would rub off on me. I'v never made a cake from scratch, and I plan to tackle that very soon. I am however gifted with cookies and non-yeast breads like banana bread. I also am a little afraid of yeast, but I have no idea why. I am sure it's easy enough to work with. So I am hoping the magic will work for me, as it has for so many years for Grandma.
Labels:
cake,
cookies,
Grandma,
Kitchen Aid Mixer,
magic
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Kitchen Scratchatory
To this day, I can't seem to say Chicken Catchatori. You know the recipe, with tomato sauce, deliciously seasoned with herbs and over a bed of rice perhaps? Anyways, I find it oddly funny that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to say it, it always comes out Kitchen and what ever happens to come out and be mangled after that.
So today, I am making Kitchen Scratchatory. We opened a bottle of Zin from a winery down the road and I have Billi Holiday playing in the background. Awesome! I can't think of a better way to wind down and let everything all go.
I feel like this part of my life is called, "Starting Over". It fits so well because I am emotionally taking down those mental boxes I've packed away and I am finally going through them. Granted it will take me a long time to finish, but I am pleased to be making progress. Also, physically in my backyard we took out all the old dirt in my planter/garden retaining wall which consisted of mainly shale and clay and finally replacing it with beautiful home made compost from a friend with a farm. It is this beautiful dark brown almost black in color. It will sit for another month in and a half and settle and finish doing what it needs to do. Then the heirloom tomatos will be planted.
I can not express enough my love for homegrown heirloom tomatos. They are heaven!
Anyways, today I feel great. I feel like my meds are working wonderfully and finally I can feel the effects. I also have been working physically to exert myself and burn off some of that wasted energy. That in itself makes me feel better. I just want to be consistent in that area. On top of it all, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself. I feel like the past year has really taught me a lot about who I am, and what I am capable off. The self control that I have is immense, despite the fact that I feel like I might blow like a volcano, I never do. Simple as that, though my body is flipping out inside at times, I seem to keep myself from going over the edge of sanity. Keep in mind I might be very upset I just seems to have a slight grip on reality that keeps me grounded and coming back to earth. I guess I feel empowered to know what I am capable of. Though I am not capable of some things, I am capable of some. I do have some talents and abilities. I hope that they can grow.
So....I feel great. Doing great today and hoping this new sense of empowerment sticks around.
So today, I am making Kitchen Scratchatory. We opened a bottle of Zin from a winery down the road and I have Billi Holiday playing in the background. Awesome! I can't think of a better way to wind down and let everything all go.
I feel like this part of my life is called, "Starting Over". It fits so well because I am emotionally taking down those mental boxes I've packed away and I am finally going through them. Granted it will take me a long time to finish, but I am pleased to be making progress. Also, physically in my backyard we took out all the old dirt in my planter/garden retaining wall which consisted of mainly shale and clay and finally replacing it with beautiful home made compost from a friend with a farm. It is this beautiful dark brown almost black in color. It will sit for another month in and a half and settle and finish doing what it needs to do. Then the heirloom tomatos will be planted.
I can not express enough my love for homegrown heirloom tomatos. They are heaven!
Anyways, today I feel great. I feel like my meds are working wonderfully and finally I can feel the effects. I also have been working physically to exert myself and burn off some of that wasted energy. That in itself makes me feel better. I just want to be consistent in that area. On top of it all, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself. I feel like the past year has really taught me a lot about who I am, and what I am capable off. The self control that I have is immense, despite the fact that I feel like I might blow like a volcano, I never do. Simple as that, though my body is flipping out inside at times, I seem to keep myself from going over the edge of sanity. Keep in mind I might be very upset I just seems to have a slight grip on reality that keeps me grounded and coming back to earth. I guess I feel empowered to know what I am capable of. Though I am not capable of some things, I am capable of some. I do have some talents and abilities. I hope that they can grow.
So....I feel great. Doing great today and hoping this new sense of empowerment sticks around.
Labels:
Chicken,
compost,
doing great,
garden,
out of control,
starting over
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Confused about boundaries!
I am realizing that I attract friendships that are somewhat toxic. I wondered so many times, "Why in the world is this happening to me.", and then it would happen again, and again. And so here I am AGAIN! I am finding that a friendship is toxic. I am not sure how it becomes this way, but it does. Is it the person I pick and that we are a poor match? Do I create toxicity with in my own brain (more likely then not), or is the for the simple reason of not having boundaries? I always thought that the best deepest friendships had no limits, and no boundaries. That lives intermingled in one smooth flow. It certainly does not. I will tell you that! I have had several very deep relationships and they were not smooth flowing.
So where do the issues form? Where are the roots? I can't dig them out and replant if I don't know whats wrong. Is it the soil? The water, not enough or too much? I am so confused it's impossible to see a pathway out right now. So for now I decided to sit tight, and let things ride out. I'd really not like to loose this friendship, but I feel like it's in the hot seat for now. It makes me sad. It terrifies me in ways I can not even explain. Loosing a friendship for me is like a Vet, having to reenter war in Viet Nam. Thats seriously how painful it is for me. The first friendship I had was like loosing part of myself. As if someone cut my Siamese twin off my own body with out any anesthetics or pain reliever. It hurt, it nearly killed me. I can still cry today if I let myself think about it. On the positive note, I know the loss had to happen. The friendship simply could not continue the way it was going and neither of us were able to change. It wasn't that we didn't want to, we just couldn't.
So here I am trying to detox my friendship, and I find that as soon as I draw this boundary or invisible line, the person flips out. I feel sometimes like they also cross the line and become hurtful, then when I call them out on it, they pretend that I am being, "to sensitive". I don't know how I could be too sensitive on this subject, because anyone would find these things hurtful. I know I am not over-reacting.
So how to set up boundaries? That is the question. Where do I put the line? Where do I put up the wall and where do I put up the land mines? Seriously?? What the heck do I do with my chalk? I've got the pavement laid out, but I have no idea where to put my boundaries. All I know is that I need to work on myself, I need to be healthy myself inside and out. And I can not be worried about someone else or even what someone else is thinking. All I need to do is focus on myself. What makes me feel good mentally and physically.
Right now I am working on my quality of life.
As for this friendship, perhaps I will talk to her about things and see what her side is looking like, cause from my point of view it's all crooked.
Think happy thoughts for me, because it's like having to open the closet door when you know that Freddie Crougar is on the other side!
So where do the issues form? Where are the roots? I can't dig them out and replant if I don't know whats wrong. Is it the soil? The water, not enough or too much? I am so confused it's impossible to see a pathway out right now. So for now I decided to sit tight, and let things ride out. I'd really not like to loose this friendship, but I feel like it's in the hot seat for now. It makes me sad. It terrifies me in ways I can not even explain. Loosing a friendship for me is like a Vet, having to reenter war in Viet Nam. Thats seriously how painful it is for me. The first friendship I had was like loosing part of myself. As if someone cut my Siamese twin off my own body with out any anesthetics or pain reliever. It hurt, it nearly killed me. I can still cry today if I let myself think about it. On the positive note, I know the loss had to happen. The friendship simply could not continue the way it was going and neither of us were able to change. It wasn't that we didn't want to, we just couldn't.
So here I am trying to detox my friendship, and I find that as soon as I draw this boundary or invisible line, the person flips out. I feel sometimes like they also cross the line and become hurtful, then when I call them out on it, they pretend that I am being, "to sensitive". I don't know how I could be too sensitive on this subject, because anyone would find these things hurtful. I know I am not over-reacting.
So how to set up boundaries? That is the question. Where do I put the line? Where do I put up the wall and where do I put up the land mines? Seriously?? What the heck do I do with my chalk? I've got the pavement laid out, but I have no idea where to put my boundaries. All I know is that I need to work on myself, I need to be healthy myself inside and out. And I can not be worried about someone else or even what someone else is thinking. All I need to do is focus on myself. What makes me feel good mentally and physically.
Right now I am working on my quality of life.
As for this friendship, perhaps I will talk to her about things and see what her side is looking like, cause from my point of view it's all crooked.
Think happy thoughts for me, because it's like having to open the closet door when you know that Freddie Crougar is on the other side!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Returning from Ohio I realized...
When I flew to Ohio for my husband's Grandma's Funeral, I half expected heart ache and pain. Not mainly for the loss we had just been forced to accept, but I expected the family to hurt one another. From my experiances, death changes people, and changes relationships. I expected some one to hurt us deeply. As the days crept by we attended the viewing and family meals. My husband threw snappy remarks my way and I caught them with a twinge of pain. Someone else in the family, hurt someone else, and then I got hurt again, but my Mother in-law, who on any given day, we act like mother and daughter. She merely made me feel stupid for not knowing how to iron a suit. For the record, I don't iron. The only things I have ever ironed came out with creases in the wrong spot, and ended up looking worse then it started off as. So, I don't iron. And I certainly don't iron a suit that is borrowed. All of these things were little, but big in the scheme of things because of what each of us were dealing with on our own plate.
It occurred to me on the flight home, after I was able to talk to the people who caused me to be hurt that, yes death does change people. In fact it changes people in a way we can't even imagine. What makes a good strong family is if and how they pull out of those little hurtful things. We were able to talk about it and after things were put to rest it seemed to lift off the weight it once held. We seemed to meet on the other side. Stronger then ever before.
P.S. The ice-cycles could be used as weapons over there!!!!! I didn't know that God made them so big!!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Spilling my life out on Paper or Plastic?
So one reason why I wanted to start this blog, was not only to face my fears and accept who I was, but to teach others about my life. There are some difficult things to talk about in my past that cut me to the core. I didn't really know when I would bring this area up of my life, but I felt maybe I might be able to right now.
So another sleepless night comes upon me. Not by choice trust me. I have a cold and took a generic brand of nighttime cold liquid, well, I'm still awake. So that tells you just about how good that works. So here I am again, awake with you. Spilling my life out on paper or, plastic?
When I was around 16 I got caught up on the online chatting. I became addicted, I guess thats what they call it these days. I spent hours and hours online talking to strangers with no faces. I grew relationships with people who I'd never met. I looked forward to talking to them every day. This developed over a period of time of 6 months or so. I remember one time in particular that I realized I had "a problem" was when I spent 13 hours straight online at a friends house who I was house sitting for, and I didn't realize they paid by the min. So, you can see how this would be a problem. Thats how long ago this was too. Paid for internet by the min. Wow. I feel old. I had to pay back part or all of that money back.
Anyways, I developed a relationship with this guy who was 6 years older then me. At the time he lived in Manchester, England. He supposedly went to a University to learn textiles. What ever that means I don't even know. Fabrics I guess? Honestly, I may talk to you and tell you about this person as if he was a real human being. Thats how my body knows this situation, as real and tangible. So here I went and embarked into this online relationship with this man who was older and in a different country. Of course it started out as a friendship, but emotions and time shared made the relationship seem like it was something it wasn't. I spent many late night hours online chatting with him. We spoke sometimes on the phone. I would buy calling cards to call him, in order to hide it when needed. We also exchanged mail. Even though it's been nearly a decade of hearing his voice, it still sounds clear in my head. It's quite disturbing actually.
It wasn't long that he isolated me from the world. I started to drift away from my friends and pulled away so much so that I really had no friends for the last 2 years of my high school career. The only friends I had were people who didn't know me enough to know how far off the deep end I had gone.I would also go to the library and check my e-mail. I could not be away from that darn machine. It seemed to fallow me with it's cord and haunt me everywhere I went. Literally. I would get anxious and go through with drawls if I didn't have access to online after a period of time. I would schedule what little life I had, around him, and chatting with him. For many purposes I will call this person, Joe. This is not his name. But Joe seems easy enough for now.
Turns out Joe was from Pakistan. He was also a devout Muslim, or so he claimed. I knew this when I entered into a "committed" relationship with him. I told him that I didn't believe in that religion. In the beginning he said that it was alright. I mean I was Christian, he was Muslim. Things got to the point where there were getting "serious"... and I say that with a grain of salt for the fact is that I never met the man. But in the same breath, I know the seriousness of where it could have put me today. So well into the relationship I asked if he would be able to marry me and take me as who I was, Christian and all. He said plainly, "No." in a heartbroken way. He sounded as if he wanted to, but couldn't. I didn't like hearing him hurt or in any shape or form of dislike. It seemed to twist me inside and I did what ever I could to take away that dislike.
So, I learned about the Quran. It makes me sick to this day that I know more about the Quran then the Bible. I've been trying, and doing my best to learn about the Bible. But, I seem to have a mental block now about taking in new religious learning such as this. Anyways, I met this other Muslim online who was from New York. He taught me Islam via live chat. We typed, I asked questions, he answered. It went on for hours, and days. Tutoring me. Teaching me, and he also played a part in brainwashing me. I often wondered if these two people knew each other, and I was just a sick game. They were sort of like a team. It's so hard to explain this. Say for example, I would ask a question about how their religion viewed say... smoking. Well, Joe would say, "smoking is bad for you Melanie. I don't want my baby to smoke. Would you want me to smoke and be unhealthy?" He always pulled that. That whiny sad voice of his. *shutters* He turned everything around and asked me if I would want him to do that. Which was besides the point really. But, then say the New York Tutor, would say, "Islam views your body as a Temple. Allah wants you to treat your body like a temple.". And so I did just that....
I always had trouble with Trinity in Christianity. Islam did not have trinity. It was God ( Allah), and Mohammad (the Prophet), but honestly I have no issues with Trinity now. I fully completely understand it more then I ever did. But after learning everything I had about Islam, I decided this was my new belief system. This is what I believed. I was a Muslim. I revoked my belief in Christianity, and accepted Islam as my new faith. Swallow that....................... cause I can't.
When people ask me about that period of my time, all I can say is that I was brainwashed. I was modern day brainwashed really honestly and truly. It was done from long distance. I have chunks of my memory just gone and disappeared. The only reason I know things happened that I can't remember is photos, items, or other people telling me things that I should really know. And I don't remember anything. There isn't even blackness.... there just isn't anything there to remember. Gone, vanished, vacant.
Things got so serious that there were times that I was fully prepared to fly out to Pakistan to stay for a summer or something. Thank God that I never made it that far. Thank God that I was poor and couldn't afford a flight ticket. Thank God that he didn't have the guts and kahonas to come out to meet me. Thats all I can say really. Thank God.
Had I had the means to go through with meeting him, I would probably be stuck in Pakistan right now, wrapped up and draped in clothing and forced to live my life how they choose. Maybe I would have learned the reality of things, maybe I wouldn't have. All I know is I could be surrounded by war and stuck in a kitchen making curry and have 5 kids hanging off my hip. It's scary when I think about it, and so I do my best not to think about it. - Maybe thats why I can't remember anything?
When I went to college, I "took" him with me. We continued our relationship while only 2 hours from my childhood home. Still he never came to meet me but was able to continue his hold on me even though I left home. His hold on me was so tight that I also became vegetarian. Not for the popular reason why back then, but because I couldn't find meat in my small town that was "halal", which really just means "blessed". And from what I gather, it means just that, a prayer said over it. However, I will also tell you that their is other secret and silent implementations that go along with, "halal". To this day, I am not even sure about it and don't care to know. I was a very strict vegetarian. I didn't even eat french fries that were fried in the same oil as meat. Nothing touched it.
I started to go to a Mosque in the big city where my college was. The women there were loving, open and welcoming. I felt like they were clamoring for me to be apart of their world and family. I had offers for, "Marriage" and relationships with "so and so's son", but I was already committed to my imaginary boyfriend online.
Part of me would like to say that this was when I saw the darkest parts of civilization. But it didn't begin here. It began a few years before, when I first got onto that computer and met Joe. There were many things that added up. Such as seeing a slaughtered goat or lamb, or what ever it was laying on the porch of this home with flies all around it. They were going to eat it, even though there were flies. The people who lived at this particular house the with the dead animal on the front porch didn't flush the toilet. There was gross remnants in there from the previous 5 visits or so. Gross, and in humane if you ask me. Needless to say, it only took one visit for me to not return to that home.
Then there was my beautiful friend. She was 15, and so kind and innocent. I really loved her with part of my heart. The kindness, I just can not quiet explain. She was humble and accepting. I may even have been friends with her today had it not been for the circumstances of our lives. She had beautiful long thick black hair. She wore a black dress outfit that covered her from head to toe. Nothing of her skin was able to be seen besides what you could see through a 1 inch slit across her eyes that measured about 6 inches wide. She even wore gloves. How on earth she manages to be in a summer heat wave of 108degrees I will never understand. Anyways, this was one of the cruelest things I had experiences from my point of view. She ran past doorways, and was even unable to occupy the same space as her father with out that formal dress attire. Even when she was at church and wore that attire, she would run past a slit in the door (like the glass kind you have in elementary school classrooms) afraid that she would be seen by the, "Mens" as she called them. The men and women were separated into two different parts of the Mosque. Men in the front with the speaker, and woman in back with the "speakers". The mans voice up front was sent through wires and speakers to the back room so we could all hear.
I took Arabic classes at that mosque, and though it would have been of great use for translating now, I have forgotten nearly all of it but bits and pieces. Joe told me he wanted me to learn Arabic so I could read the Quaran in it's true form, but honestly, I think it was just another way to get inside my head.
I also learned to pray like a Muslim. I learned the movements, and words, and etiquette. I washed my feet, hands, and face before prayer just as they did. In fact, thats where I think I picked up athletes foot, but what ever. I never had a problem with my feet before that point in my life. I even fasted for Ramadan just as they did.
I pretty much did everything for his approval. To be a "good wife" in the future.
I finally met someone who I enjoyed, trusted, and became friends with. As our friendship grew into something that was real, and I actually was spending real physical time with this person, I started to get sick of my old Joe. I started to see through some things, but not at all nearly what I should have. What I mainly saw was that he promised to come out to meet met several times, and canceled every single time. I was sick of waiting in my mind. So I ended it with Joe. The best adult decision of my entire life.
3 years of my life wasted with Joe
4 years of vegetarianism
countless tears
countless anxieties
athletes foot
Brainwashing= Priceless
Thank God for my new soon to be boyfriend.
To this day, the thought of this time in my life brings me discomfort on different levels. If I see an object that I thought I got rid of, it sends panic through my body. It disturbs me.
Lost word here--- I am absolutely not accusing a whole group of people of anything. This was my individualized experience with this particular person. Although YES, it has created fears with in my own self, and rightfully so. I have experiences a lot of trauma by this relationship and time in my life. My goal is not for you to feel those fears with me. This is my life, and mine alone. Only I need to walk the path. Thank you for staying open minded and listening.
So another sleepless night comes upon me. Not by choice trust me. I have a cold and took a generic brand of nighttime cold liquid, well, I'm still awake. So that tells you just about how good that works. So here I am again, awake with you. Spilling my life out on paper or, plastic?
When I was around 16 I got caught up on the online chatting. I became addicted, I guess thats what they call it these days. I spent hours and hours online talking to strangers with no faces. I grew relationships with people who I'd never met. I looked forward to talking to them every day. This developed over a period of time of 6 months or so. I remember one time in particular that I realized I had "a problem" was when I spent 13 hours straight online at a friends house who I was house sitting for, and I didn't realize they paid by the min. So, you can see how this would be a problem. Thats how long ago this was too. Paid for internet by the min. Wow. I feel old. I had to pay back part or all of that money back.
Anyways, I developed a relationship with this guy who was 6 years older then me. At the time he lived in Manchester, England. He supposedly went to a University to learn textiles. What ever that means I don't even know. Fabrics I guess? Honestly, I may talk to you and tell you about this person as if he was a real human being. Thats how my body knows this situation, as real and tangible. So here I went and embarked into this online relationship with this man who was older and in a different country. Of course it started out as a friendship, but emotions and time shared made the relationship seem like it was something it wasn't. I spent many late night hours online chatting with him. We spoke sometimes on the phone. I would buy calling cards to call him, in order to hide it when needed. We also exchanged mail. Even though it's been nearly a decade of hearing his voice, it still sounds clear in my head. It's quite disturbing actually.
It wasn't long that he isolated me from the world. I started to drift away from my friends and pulled away so much so that I really had no friends for the last 2 years of my high school career. The only friends I had were people who didn't know me enough to know how far off the deep end I had gone.I would also go to the library and check my e-mail. I could not be away from that darn machine. It seemed to fallow me with it's cord and haunt me everywhere I went. Literally. I would get anxious and go through with drawls if I didn't have access to online after a period of time. I would schedule what little life I had, around him, and chatting with him. For many purposes I will call this person, Joe. This is not his name. But Joe seems easy enough for now.
Turns out Joe was from Pakistan. He was also a devout Muslim, or so he claimed. I knew this when I entered into a "committed" relationship with him. I told him that I didn't believe in that religion. In the beginning he said that it was alright. I mean I was Christian, he was Muslim. Things got to the point where there were getting "serious"... and I say that with a grain of salt for the fact is that I never met the man. But in the same breath, I know the seriousness of where it could have put me today. So well into the relationship I asked if he would be able to marry me and take me as who I was, Christian and all. He said plainly, "No." in a heartbroken way. He sounded as if he wanted to, but couldn't. I didn't like hearing him hurt or in any shape or form of dislike. It seemed to twist me inside and I did what ever I could to take away that dislike.
So, I learned about the Quran. It makes me sick to this day that I know more about the Quran then the Bible. I've been trying, and doing my best to learn about the Bible. But, I seem to have a mental block now about taking in new religious learning such as this. Anyways, I met this other Muslim online who was from New York. He taught me Islam via live chat. We typed, I asked questions, he answered. It went on for hours, and days. Tutoring me. Teaching me, and he also played a part in brainwashing me. I often wondered if these two people knew each other, and I was just a sick game. They were sort of like a team. It's so hard to explain this. Say for example, I would ask a question about how their religion viewed say... smoking. Well, Joe would say, "smoking is bad for you Melanie. I don't want my baby to smoke. Would you want me to smoke and be unhealthy?" He always pulled that. That whiny sad voice of his. *shutters* He turned everything around and asked me if I would want him to do that. Which was besides the point really. But, then say the New York Tutor, would say, "Islam views your body as a Temple. Allah wants you to treat your body like a temple.". And so I did just that....
I always had trouble with Trinity in Christianity. Islam did not have trinity. It was God ( Allah), and Mohammad (the Prophet), but honestly I have no issues with Trinity now. I fully completely understand it more then I ever did. But after learning everything I had about Islam, I decided this was my new belief system. This is what I believed. I was a Muslim. I revoked my belief in Christianity, and accepted Islam as my new faith. Swallow that....................... cause I can't.
When people ask me about that period of my time, all I can say is that I was brainwashed. I was modern day brainwashed really honestly and truly. It was done from long distance. I have chunks of my memory just gone and disappeared. The only reason I know things happened that I can't remember is photos, items, or other people telling me things that I should really know. And I don't remember anything. There isn't even blackness.... there just isn't anything there to remember. Gone, vanished, vacant.
Things got so serious that there were times that I was fully prepared to fly out to Pakistan to stay for a summer or something. Thank God that I never made it that far. Thank God that I was poor and couldn't afford a flight ticket. Thank God that he didn't have the guts and kahonas to come out to meet me. Thats all I can say really. Thank God.
Had I had the means to go through with meeting him, I would probably be stuck in Pakistan right now, wrapped up and draped in clothing and forced to live my life how they choose. Maybe I would have learned the reality of things, maybe I wouldn't have. All I know is I could be surrounded by war and stuck in a kitchen making curry and have 5 kids hanging off my hip. It's scary when I think about it, and so I do my best not to think about it. - Maybe thats why I can't remember anything?
When I went to college, I "took" him with me. We continued our relationship while only 2 hours from my childhood home. Still he never came to meet me but was able to continue his hold on me even though I left home. His hold on me was so tight that I also became vegetarian. Not for the popular reason why back then, but because I couldn't find meat in my small town that was "halal", which really just means "blessed". And from what I gather, it means just that, a prayer said over it. However, I will also tell you that their is other secret and silent implementations that go along with, "halal". To this day, I am not even sure about it and don't care to know. I was a very strict vegetarian. I didn't even eat french fries that were fried in the same oil as meat. Nothing touched it.
I started to go to a Mosque in the big city where my college was. The women there were loving, open and welcoming. I felt like they were clamoring for me to be apart of their world and family. I had offers for, "Marriage" and relationships with "so and so's son", but I was already committed to my imaginary boyfriend online.
Part of me would like to say that this was when I saw the darkest parts of civilization. But it didn't begin here. It began a few years before, when I first got onto that computer and met Joe. There were many things that added up. Such as seeing a slaughtered goat or lamb, or what ever it was laying on the porch of this home with flies all around it. They were going to eat it, even though there were flies. The people who lived at this particular house the with the dead animal on the front porch didn't flush the toilet. There was gross remnants in there from the previous 5 visits or so. Gross, and in humane if you ask me. Needless to say, it only took one visit for me to not return to that home.
Then there was my beautiful friend. She was 15, and so kind and innocent. I really loved her with part of my heart. The kindness, I just can not quiet explain. She was humble and accepting. I may even have been friends with her today had it not been for the circumstances of our lives. She had beautiful long thick black hair. She wore a black dress outfit that covered her from head to toe. Nothing of her skin was able to be seen besides what you could see through a 1 inch slit across her eyes that measured about 6 inches wide. She even wore gloves. How on earth she manages to be in a summer heat wave of 108degrees I will never understand. Anyways, this was one of the cruelest things I had experiences from my point of view. She ran past doorways, and was even unable to occupy the same space as her father with out that formal dress attire. Even when she was at church and wore that attire, she would run past a slit in the door (like the glass kind you have in elementary school classrooms) afraid that she would be seen by the, "Mens" as she called them. The men and women were separated into two different parts of the Mosque. Men in the front with the speaker, and woman in back with the "speakers". The mans voice up front was sent through wires and speakers to the back room so we could all hear.
I took Arabic classes at that mosque, and though it would have been of great use for translating now, I have forgotten nearly all of it but bits and pieces. Joe told me he wanted me to learn Arabic so I could read the Quaran in it's true form, but honestly, I think it was just another way to get inside my head.
I also learned to pray like a Muslim. I learned the movements, and words, and etiquette. I washed my feet, hands, and face before prayer just as they did. In fact, thats where I think I picked up athletes foot, but what ever. I never had a problem with my feet before that point in my life. I even fasted for Ramadan just as they did.
I pretty much did everything for his approval. To be a "good wife" in the future.
I finally met someone who I enjoyed, trusted, and became friends with. As our friendship grew into something that was real, and I actually was spending real physical time with this person, I started to get sick of my old Joe. I started to see through some things, but not at all nearly what I should have. What I mainly saw was that he promised to come out to meet met several times, and canceled every single time. I was sick of waiting in my mind. So I ended it with Joe. The best adult decision of my entire life.
3 years of my life wasted with Joe
4 years of vegetarianism
countless tears
countless anxieties
athletes foot
Brainwashing= Priceless
Thank God for my new soon to be boyfriend.
To this day, the thought of this time in my life brings me discomfort on different levels. If I see an object that I thought I got rid of, it sends panic through my body. It disturbs me.
Lost word here--- I am absolutely not accusing a whole group of people of anything. This was my individualized experience with this particular person. Although YES, it has created fears with in my own self, and rightfully so. I have experiences a lot of trauma by this relationship and time in my life. My goal is not for you to feel those fears with me. This is my life, and mine alone. Only I need to walk the path. Thank you for staying open minded and listening.
Friday, February 12, 2010
P.S. Changed some layouts
Just and FYI, I fixed the viability of the poll. I couldn't change just that individual text, but found that I could change the background color. Yay, for working the system!
I also messed with the font size and styles a bit through out the blog. I found this made it easier on the eyes while reading. Hope you enjoy it! :)
I also messed with the font size and styles a bit through out the blog. I found this made it easier on the eyes while reading. Hope you enjoy it! :)
Mental Illness VS Homlessness
PERSONS WITH MENTAL ILLNESS
Persons with severe mental illness represented about 26 percent of all sheltered homeless persons (Annual Homeless Assessment Report to Congress, 2008). According to the Federal Task Force on Homelessness and Severe Mental Illness, only 5-7% of homeless persons with mental illness require institutionalization; most can live in the community with the appropriate supportive housing options (Federal Task Force on Homelessness and Severe Mental Illness, 1992). For more information, see our fact sheet on Mental Illness and Homelessness. The 23 cities that provided information reported that 26 percent of their homeless population suffered from a serious mental illness. By contrast, only six percent of the U.S. population suffers from a serious mental illness (U.S. Conference of Mayors 2008).Data collected from National Homeless Coalition
Mental Illness and Homelessness
Published by the National Coalition for the Homeless, July 2009
PREVALENCE
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 20 to 25% of the homeless population in the United States suffers from some form of severe mental illness. In comparison, only 6% of Americans are severely mentally ill (National Institute of Mental Health, 2009). In a 2008 survey performed by the U.S. Conference of Mayors, 25 cities were asked for the three largest causes of homelessness in their communities. Mental illness was the third largest cause of homelessness for single adults (mentioned by 48% of cities). For homeless families, mental illness was mentioned by 12% of cities as one of the top 3 causes of homelessness.
RELATIONSHIP TO HOMELESSNESS
Serious mental illnesses disrupt people’s ability to carry out essential aspects of daily life, such as self care and household management. Mental illnesses may also prevent people from forming and maintaining stable relationships or cause people to misinterpret others’ guidance and react irrationally. This often results in pushing away caregivers, family, and friends who may be the force keeping that person from becoming homeless. As a result of these factors and the stresses of living with a mental disorder, people with mentally illnesses are much more likely to become homeless than the general population (Library Index, 2009). A study of people with serious mental illnesses seen by California’s public mental health system found that 15% were homeless at least once in a one-year period (Folsom et al., 2005). Patients with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder are particularly vulnerable.
Poor mental health may also affect physical health, especially for people who are homeless. Mental illness may cause people to neglect taking the necessary precautions against disease. When combined with inadequate hygiene due to homelessness, this may lead to physical problems such as respiratory infections, skin diseases, or exposure to tuberculosis or HIV. In addition, half of the mentally ill homeless population in the United States also suffers from substance abuse and dependence (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration). Minorities, especially African Americans, are over-represented in this group. Some mentally ill people self-medicate using street drugs, which can lead not only to addictions, but also to disease transmission from injection drug use. This combination of mental illness, substance abuse, and poor physical health makes it very difficult for people to obtain employment and residential stability.
Data Collected from National Homeless Coalition
My friend and I discussed today how expensive medications are for people who have Mental Illnesses and need them desperately. For example, the medication that makes me feel my best is also $1,000 for a one month supply (30 pills). Are you kidding me? Seriously???? When most likely our income is less then the working average because we can't keep a job, or maintain a full time job? So, you're saying that I need to use my entire paycheck if I'm lucky I even get that much, just to be healthy in my head?..... where do I live? .... what do I eat then?.....
These are questions I've been forced to ask myself. I've actually CONSIDERED spending that $1,000 on that one monthly supply. Thats how desperate I was to feel well. I've been on countless other medications, and I even lived on samples for a long period of time with this medication, but recently the supply of samples have diminished. I couldn't count on them anymore.
So I opted for the lesser cost of the medications. I also ended up with severe muscle pain and constant muscle contraction in my face. I thought I was going to go blind at one point. I had to go to several doctors visits just to figure out why I was gagging, and why my vision was blurry and my eyes hurt so badly. Only to find out that it was a side effect of my medications. I was ready to go to a neurologist. I was ready to drop hundreds of dollars for them to take a bunch of expensive scans and tests, and then tell me it was side effects. Great, thank you United States Health Care System.
If you are wondering why my frustration with this topic is escalating, then I will tell you. My mother took me to doctors when I was younger because of my illness. I told her I needed help. So she did just that helped me. We were a very low income family. And the access we had to good doctors was nil to none in this small town I grew up. So, she took me to my GP and then she sent me to a big city Psychiatrist. His name was great!.... I will leave it out, but it was something like.. Dr. Nice. Thats not what it was, but it might as well been! He was expensive. Like every other good psychiatrist I've ever known. The average cost for just one half hour. Yes people 30 mins. is about $175. Give or take $50. So if you average the cost just to see the doctor to manage the medications, then the medications. Well, you guessed it, we should have been homeless. We should have been. My Mother, My hero went bankrupt trying to take care of my medical needs. She did everything she could. Also, please take into consideration, when a child tells you,"I feel like I want to die", and "I'm hearing voices", and "I'm having really bad anxiety that lasts 5-6 hours or more at a time."...... as a parent would you really seriously take the time to do what you could to make sure you didn't go under financially? Or would you drop everything, and take care of your child the best way you know how? Get her in to see a doctor that specialized in this sort discipline? I am so thankful for her. She did everything right by me. I thank God for her every day. I'll also tell you one secret, she was the one thing that kept me alive in more then one circumstance. All I did was have to think of her, and think how much it would hurt her if I left her so soon. That kept me going. I could never ever hurt her like that. She never gave up on me, and I'll never give up on her.
So back to the homeless topic. When you are faced with medication or food and shelter, I could see why people choose shelter and food. But later they end up loosing their shelter because they can't seem to keep the job. Why? Because now they can't afford their medication and must try to manage their mood swings and mental illness by themselves. I feel for those who are homeless. I know that I could have been one myself. There were countless times that I considered running away. "Just disappear", I would tell myself. "Just go away for a little while", but I know that my problems would only follow myself. So why bother? I'd lose everything, even my sanity.
So now, lets recap. The 3rd larges group of homeless adults is mentally ill. Medication is outrageously priced. Also, doctors who specialize in this field are also very very expensive.
Where does that leave us? Where do we stand after all this? Our pockets will be turned inside out and our mind will be even further lost into the deep blue of this place we call Earth, and United States.
I'd not like for this topic to be dragged to much into politics, but I touched it. I couldn't help it. Another topic I'll go into is my views as a someone who is challenged by mental health, and how I see the health care system in USA. I'll talk about my experiences "fighting" with it.
Good Night &
Good luck Chuck!
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